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I am avoiding my step daughter

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Fri, 04/15/2011 - 5:37pm

Before I remarried, I was a patient and kind woman. I don't like who I am now and no matter how hard I try... I can't shake this anger. Everything my step daughter does makes me so mad! She is 13, going on 4 along with all the temper tantrums and hitting. This is the first time I have reached out for support online. I am hiding in my room till her dad gets home because I don't want to fight with her. He supports this because he knows I don't have the patience right now.

I am tired of being bullied by her. Called a b!tch, and hit whenever I say no to her. DH says she was this way long before I showed up so I shouldn't take it personally. I just don't have a tough skin. DH is so tired. He often just wants peace so he gives in to her to shut her up. I understand he's tired. She has worn him out! He has one hour of peace a day... after she is in bed. I don't want to add to his troubles. I want to help and make his life easier, but it's not turning out that way.

Thanks, just needed to vent... feeling like a prisoner.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Fri, 04/15/2011 - 7:32pm

Shouldn't take it personally???? OMG I wish a child would put their hands on me!
If she's doing this when she is 13, what do you think she will be like at 17?????

I avoid mine too, but she's not like that. SD15 is just snotty and has that eye rolling huffing problem. I don't do shit for her anymore.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 04/15/2011 - 7:35pm

You should not be abused and this is abuse. Tell DH you will not allow her to do this and call 911 if she hits you again.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Fri, 04/15/2011 - 11:10pm

First off, set her straight the next time she calls you a name and I agree w/the others, if she raises her hand to you . .call the cops. That will teach her. DH is too passive to do the work, and you don't want to put more stress by complaining because he's already tired and stressed from work. He shouldn't get that luxury. Had he done his job in the past, you wouldn't be dealing with this foolishness.

SD is acting like a lunatic because she knows she can get away with it. In no uncertain terms, tell DH to set her straight or else. I agree she is the way she is because of him.

I too had to stay on DH about SD. She had no structure growing up, is lazy, selfish and has a funky personality to boot. Everytime she did something out of line, I got on DH about addressing it. He didn't want to talk to her about the issues and kept putting it off . .never getting around to doing it.
After doing this more times than I care to remember, I told him quite simply that if he didn't address her issues, I was leaving. I forced him to grow a pair. Every other day he still has to get on her about something.

Put your foot down on her behavior as it arises and put your DH on task to talk to her . . so you don't end up like me. .with a SD who still lives at home causing conflict . . . at 27. :sick:

monkeyboy2030's picture

Submitted by monkeyboy2030 on Sat, 04/16/2011 - 5:56am

Call the Police the next time she lays a hand on you. Hopefully they will arrest her and she'll wind up in juvenile detention, a group home, foster care, etc.... If my stepsons every lay or layed (laid?) a hand on me - they wouldn't pull back a stump, but a cuffed wrist and a chauffered ride downtown. Physical violence is NEVER okay - NEVER, and there is NEVER any excuse for it. Period.

Geema's picture

Submitted by Geema on Sat, 04/16/2011 - 7:05am

I think you are feeling the anger because your DH is allowing this even though he knows it is wrong. Your SS13 knows it is wrong but it gets her what she wants and she knows her Dad is too lazy and weak to do any real parenting. You're a caring person and you don't deserve this. You feel trapped because if you try to ask DH to do anything you are afraid he will lash out or resent you - kinda like a spoiled child. You can either keep living like this for the rest of your life because it will likely only get worse, or you have to stand up for yourself. Take one thing at a time. For instance the hitting. You tell DH that will stop and if he does nothing, then protect yourself. Call the police. If DH allows you to keep being upset and hurt then you need to get away from him. That's not what love is. I'm sorry it hurts. A lot of SMs are dealing with this so you are not alone. We all weigh our love for DH vs. The he'll we endure for it and only you know just how much you can take.

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 12:52am

Thank you so much you wonderful people! There is nothing better than a bunch of people not afraid of telling the truth! Is anyone like me? Do you get wrapped up in it so deep that you can't tell what is right and what is wrong? When I lose my temper and raise my voice, or whatever... I feel so horrible! The other day she was on the floor screaming and pounding her fists because she wasn't getting her way. So I sat my ass on the ground and did my best imitation of her. It made her so mad that DH has to restrain her to keep her from attacking me.

The police have been called once already. Her violence is on record with them and our family therapist. The only thing I should be doing but am not as of yet is a daily journal of behavior. No matter what happens, DH and I have kept ourselves from hitting her back because it is against the law to leave a mark on a child. Luckily for us, when I called the police, I made it clear that SD was not being harmed in any way. I have photos of the marks she has left on us. So when the police came, we got some really good support instead of being questioned as to whether we have hurt her instead of the other way around.

I want to do better in keeping my temper, but she makes me so mad! I like the ideas you are giving me: DH taking responsibility for how his daughter treats me, absolutely laying down the law and making consequences clear. I want to stop hiding and start living but the truth is I am afraid of her. We all are, DH, SS(18) and even the animals in the house. I brought my dog to live here and when she is mad at me she hurts him! One time she kicked him with all the strength she had right in his side because I would not let her watch TV after bad behavior. Trying to enforce consequences is world war III and just as dangerous.

DH and I began counseling today to get parenting coaching. Same counselor as before so he is aware of SD's issues and has seen her the couple of times we could get her out of the car. So I am looking forward to some progress. This week, DH and I are supposed to come up with consequences for her bad behavior that we can implement. So far we have take away computer because it's enforce-able. Can't keep her off TV without violence, but we can hide the laptop just fine. Any other ideas that are enforce-able? She's not big into going to play at friends' houses or talking on the phone. If you tell her she cannot eat something, she will spit in it so nobody else can either. I am looking forward to your responses!

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 7:54pm

Seriously!!!!! I had just been reamed in the head with a remote and was stunned. She got away from me because she knew she went too far. She is twisted and needs help.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Sat, 04/30/2011 - 4:20pm

How about a child in need of services petition? If she is unruly and out of control, you can have the courts intervene. She throws things, kicks dogs, and hits people? She needs to go to juvie.