Grandparents in stepfamilies
Do any of you have this problem?:
Grandparents treating grandchildren very differently... a) Doting over new baby (yours and DH/DW) and b)slighting the children of DH and BM (i.e. your stepkids)
We actually live with DH's parents right now. So the stepkids come every weekend and were here for a few days extra this summer. Their preference is blatant. Grandparents exude LOVE for baby, and the stepkids are tolerated. Grandma tries to pretend there's love, but the difference in love for stepkids and love for baby is so prominent. Grandpa barely even tries to pretend.
This weekend past, I stood up to Grandpa for SS, and now I am like an outcast.
I hate the inequity. I think the kids understand when I treat my baby a bit different, since I am the mother, and they have a mother who treats them just as special. But they definitely feel slighted by the way they are treated by the grandparents who are grandparents to all 3 of them equally.
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Just to be clear, these are
Just to be clear, these are grandparents of both my stepkids and my (bio)kid.
I do get the impression that the grandparents fawned over the stepkids when they were babies, but they lived far away from them so it was not the every day interactions like they have with this baby. Grandparents did move closer though, when the kids were toddlers. Grandma had a bunch of things saved from when SS and SD were babies that were handed down to my baby. There is a bit of bitterness because this baby actually uses the stuff Grandma buys, whereas BM used to throw out the stuff that Grandma bought for her kids.
Anyway, the stepkids were pretty close to their grandparents, but with arrival of my baby (and, I guess, the fact that they will soon be teenagers), that relationship has cooled off tremendously. DH is just as peeved as I am about it, because we both think that the grandparents play a pivotal role in how smooth the transition is for the stepkids, with having a new baby around, especially since we actually live with them.
Here is an example: We come home after a day out on the weekend, with our guests in tow. Grandma is at the front door waiting, saying, "Where is my grandchild?" over and over. Everyone knows who she means, and I feel terribly sad for my stepkids, and embarrassed in front of my guests.
My parents have four
My parents have four grandchildren. My niece and two nephews and my son (SS). My SS is their oldest grand child. My wife and I started dating when SS was 15mos old. I introduced my wife (then GF) and her child to my parents after we had been dating for ~ 4mos and a few weeks before my niece was born. My son (SS) is 1.5 years older than my niece.
I pitty anyone who tried to tell my parents that my son (SS) is not their grand child. That conversation would get violent.
They included him in their will though differently than the other grand kids. My brother's three are shareholders in the family trust upon my parent's demise. My son (SS) gets a lump sum. My parents do not want the SpermClan to have any influence on the family trust through my son (SS).
Had I been able to adopt my son (SS) prior to his 18th birthday then he would have been a shareholder in the trust.
My son (SS)and my two nephews just went on a month long RV trip with my parents. It was grandson Mecca for a month!.
My son (SS) is definately every bit a Rags grand child to my mom and dad.
Best regards,
My MIL has never set eyes on
My MIL has never set eyes on our DS but she worships the ground that the skids walk on. It will be the same with the next one also. She made her choices in her relationship with DH & I by siding with BM and basically excluding DH from his children's lives at every chance. We have nothing to do with her anymore.
My FIL only asks about the boys (DS & SS), I rarely hear him even ask about SD and he does ask about my pregnancy but it's more about how he wonders why we are doing this again and am I crazy. I like the guy and sometimes it's funny but we'll see how he is when she arrives next week.
My folks of course adore DS to the point they moved to TX to be near him - the bonus was the day they told us, DS proceed to show them his Big Brother shirt. My mom almost died. They are cordial and thoughtful when it comes to SS, they include him when he is around. But he's not their grandchild. They've never met SD.
My parents have 2
My parents have 2 grandchildren and 3 step-grandkids (my skids). DS is 18 and the other grandchild is 3. They are very sweet to my skids and give them nice gifts for birthdays/holidays but they are NOT their grandchildren and it's not even remotely even. For Christmas for example my parents will spend around $100 per skid but DS has about $1000 spent on him. However we work around that and just make sure he gets his gifts privately so as not to hurt their feelings. My DH doesn't like it but that's tough. DS only has my parents where skids each have DH's parents, their BM's parents and their SF's parents as well!
