Standing up for what is right
So, I am new to this site but I need an outlet/ someone to talk to about what is going on. To give you a bit of background I am 32 and have been married to my husband who is 38 for almost two years. We met almost four years ago and about two months after his divorce was final. I was actually going through a divorce myself and met him about two weeks or so before it was finalized. I have no contact with my ex-husband by choice. We have no kids together and there is no reason for he and I to speak. My husband has one son with his ex-wife and she contacts my husband or myself almost daily for one reason or another. we recently had a child of our own and it has really put a new spin on everything or me. We have his son 15-17 days a month and his mom has him the rest of the time. So time is split equally, we provide food, clothes, etc. for him. Pay half of birthday parties, get him to and from school and baseball games, etc. literally my husband works all the time so it is really me taking him to these events and getting him to everything he needs to be at. My husband pays full child support and recently with us having a child i have asked him why do we pay full child support if we have him just as much? I don't understand?? I am an advocate for child support when you are only getting the child every other weekend or something like that but why when you have him more actually than she does?? He basically said he didn't think it was right and neither did she but it's what the court ordered. I said let's go back to court then?? Long story short I ended up saying something to her and she is beyond mad. she is so upset in my opinion about losing her child support that she can't even see straight. She has cut ties with me and will only speak to my husband (which is soooooo fine by me) however, what she fails to realize is I take him everywhere so unfortunately at some point she will have to speak to me. A) i am afraid for my relationship with his son if she continues to do this and 
i'm afraid for my marriage. What’s right is right and what's wrong is wrong. she bad mouthed us and said we don't help with anything when we do everything. Its always more she wants wants wants but won't ever split responsibility. We do so much and get disrespected. My husband won't stand up to her and it is tearing us apart. Help please....i'm afraid of where our relationship will be in a year from now.
How do I just ignore her? I want to but I feel like he won’t stand up for himself so I have to. He vents to me but it’s like he is scared of her. I’m not and don’t care if she hates me I Just want what is best for my child my stepson and my marriage but I am far too outspoken to just lay down and let her continue to take advantage of us. What do I do?? He and his family talk about her but they are so nice to her face. I’m not like that you will know where you stand with me. Why do end up feeling like the one at fault?
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You never communicate with
You never communicate with her again. All communication goes through the bio's. Stay out of it completely and that helps tremendously. I would love to say some things to BM, but not worth the hassle. This happens every time with BM's. Once you get serious, they start to really resent the new wife. Not feeding it helps, but honestly not much more than that can you do about a toxic BM.
He has to do all communication and grow a pair when it comes to her. Stick with the CO and go back to court on the CS. Every time she tries to ask for something, stick to the CO. This cuts her off at the knees.
I can only speak for the
I can only speak for the state that I live in which is Florida but the courts here want the child's two homes to be equal financially. So if dad made $100,000 a year and mom made $50,000 a year - if they both parent 50/50, dad is still going to pay the mom. if mom and dad both make $50,000 and 50/50 custody is shared then no one pays anyone child support. If say dad had full custody and mom made less, mom would still be paying dad child support because dad had full custody.
And Florida doesn't count the income of the new step parents and Florida does not take into account any new children born to either parent. Florida DOES care about who pays health insurance when they do their child support calculations.
I am almost positive she
I am almost positive she makes equal to what we make together. I know she makes more than my husband's income alone and we pay full child support and everything else i mentioned above.
I also live in FL and my
I also live in FL and my exhusband and I have 50/50 custody. He makes about three times as much as me. He still pays child suport but it is at a much lower rate. He pays about 1/3 of what he would pay if we didn't split custody 50/50. The chances of cs being completely ended is pretty low even if your incomes are equal. But maybe your state is like FL and you can get a reduction for having him so much of the time. It depends on your state's law.
Also, I agree with the other posters. Communicating with BM about CS or anything Skid related is a bad idea. It just causes more problems. Most BMs aren't receptive to a SMs opinions. Maybe try getting your DH to do some research about child support in your state.
Yeah, you pissed her off
Yeah, you pissed her off good! Which, like you said, who cares but she will make you and your DH pay for that, one way or another.
If your DH works all of the time and a lot of the parenting is left to you, why do they have 50/50? Is it officially 50/50 or is that just how it has turned out?
It's 50/50 becuase in her
It's 50/50 becuase in her words "its out of the kindness of her heart". She said three years ago she was moving to another town where her family lives but she never left and in my own opinion it would be an inconvience to her to have him all of the time. She has her own life and schedule. Hasn't said a word about moving again until I brought up child support now she says she is moving. She ask's us even on her weekends to keep stepchild so she can go to concerts, trips with BF, etc.
You need to stop looking at
You need to stop looking at the situation as what's 'fair' or as standing up for what's 'right'. These can many tomes be nothing more and nothing less than personal thought and opinion. First what you Ned to do is get out both the custody/divorce degree and the CS orders along with your state's CS laws and guidelines. Learn them and highlight in them the areas occurring which is not actually addressed in any of it.
For example, I'll bet the spilt of medical is in the agreement. I'll also bet paying 1/2 of birthday parties is not. You also state DH has the kids on days/weekends BM wants a babysitter. You answered 50/50 with the comment "It's 50/50 becuase in her words "its out of the kindness of her heart". So I'm not clear whether the actual CO time division is 50/50 or if that's not what the CO awarded. CS would have been calculated based on the CO not necessarily what Mom and Dad are doing.
