Aw hon... Those thoughts are not good! Your hormones are just going crazy. How far along are you? I am due in two weeks... I have had similar up's and down's. Thinking about money and hating the fact that DH cut his kids umbilical cords. I fear that I will have a c-section and he won't get to cut our child's cord. And I know that would upset me. So I understand how you feel. But you need to talk to DH about how you are depressed. Or atleast go to a counselor. Suicide thoughts are not good... Even if you know you wouldn't actually go through with it. But I know how you feel. It is hard being pregnant and dealing with all of the feelings that come up due to DH alreasdy having kids from another woman. I thought having one of our own would make me feel better. But it has done the opposite. Not that I am not happy to have a child of our own. I'm ecstatic. But his kids and the CS make it so hard. But you can do it. Hang in there.

Aw, Sweetheart!!!!
Hang in there! You are just going through a rough phase. It will be okay!!
I completely understand how you feel and what you must be going through inside. This is one of the hardest things about being "the second wife" or even just having a child with someone who has had children previously with someone else. Feelings of jealousy, fear, anger, depression, resentment etc... are completely and perfectly normal and I would feel exactly the same way in your situation.

It's soooooooooo hard to hear about anything relating to any intimacies between your husband, his ex and his kids, because it makes you feel like your pregnancy isn't as special or unique, but it is!!! Your husband could have had five hundred kids (well, not that many really) and gone to town snipping as many umbilical cords as he wanted to, but that doesn't make his baby with you and your pregnancy any less special!!!! I remember my mom telling me about being upset because she got so much support, love and attention with her first baby (my older sister) and then almost none with me (the second oldest) just because she'd done it before and I wasn't her "first." It really hurt her feelings, so she tried to focus on enjoying me and ignoring the lack of support. It was very hard for her, but she got through it and became much happier later.

It's hard enough to share a life with a man that has unbreakable ties to his previous kids and his ex by proxy, but when you are pregnant and going through such a huge experience, you need to give yourself some leeway for emotions. You also have strong hormones surging through your body which makes everything more emotional and stressful and now is the time when you need the most support and understanding. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel to hear about the other kids being born? I have a feeling your DH is clueless to how you are feeling and is just pleased that his kids are excited about the new baby. He is probably trying to include them as much as possible (dad guilt is a powerful thing, trust me I know!!!) and in his mind, he is probably hugely relieved that things are going so well (from HIS perspective). Tell him that it makes you feel like your pregnancy is less special and that you need the focus to be on you, your new baby and him, the dad as well as the births of his other kids. Your step-kids are involved and getting a new sibling which is great, but you and your DH made this baby, nobody else and it is an incredibly miracle that deserves all the excitement and celebration that your DH's first baby and other kids got at their births. Bottom line: Your feelings (even if DH thinks they are irrational or overemotional) are the most important thing right now.

Feeling like your pregnancy/baby experience is "second class" compared to the others really sucks and I know how that feels in a way. The constant reminders that you aren't the first are really hard to swallow. This isn't comparable because I'm not pregnant with my husband's child (he has two already), but I have struggled with anger, jealousy and depression over all the reminders of DH's life with BM (even though it sucked and he hated her), including the two living reminders that I live with half the time! When DH and I were first married and spending time with my new in-laws, I had to deal with constant mentions of her, pictures of BM all over their house and the knowledge that I was the "second" (linearly!). With my in-laws, I decided my policy was that I was going to avoid all mention of BM, ignore references to her and just keep my issues with her completely separate from my relationship with them. Over time, and as they learned how awful BM really is, they had removed most reminders of her from their house and they now hate her too and don't mention her other than to discuss the awful thing she has done most recently. I knew they would come around eventually, but I decided to keep my trap shut and let them figure it out for themselves, which they did!

As far as your fear that your baby won't be as special because there won't be any "firsts," don't worry about that! This will be YOUR baby with your husband!!!!! That is something very special and cause for celebration!!! Who cares if he's been to his other kids births? He's not with their mom, is he? NO! He's with YOU! Also, if it's any comfort, when my mom had me (second oldest) she was terrified before I was born that she wouldn't love me as much as my older sister. She was hugely relieved to find out that wasn't at all true, but she had the same fears with my two little sisters as well and she loves us ALL more than I could possibly express. Every woman is different and every birth is different and each baby is special and new, so YOU giving birth to this child will be a new experience for both of you! It's not cool that your husband didn't fess up about the cutting of his other kids umbilical cords, but he was probably trying to de-emphasize that for the sake of your feelings. I'm sure he wants you to feel that this baby is just as special to him as the others and playing down his previous involvement is a classic guy way of trying to not hurt our feelings! My husband does this too sometimes and it drives me nuts!