DH only has his mother left
DH only has his mother left now, I should have clarified, and she is in her 80's. She has never been anything but sweet to me and my DS but she LOVES my SDs as they are the little girls of her "baby boy".
My parents don't treat my ss
My parents don't treat my ss like they do the other grandkids (my brother's kids and mine/dh's kids). They get him a gift for Christmas, talk to him, take him places with my ds, kid around with him.... But they don't dote on him like they so the rest. And he doesn't expect it either. He knows if my kids are over that those are their grandparents and yeah, they'll get spoiled some. But he practically lives with his maternal grandparents and they spoil and dote over him. Also, my kids have my parents and in-laws. Ss has my I laws, his mom's parents and his stepdad's parents too. And his gparents have always spoiled him. He loves them so much. My parents don't feel the need to dote over him too because he gets that already and they don't try to be something they aren't to him. To him, they aren't grandparents, they are 'SM's parents.' the thing with us too is that ss hasn't been in our lives in 3 years. So right now it's like having a stranger over in a way. Plus he's never really wanted to get to know me or my family, so...
This is kind of a touchy
This is kind of a touchy subject in our home.
The grandparents on both sides do make an effort in including all of the kids (I have 2, DH has 2). Christmas and birthday gifts always seem to be approximately even.
However, my oldest son is favored by my parents over all the kids (even over my youngest). I think this is mainly because I was young (19) when he was born and while I lived on my own, they were very involved and spent lots of time with him while I was in school or working.
The kids are all older, no babies to contend with. Each set of kids had their own things they did with their grandparents before we blended our families. My parents love to take big vacations with my boys and often spend weeks or weekends at the lake. DH isn't comfortable with his kids going without him because his time is so limited as it is with his two. While I have mine the majority of the time so them spending a week or two with g-ma and g-pa is no big deal to me. Skids have spent a night or two here or there with their DH's parents but it's usually at their house and very limited because they are respectful about cutting into his time with the kids.
The hardest we've had to deal with was the end of this past school year. SD was 'graduating' from 6th grade which is elementary school and at the same time BS14 was 'graduating' from 8th grade and entering HS. SD's school had a graduation ceremony but BS's school did not (different school districts). We wanted to do something like go out to eat to celebrate SD's 'graduation' but DH's mom turned it into a big 'graduation' party at her home with gifts, etc. BS didn't like that she was getting all this attention and gifts when the rest of them were not. I tried to explain to him that he'll get a big graduation party in 4 years and that this was just to celebrate leaving elementary school where she'd spent the last 7+ years but he still wasn't thrilled about it and I can't say I blamed him!
I guess they aren't all treated exactly as equals. However, some of that is caused by DH and myself and not so much by the grandparents.
I think it also depends on if
I think it also depends on if you have custody of your skids or not. My ss only comes eow. I think that makes a difference in the situation. If you have custody and have a good relationship with your skid then I can see it being a problem. If you don't have custody and/if your parents live in another town you have to understad they may not feel like they even know your skid, let alone treat them as 'their own'.
We do not have custody, but
We do not have custody, but they are here every weekend and we live with "their own" grandparents. The grandparents know the kids pretty well, having lived close to them for the last 10 years.
Again, just to be clear,
Again, just to be clear, these are the blood grandparents of both my stepkids (DH & BM kids) and our baby (DH & I).
Well, from what I'm hearing, there really isn't that "equalness".
But I still think that there should still be that reassurance of love no matter what the age of the kids. When grandma holds the baby and says, "Grandma loves you" over and over, but never really displays love for the other kids as affectionately or as often, it must sting a bit.
I missed that I guess. Wow.
