first of many vents and some background....help!!!!
Ok so I'm new, this is my first post. Had a rough day with drama from BM. First here's some background. I have a SS7 and no children of my own. I've known SS and DH now for 5 years, married for 2.5 and DH and BM were never married and didn't have any kind of relationship when she got pregnant. No custody or CS has been determined. When BM was pregnant with SS she told my DH the BF that she wasn't sure who the father was, so he waited till my SS was born for a paternity test. BM had already signed adoption papers and when DH found out it was his child, he wanted to take on the responsibility and step up to the plate. BM always tries to accuse DH that he wanted her to get an abortion and always brings up drama from their past when things get heated or difficult.
Currently our schedule is SS is with us from Monday after school until Friday evening every week. We now get SS one weekend per month. BM has just recently moved for the 5th time since we got married. She has also told us recently she wants to join the Army Reserves. Around the time of our wedding, DH and BM completed some of a parenting plan form from the courts website but it was never filed and is now obsolete. She wanted a copy of it so she could prove to the Army that DH has full custody of SS. Yet today when DH told her he wouldn't drive 30 miles across town to her latest residence to pick him up from her, she flew off the handle.
She constantly berates him and tries to tell him that he is "nothing" and a horrible father. She however has not been to a single parent teacher conference in the past two years (first and second grade) and NEVER even calls her son when he's with us. We bought a house a couple years ago and tried very hard to live near her. But around the time we moved in, she moved across town. She seems to have no concept of being near her son or of putting him first.
Our first weekend with the new schedule was supposed to be next weekend, however due to her recent breakup with the boyfriend she recently moved in with, she needed to move this weekend and switched the weekend on us last minute. We will almost always have my SS extra and we never have him go with BM more than scheduled weekends. We try to be flexible to avoid confrontation with BM. But we cannot be driving all across town to different residences every couple months when she has a breakup or falling out with a roommate. Not to mention how damaging it is to my SS to have BM's boyfriends coming and going from their life constantly.
Trying so hard to be support for DH and SS. It is so frustrating to see her keep disappointing SS and just being so un-involved! My DH was shaking when they got off the phone earlier as she was ripping into him and saying every hurtful thing she could think of. When she said he was "nothing" he responded with "Well, I'm the nothing that's raising your son!" It makes me furious to hear the things she says to DH about us and tonight she even texted him "Have my son call me so I can tell him the real reason he won't see me tomorrow" Like she wanted my SS call her so she could say bad things to him about us?!?!?
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BM (Beast Mother in this
BM (Beast Mother in this case) know how to push your husband's buttons. He shouldn't allow her that power. Don't argue with her, you can't win when dealing with hatefulness and stupidity. You will just never win and if you have a good heart, you'll feel bad for lowering yourself to that level and saying hurtful words. Just don't do it.
When Beast Mother starts to belittle him (because she suffers from low self esteme and in her feeling miserable, wants to take your husband emotionally and mentally down to her level, when she stops to take a breath, you husband needs to say, "This isn't what you think about me, it's what's best for ____(son's name). When BM goes back into lunatic ranting again, your husband should patiently waits until she pauses for another breath, then say, "This isn't what you think about me, it's what I need to do for ______(name of son).
As difficult as it is, he shouldn't lower himself to her craziness. It isn't easy to take that crap off a madwoman or madman. But, this calls for self control and a plan that you and your husband have put together to deal with this Beast Mother.
WHy do you care that Beast Mother disappoints her son? That's what she's best out.
You and your husband be there for that boy when you can and you both be the role model in his life. You want that boy to have sanity and stability. If you and your husband lower yourself to BM level, he won't have that. You'll come across as ugly acting as her.
Life isn't perfect. No one can be there everytime for their children or loved ones. You and your husband need to let that boy see you care for him, you enjoy being with him, and you think of him all the time. That's going to get him through his mother's craziness when he's with her.
For you, sweetie.....remain calm with husband and stepson. They both need that is this messy messy life with that woman. You be their strength, you be the good and kind touches and words they need.
Hopefully, the woman joins the service and ships off into the sunset.
When she starts to belittle
When she starts to belittle him, hang up the phone. Let her make a fool of herself on voice mail where you can take it to court. He does not have to take her abuse - he is choosing to.
F Her! If theres one thing
F Her!
If theres one thing I've learned from all the 'shared custody' situations around me is that when you have primary custody, you decide when visitations can and cant happen. You can even write into your custody agreement that she has to mail you ahead of time as to where the child will stay and request in writing a month before for any changes. This way when she pulls this bs you won't even be in contempt. I hope for your sake she decides to go active- then shell truely be out of your life.
Best of luck!