Courtesy & Respect when scheduling Weekend Pick-ups & Drop-offs?
So, I am really tired of finding out what the plan is for the weekend pick-up and drop-off on Fri@5pm and Sun@6pm respectively.
My beef here is not necessarily with BM, because in the end it's DH who has enabled these last minute arrangements because he has made it a habit of going out of his way and re-arranging his schedule to suit the times that BM dictates, and to pick up AND drop off whenever she isn't available.
To my knowledge, they have agreed to share drop off and pick ups equally, but perhaps I have misconstrued "their arrangement" for drop-off and pick-up because I THINK it should be equally, but it really is whatever they both agree to, and by that, it seems to mean, DH agrees to whatever arrangement is best for BM. Now because, in my mind, DH hardly ever is willing to say "Sorry, I can't make it", I end up stuck with him on the giving, giving, giving end and I HATE it. I feel used, and I can't imagine how he doesn't feel used! But I guess he's doing it for himself really and for the kids, not BM, although he is doing favors for her in the process.
Anyway, I am usually AVAILABLE for these last minute arrangements and I usually just arrange myself and my kids to suit, always packed for an emergency trip with clothes, food, drinks etc for the babies. But it is exhausting to always be so prepared and flexible, it sucks to have to eat dinner on the go sometimes, because that's the time we have to be on the road, it sucks to have my babies' schedules thrown off on the weekend, and have them napping in the car at hours they aren't supposed to be napping, knowing that I will have to deal with the consequences at night (not DH). Sometimes I won't go with him, but I feel stuck at home, when I could have been out doing something else, or going to visit friends or family etc. Important to note: We have only one car and live in a place where public transportation is unreliable.
Now, there is an event that I can attend next Friday and I want to go. But schedules have to be arranged. It might be a good time to let DH feel a bit of his own type of behavior (toward me), but I'm wondering if this will be more bad than good.
Option 1: Zero Courtesy and respect for his time (which is how I feel about my time in the current situation) I can wait until next Friday to tell him I'm going. Perhaps tell him right after he informs me of the weekend plans, and be clear that it isn't an option, I AM GOING.
Option 2: Courtesy and respect for his time as usual: Tell him about the event early enough, see if and how he can arrange his schedule to suit. He is usually good about trying to make it happen for me, but I do give him the option of saying "Sorry, not possible" for whatever reason because his job usually comes first.
Your thoughts????? Do you think that laying it on him last minute make him see any light????
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Nope, I don't think waiting
Nope, I don't think waiting until last minute is good. Let him know ahead of time so that he can plan. Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that jazz.
For the future, how about getting the two of them to agree to a set schedule. We have it setup so that BM drops off at our house at 7pm on her Mondays, and we drop off at hers on our Mondays at 7pm. Granted, she's usually late dropping off, and is almost never home when we drop off, but at least we know how it's going to work week to week.
You're right. 2 wrongs don't
You're right. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I know this. Yet I still flirt with the idea of doing wrong just to see how it turns out.
I can't get my husband to agree with me about a schedule and he can't get BM to agree with him about a schedule. I can't control them, only myself. I have TRIED to get a schedule going, really... but in the end, I can't make 2 adults do anything they both don't want to do.
Can't wait to get my own car and just not be around and available; to live my life how I want.
Our time are set in the
Our time are set in the custody order, so it makes it easier. Maybe see if you can convince him to have that written in if there's ever a time you file for any changes?
And yes, I agree, you'll feel much more free once you have your own wheels. There's no way I would be able to survive without a car.
Ugh, I know your frustration.
Ugh, I know your frustration. The good thing is that we have 2 vehicles, but the SDs live 1.5 hours away and whenever their grandparents call saying we need to pick them up my DH just jumps up and goes, even if he has plans. It's so annoying. He says "I'm their father, it's my responsibility." Well maybe so, but its not like he had these kids on his own. Their irresponsible daughter who refused to use BC also had a part in making these kids so why is it that he is the only one who has to take them when her parents can't.
That being said, I would tel your hubs about your plans, put it on his calendar, tell him they can't be changed, and remind him daily. That way he has no excuse when the time comes.
if your plan is to give him a
if your plan is to give him a taste of his own medicine to make him "see the light" I doubt it is going to work. In the end it will just piss you off more that he didn't wake up. It will probably upset you also that he might turn the tables and get mad at you for not telling him ahead of time so that he can make the other arrangements.
Gah know the feeling. BM
Gah know the feeling. BM starts texting on Wed/Thurs to ask if when FDH is getting SD. He usually goes down there Friday afternoon or evening, and has to shimmy around BMs schedule, as she used to not let him pick up SD from her sitter. They live 1hr or 1.5hrs+ during peak traffic. Then on Sundays she starts texting in the AM wanting to know when hes bringing her back.
Hell give a time on Sundays, but that time only works if shes available then. This past weekend she decided that the time wasnt going to work for her after we drove the 1hr+. She was eating at a restaurant and 'couldnt come'.
For the 1st time FDH laid down the rules and said shed have to drive further to come get SD from his parents house, or meet him now. She sent her mom. What a piece. We drive an HOUR and she cant drive 15minutes!
There are specific times in the CO as well, but it also state that drop off and pick up is at BMs house and FDH wont go over there, so they meet. Still, dont let BM dictate everything and youd think DH would know better!
I'm a brat and go for the two
I'm a brat and go for the two wrongs make ME feel right. We don't really have to worry about scheduling pick up and drop off so much now that skids are a bit older (13 and 14), but what chaps my ass now is DH and his stupid omission of information crap.
Prime example.. last Friday, I specifically said to him on my way out the door for work, "So DH what are your plans for the day?" He said he was getting the car inspected and had a Dr appointment in the afternoon. We also had an invitation the night before from some friends to meet them out for fish fry. DH told me he told them that it would depend on how he felt. So, I got home from work, and DH was not home (I expected this because of his Dr.'s appt) So I did some things around the house and then when it got to be time that we were obviously not going to make it to dinner with our friends, I ASSUMED (because of course DH can't tell me) that we were not doing dinner. So BS2 and I went for a walk. when we got home DH was home with guess who??? SS13. Hmmmm... when did THIS plan come about?? I HATE this shit.. I understand it is his kid and his home, but a little freaking common courtesy goes a long way. WTF couldn't he just tell me he was picking SS up? Why is it a big secret? not like I'm not going to find out he's coming!
So anyway, later DH asks if I have anything planned for Saturday, I told him no. But while he and SS were out turkey hunting Saturday morning, I MADE plans and left. Didn't tell DH, why should I? He doesn't tell me. BS2 and I got home about 5 pm and DH was all "Oh, Where were you guys all this time?" and started the 50 questions. Well how do you like it??
Yep, I'm a brat, two can play his stupid game.
I would go with Option 2---
I would go with Option 2--- but don't ask him. Tell him your plans, and what you are doing. Let him figure out his part. Don't change your plans around his kids' schedule.