Disengagement works
IN my case it is semi disengagement. I have an SS6 who used to be so manipulative, lying etc. I tried to correct him but my DH usually just assumed I was picking on his kid. Before we got married, SS used to live with his grandma who spoiled him rotten. He was used to being waited on hand and foot.
I got tired of my DH contradicting me in front of the child and correcting my correction of the child and I finally stopped correcting ss and let DH handle him (or not).
Once I removed myself from the equation, DH finally stepped up and started disciplining SS. At first he would make excuses for SS behaviour, but when SS stole a phone from his teacher's bag! DH was embarrassed.
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We have similar situations.
We have similar situations. DH's kid is almost six. He is awful. He is manipulative, conniving, extremely defiant (ODD), just totally out of control. My DH and skid lived with DH's mother before I came along, and grandma spoiled skid rotten here as well. DH contradicted me all the time, there was no united front, there was no front, I was a bitch and DH and skid were on their own little childish team against me. DH let skid run all over him, all over me, act atrociously at all times, and nothing I would try to do made any difference except causing friction between my DH and I. I have been disengaged since last Fall. Nothing has changed except now I am no longer involved and skid is worse. DH still lets him treat him terribly and still gives in to his every demand and now, skid is a full on monster.
I feel so bad for you to be
I feel so bad for you to be in that situation! How can you even stand to LOOK at your DH? Ugh!
I know what you mean about the GM. SS' grandma did EVERYTHING for my SS. And by everything I really mean everything. She spoon fed him, dressed him, washed him, even carried him on her back sometimes so he wouldn't have to walk?!?? He could barely hold a cup in his hand! I remember giving him three glasses of milk because he kept spilling the milk. When he spilled the third glass I said that's it. No more milk.
SS isn't such a bad kid really, he was just undisciplined. I think the problem was that as long as I was the one pointing out the bahavior, DH tended to focus on me instead of SS. I stopped pointing anything out and finally DH got to see that his child was desperately in need of some structure.
His behavior has improved drastically and I think I might end up actually liking him one of these days.
I have lost most all of my
I have lost most all of my respect for DH. I cannot stand to be around him when skid is present. I cannot stand to be around him for days after skid has been here because he is so hateful. His nerves are totally shot from dealing with skid and his behaviors, but he refuses to make the changes necessary. Skid has ODD, ADHD, I think he also has Early Onset Conduct Disorder as well, so even if DH totally changed his ways, skid would still be very difficult to tolerate, but at least DH would be respectable. Children like skid thrive on drama, negativity, argumentation, attempts at control, and defying adults. DH knows this. He knows skid needs strict rules, structure, boundaries, limitations, and most of all consistency in consequences. He has been told this by a psychiatrist. Still, he does nothing but the exact opposite and skid revels in the power and gets an immense thrill and rush out of constantly dominating an adult who is supposed to be his authority figure. MIL is the same story.
Like you, I knew, after trying WAY too long, that I may as well go out and talk to a fence post as talk to my DH about skid. DH focused his attentions on me, took his aggressions out on me, painted me out to the problem in his head, and never focused where he should have. Skid is so much worse now, I am hanging on to the hope that maybe, it will finally get to be so bad, that he has to take control. If not, we won't make it long term.
Step kids are hell only
Step kids are hell only because their dad's allow them to be hell IMO. Hang in there and be good to yourself!