I missed that I guess. Wow. That's weird. My mil treats my ss the same as dh/my kids. She doesn't see him as much as our kids (which isn't a lot anyway). My fil sees ss more but still treats our kids the same as ss. Maybe your in-laws are just excited about a baby. I mean everyone fusses over babies. If it bothers your skids then have dh talk to his parents. Does dh complain and notice too? Were your inlaws affectionate to these kids before and it stopped? How is she with other grandkids? Some people just aren't openly affectionate to people but they are to babies. Stretching it, I know, but a possibility... How old are the skids? If they're preteen age maybe grandparents think they would be embarassing them by saying I love yous and hugging/kissing them?
All good questions. DH
All good questions.
DH notices but is afraid to tell his parents anything. They are always right, and we live with them and depend on having this place to live until we're back in the black.
They, well, esp grandma was very affectionate with them. They were the only grandkids for a long time. When baby came along, I guess she had been waiting for another one for a long time, so yes, she was and is pretty excited (to a point that's annoying, because sometimes she acts as if baby is her child, I swear if I wasn't breastfeeding, she would have pretty much taken this baby away from me!). Anyway, my observation is that the stepkids pulled back a bit in their own affection when they saw how she treated the baby. Then it took a bigger effort for Grandma to be affectionate with them. But it's so easy to be affectionate with a baby, and affection for my stepkids has just died.
Yes, they are pre-teen, but this is a very loving and openly affectionate family. They still hug me and hug and kiss dad and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Touchy subject for me as
Touchy subject for me as well. My inlaws have always treated ss preferentially over my kids (their stepgrandkids)AND their bio granddaughter (mine and dh's daughter). He got more expensive gifts-got special time with them for events and when my dh was in Iraq they drove 3 hours twice a weekend to pick him up for eow visits. My kids live 15 minutes away and they saw them maybe twice in 8 months. When I put the pressure to dh to ask why she (mostly mil,fil stays out of it mostly)did this, she made excuses about how ss is harder to deal with if there is anyone there (like it was a given that ss would definitely come so my kids couldn't) and how she felt sorry for him because she thought his bm was a pos. She took him out to eat, bought him clothes, gave him money for "chores" around their house, bought him video games, I was willing to forgive the fact that she didn't treat my bios the same-after all they went her biological grandchildren although she's known them since they were 1 and 2 and they are now 11 and 12. But that she treated my dd with dh that way as well-is something I could not figure out.
My parents on the other hand always treated ss equally to the other kids. In my heart I always knew they loved my kids differently/more whatever, but ss always had equal gifts, equal visits, lots of attention from them as well. A few years ago he stopped calling them grandma and grandpa although he had close contact with them for 10 years (closer than any of his biograndparents)-now I am pretty sure he think of them as my aka the evil stepmother's parents and does not pay much attention to them except when he is holding his hand out at xmas and bday time.
Hmmm... this is
Hmmm... this is interesting.
Baby has not had a birthday or Christmas as yet. But baby receives gifts ALL the time. I barely get a chance to purchase anything for baby, my MIL gets it first, but we are on a tight budget so that has been a help for us.
But yes, the kids spot that baby gets more stuff. The things are really not expensive, e.g. clothes from the clearance racks (MIL is very thrifty) but there was a time when MIL had a new outfit for baby every night. The kids are here only on the weekend but they notice anything that's new. SD especially always asks, "Did grandma get baby that?" They never got anything new while baby was getting all this stuff, but they do get stuff on special occasions.
One area of contention though, is that baby wears and uses the stuff grandma buys. Grandma has bought the stepkids clothes and never seen them wear it. And it's not that they take it to mom's house and wear it there, they just kept the clothes in drawers, and even threw them out when Grandma asked them to sort out their old clothes to donate. The only exception happened when SD insisted she wanted clothes from Aeropostale for her birthday, those get worn, but a thrifty Grandma does not regularly shop at Aeropostale.
