Stability for SKIDS

I have not posted in a while, but I do read blogs/forums pretty often and something that has been brought up by a few people on here and simply disregarded by others within the last week has really hit home with me. One thing that can often be forgotten about by either/both biological parents is about how important stability is for children, even more specifically young children. Separation, divorce, custody battle, emergency custody hearing, moving, new partner/partners, new schools, etc. the list goes on for the number of changes the children have no choice or say in, but have to go through. I have seen both sides this week, a poster who does not want to disrupt a young child's life further and seek a change in visitation when more than half that child's life has been constant routine changes and another poster who does not realize that perhaps a big reason for the children's bad behavior is because of all the changes with their parents plus the pandemic. There is a reason why there is a 1 - 2 year waiting period usually to file for a child custody modification, unless it calls for an emergency hearing. It is to protect the child/children from having constant routine changes as much as the law can because stability and routine is EXTREMELY important for children and even more so for really young children.

On one hand too you can argue that even though when a parent is in a new relationship relatively soon after the split of the parents, this can too bring stability for the child/children. It is good for the child/children to see a healthy and stable relationship especially if in the other home there is not the same circumstances. In my case for example, my SO and I have been together over 2 years now, have not split up once or broken up, etc. but BM has had several relationships with different men coming and going during the same time period that we have heard about from the SKIDS. My mom has told me that it is good that the children do get to see what a stable and healthy relationship looks like especially when they are not getting this at BM's home.

I am just advocating that sometimes everyone involved needs to be a little selfless and consider what these children do go through that is completely out of their control and they may not even know how to express why they are mad/confused/upset or even why they are feeling those things.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

I agree, but it's not a

I agree, but it's not a popular opinion on here. Divorce is hard on kids, and then many have to deal with mom and dad hating each other and pulling on the kid to love them best. Their world is turned upside down, they now have two homes to go between, and then their parents get new partners they are supposed to accept and love unconditionally, whether they even like them or not. Those new partners bring along their own kids that they are supposed to get along with and in some cases, live with, very soon after their parents' divorce. And to add the icing on the cake, these new partners come in making new rules and demanding behavior from the kids that their bio parents never ask them to do - yet the kids get blamed for how they react to all of this.

Exactly

I am more inclined to be upset with the kids' behavior after quite a bit of time has passed or if kids were older, etc. Basically when the children can take responsibility for their own actions, can comprehend the changes going on, and have the ability to express/know why they are feeling the way that they are feeling, especially in a healthier way.

I think it is important to not let the children disrespect their parent's new partner, but to try and force the partner on them or for them to like/love their partner, just sets it all up for resentment.

In some ways I do believe it is easier on younger kids if their parents got divorced then, maybe say under 6 years old? Just think it is a little easier for them to adapt and new routines be developed without it being a total shell shock, but at the same time, some parents take advantage of the flexibility of the child and bring on too many changes at once and ultimately neglect the cause behind the behavior problems that arise when pushed too much.

I agree that kids should not

I agree that kids should not disrespect their parent's partner. But many people on here move way too fast, with no thought for how it affects the kids. And the men, especially, expect the new partner to take over parenting, and then are surprised when the kids are unhappy about that.

Adults act out when they are unhappy, we can't expect even older kids to just say, "Well, I dislike your new partner, father, but i will respect her and accept that I allow her to be my new mother".

This reminds me of the saying

This reminds me of the saying "You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex" sadly a lot of divorced parents are still in fight mode and focusing on winning the kids like they're some marital asset. The result is a long period of court battles, visitation interference, and parental conflict. All of this is very UNSTABLE for the kids.

If the divorced parents can't stop fighting and work together the best thing for the kids is a stable and predictable custody schedule and parallel parenting with the bioparents staying out of each other's business.

I am just advocating that

I completely agree. Some people get divorced, figure kids are "resilient", and they just go on about their lives, doing what makes them happy. Not even a conversation with their kids about what is going on, what are they feeling, etc.

Sure, adults deserve their happiness but I also believe that when you have kids, you have to be less selfish. Which, I guess, is why I didn't have kids!

Divorce is hard on kids, resilient or not. And I believe a lot of the behavior issues are due to parents not dealing with just how hard it is on their kids. How hard it is for kids to see their parents with someone else, or how hard it is to not see one of their parents everyday.

When one has kids, one cannot just do whatever one wants.

I'm not saying everybody's lives should totally revolve around their kids, but people should be a little more concerned about how divorce (and any major change) affects their children. They are people, they have feelings, and they are not equipped to handle things in the same way adults are, especially without some help. And lets face it, plenty of adults can't handle divorce or life changes, either. But we sure expect the kids to "just deal". They'll be fine, right?

Stability? BM moved every 2 years, at least, due to being evicted. If she didn't have a man, she had to move in with her mom and stepdad. Although she did get married to the 3rd or 4th guy after DH, and was married to him for 10 years, she has been married 4 times since DH (6 times, total), with plenty in between.

I am the only woman DH has been with since BM and we've been together for 24 years.

I will also share one of the

I will also share one of the saddest things my SD said to me. She was being a holy terror one weekend (she was 15 and was not usually like that), and I forget exactly what the conversation was but she said, "Well, you know my dad better than I do". Even though she said it in a snarky tone, I couldn't be mad at her. She was right. He was her dad but I spent more time with him than she got to. I know that wasn't easy for her.

She adored him when she was young and when BM kicked him out, SD (almost 5, at the time) was devastated. Then, she had to hear over the years what a dead beat (not true) her dad was. How he cheated on BM (not true, BM was the cheater). How he didn't love her (SD), didn't want to see her, blah, blah, blah. After years of that, SD became a different person and treated DH differently.

Selfless and stable, BM is not.

You are here