For your own stress control, when you are making your birth plan, talk to your doctor specifically about who you do and do no want at the birth! In this case, your husband's feelings are irrelevant because YOU are the one giving birth. Request that only pre-approved people (approved by YOU) can be there for the birth and give specifics about what visitors will be allowed after, when and WHO. It is perfectly okay for you to demand that your step-children NOT be allowed until YOU decide you are ready to have them visit you and the baby. When my best friend had her second baby, she had had such a bad experience with her first (loads of random people showing up) that she made a list of approved people and the only people on the list were her husband and me!! She had a much happier, more relaxing and peaceful birth and then she let her friends and family visit the next day after she had had time to recover a little and bond with her baby privately and share the moment with exactly who she wanted. Don't feel guilty for saying what you need. People will get over it.

Please, please, please hang in there and if you really feel like you might hurt yourself, check into a hospital so they can help you or at least call a hotline so you can talk to someone. It may feel really bleak and hopeless, but it's not and you have a lot going on so it's understandable that you are struggling with this. I may not be going through this, but I can definitely empathize and although i'm a total stranger to you, I care!!!!! You're not alone. Having pregnancy hormones going crazy in your body sends your emotions on a rollercoaster too, so keep that in mind. My older sister is in the hospital giving birth as I write this (out of state, otherwise i'd be there!) and she has been more emotional in the past nine months than i've ever known her to be. She too, has had some problems with the dad of her baby and it pisses me off that so many men don't know how to support the women in their lives during the time they need it the most!

I also understand feeling bitter about your standard of life (for you and your baby) being lower than the BM had it, but on the other hand, YOU have the guy and money can't buy that! It's difficult and expensive to have kids, but you will manage and things definitely get easier in that area as time goes by. When my DH lived with BM (never married, thank God!) he was financially much more comfortable because they lived in a cheap (i.e. awful) apartment and had two incomes. We now live in subsidized housing and it's actually really nice, but the government gives us a rent allowance which helps us out a lot. Even with that and my husband having a wonderful job with good pay, full health insurance for him, me and the kids, and room for promotion, we still struggle to make ends meet. I work part time because I am still recovering from a major surgery and I also do dog sitting and nanny on the side, but with the child support DH has to pay, we are still very poor and have to be creative about entertainment, food and clothes. We only eat fast food on road trips and since we were both professional cooks, we cook every day and eat leftovers a lot. For clothes, I just comb the secondhand stores in our area and do clothes exchanges with my friends. We are poor and sometimes I feel really bitter and angry that BM had it so easy and had fun money at her disposal as well as not having to worry about basic expenses. I finally came to the conclusion that she may have had more money when she was with DH, I get to be his wife and the one he cuddles in bed with at night. Money comes and goes and can be earned when needed, but people and love can't be replaced or bought. Go ahead and feel angry and bitter because I would too, but also keep in mind that you have so much that his ex and his other kids don't have. His other kids are going to be growing up and leaving home in a few short years and your husband's daily family group will consist of him, you and your kids. It will be a wait, but if you can get through it, it will be worth it. Your husband is going to love his newest child just as much as his others. He may show his older kids extra affection and attention, but it's most likely that is because he feels guilty and is worried about them feeling replaced or less loved in the advent of a new baby to share their dad with.

Basically, Love is not finite and flows endlessly. I have a feeling that this baby is going to be loved devotedly by everyone involved. Give yourself a break!!!! Post on here, PM me if you'd like or do anything you can to get support. We've all been through this kind of thing and more people understand and care than you know!!! Hang in there, sweetie!

Hon..this time will pass. I know it is hard to see that now, but this will pass. You and your baby do have something BM and sks don't have. Your baby will be raised in a home with both a mother and father. Your baby won't be shuttled between homes on the weekends and all that stuff. YOUR baby will have a loving home with BOTH parents. Take care. I'll be praying for you.

Oh honey, I hate to hear you are feeling so bad! I struggle with depression too, and know yours is complicated further by your hormones and pregnancy.

But sometimes it helps me to really think out the thoughts I am having - you are thinking, how much easier it would be for DH if you were not here - who gives a flying F what makes him happy or his life easier??!! when he cannot support you carrying his baby??!!!

Also, this supposed great experience with BM ended in Divorce - so there, skids and BM, guess it wasn't really so great after all, you know! if they force this in people's face they could very likely get to hear the REALITY of it back.

I would NOT give up on what YOU need, screw the budget and call your family!! Get mad, do not get sad or endanger yourself or your innocent child!! HUGS honey I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I want to see an update here, on how you are feeling today?? please!!