Another thing is, you mention BM is 'threatening' to move. What does the CO say, if anything in addressing any moves? Does the CO leave the topic wide open without guidelines and any necessary procedure process the BM would have to follow in attempting to move taking the kids.
Finally, after you arm yourself with actual facts effective in BM/Dad's legal and legally agreed to conditions, then next step is knocking it into your DH's head that he isn't to disregard the facts granted to each parent just because BM now doesn't want to follow what was originally agreed to in the orders. The orders stand ad are to be followed until one of them go back to court and make adjustments.
It's definitely difficult
It's definitely difficult when your DH won't stand up for himself when it comes to BM. Our court order says we get SD6 Wednesday and EOW but we have her 15-19 nights a month and BM's sole reason for not wanting to alter the placement arrangement outside of her desire to control everything is because she wants that child support and her state benefits. (I'm not stating my opinion, she's actually told him that!)
Sometimes I will intervene between the bios when it comes to appointments but I always try to do so via email so we have something to reference back to when she cries she didn't know. Like you my DH works a ton and I do most things like DR'S apts, therapist apts and dealing with her teacher but I do much of it behind the scenes from his email, as him.
It's a shitty situation and at times it does cause problems between DH and I, especially when she's in a manic phase. Chances are she'll get over it-eventually but I'd suggest reaching out to your DH aND asking him to step in and talk to her about her behavior. Worse case scenario I'd he's the avoid all confrontation at all costs type draft and email and ask him to ok it and alter as he sees fit so as to keep it authentic and within his comfort zone.
In some states you can file a
In some states you can file a modification every three years. You need to get your dh on board with this or you guys will be the bank and transportation forever. Stop talking to Bm and if your dh can't stand up to her, the stop being the babysitter and make him deal with it.
Welcome to the site!
These issues do affect our
These issues do affect our marriages. You have to try hard to protect the good feelings you have for him or you will have another divorce on your hands.
So if problem solving together isn't working, you take yourself out of his problems. He wants you to tip toe around bm like he does which is very wrong of him but most of us here deal with that same mindset to one degree or another. Since he won't set the boundaries that are normal and healthy, in order for you to still like him you have to try not to witness the nauseating behavior.
Tell him you really want to work together as a team and you care about the little boy but to preserve your sanity you cannot witness or be party to the kowtowing. Therefore, sadly, you are resigning from stepson duty. It's the only way you can think of to not have to witness very upsetting things anymore.
He won't like this because he needs the child care. So when he objects, ask him sincerely "What else can I do? Can you help me?" He may be able to soften up a bit and start realizing what's at stake if you put it like that.
Good luck.
The judge did say she gets
The judge did say she gets primary physical by she said she was moving out of town. The have joint legal. My question is she never moved isn't it worth going back to court over a changed circumstance? Why do we pay full if we have him more than her? I think the judge would agree and I'm am almost sure our state is cd paid based on who has the child more/ more financial responsibility. The bm uses us. She has us do EVERYTHING behind scenes but wants to there when it can make her look like a good mom. I just don't understand why cost doesn't get split down the middle. Income is equal or even more on her side. Just want ss to be taken care of and also to be able to take care on my bio also. Plus I'm starting to lose respect for my husband for not standing up to her.
Your DH is going to have to
Your DH is going to have to take the reins on this and really WANT to. If he is reluctant to set boundaries with her, you're in for a bumpy ride!
If the actual court order is
If the actual court order is not 50/50 and your DH works all of the time, I just don't see the point of your DH having the extra time if he is not spending it with his child. This would not fly with me.
Totally agree. The OP seems
Totally agree. The OP seems to have a husband who never says no. Major issue with that is he's leaving all work and responsibility then to the OP. The second issue is that OP kind of encouraged how things have become. This now makes it harder for the actual child to want to change how things have been. OP stated a couple times in here she never really minded or said anything until after her own little one was born. The OP went with not setting boundaries and always stepping up to accommodate. Now neither DH nor BM take OP seriously or care that what they want/do doesn't work for the OP.
He owns his own business and
He owns his own business and schedule is always different. He has him so much be he is home at night by bed time and sees him. Also, it is the schedule my ss's mother wanted too. You aren't getting the point of her being pretty selfish. She doesn't really want anymore time with her child she only wants him when it works for her schedule but the minute we talk child support she said she will just start following co meaning we wouldn't get my ss. ALSO, I LOVE MY SS and welcome the time I get with him just don't understand the arrangement of split time and full cs.
I lived in a similar
I lived in a similar situation for a while. DH would always say "yes" when BM offered extra time. Unfortunately, that extra time was spent with me, not him. My final straw was when he made arrangements for his two weeks of summer with the kids without telling me, but expected me to take care of them the whole time because I wasn't working. Nope...not my kids, not my problem. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to spend two weeks with his three misbehaving children, along with my then DS2 while he was at work all day. I understand what you are saying about BM, trust me. However, your DH is being selfish, as well. Saying yes to all of this extra time while leaving you to do all of the parenting, plus continuing to pay out the nose in child support so as not to rock the boat with BM is selfish. He is not considering you or the new baby in all of this. That is selfish, also. Just a thought...
I seriously am in the exact
I seriously am in the exact same boat. We need to stay in touch. I have decided if anyone is able to talk to me about her and then act like her friend at ball games ect. Isn't anyone I want to be around. It's ridiculous and I'm sick of being the only one to say it TO her instead of about her.