Grandma just returned from a trip. Baby has received a few cute outfits. Stepkids got a T-shirt each. Grandma dressed baby in one of the new outfits, and then was visibly upset that stepkids did not put on their T-shirts. The baby outfits were cheap but cute and purchased by Grandma, the T-shirts were nothing extraordinary and actually purchased by someone else for the kids and sent with Grandma. The stepkids definitely notice these things. DH heard Grandma talking to them about the T-shirts and was able to convince (/force) SS11 to put his on but SD12 refused.
They're 11 and 12. SS was
They're 11 and 12.
SS was talking to me, on his way to the bathroom. Granddad interrupted and ordered him to go to bathe. He didn't go immediately and replied, "I was just talking to Stepmom31". Granddad said something about how disrespectful SS was, and I pointed out that he was talking to me. He insisted, and I insisted my side.
Anyway, they're warming back up now, mainly because the beloved baby belongs to me and they can't stay away from the baby.
I think you make a very good
I think you make a very good point here.
"It's difficult not to feel more love for a child who is allowed to love you back, than one who is taught you are "not really" a grandparent."
Grandma knows that the stepkids treat their other grandmother (mom's mom) differently, because she actually interacts with the other grandmother every so often and that grandmother is always showing off about how they treat her.
BUT
The change in how they treat her only came about when baby arrived. So at the same time, it may be difficult for the stepkids to feel love for a grandparent who has sort of throw you aside for a newer grandkid, one whose mom is considered part of the family while their mom is not.
And yes, there is the possibility of losing the grandkids that don't live with us, if ever they decide not to visit DH and be a part of his family.
My parents do not treat my
My parents do not treat my stepson7 differently than they do my daughter9 to his face but they do not do the same for him when it comes to gifts, rewards, etc. They do get him something at Christmas but it is nothing compared to what my daughter gets from them. They forget all about his birthday.
It also has to do with the
It also has to do with the fact that you and the baby live with them. They see baby everyday and will probably always have a closer bond with baby than the other kids. My parents are closer to my birth kids than they are to my brother's kids just because my brother and family have always lived out of town. We (and kids) lived in the same town and even lived with them for awhile too. As far as the skids noticing the 'new' things baby gets...are you sure bm isn't putting ideas into their heads?? How would they notice new outfits if they aren't even there all the time? If they asked if something was new I would just say 'no, it's been in baby's closet'. I also think mil is just trying to help you guys by buying things for the baby. Like you said, baby needs things plus it gets used whereas the skids stuff doesn't get used. Besides that it sounds like the skids are picky about what they wear anyway. Totally an age thing, but grandma may not be able to afford it or may not want to buy name brand stuff. The thing is you can't control how mil spends her money. She's going to get what she wants. And it is really hard for me to believe that these skids (who aren't there daily) notice all the new things baby gets and is aware that it's from grandma. What do they do...go thru the baby's closet?? My ss12 doesn't notice when our kids get new stuff. Is grandma giving you things for the baby in front ofthem? If so maybe tell her to give it to you when they aren't around. That way they aren't aware of any gift giving. Also it really isn't the skids business to know where things come from anyway. You keep saying they are aware, but how? Is it happening right in front of them or are they being told how much grandma spends on them? Idk. I still think bm is behind this. Sounds like she's trying to make them feel left out so they backed off their grandparents and grandparents in turn backed off fromthem too. Is bm the type to put these thoughts in their heads? Just a thought.
Quite sure BM isn't putting
Quite sure BM isn't putting ideas in their heads, though she's definitely the kind to take the idea and help it to sink into their minds as gospel truth. Here's why:
1. The kids see MIL put on new clothes for baby on the weekend. MIL announces that she bought it to all, and wants a pic of baby in each new outfit.
2. SD likes to choose an outfit for baby and help me dress the baby. She OBSERVES baby's wardrobe like a hawk.
3. After she observes, she then asks, "Is that a new outfit?" "Did grandma get it for her?" and I'm not going to lie to her, I tell her the truth.
To be honest, it's pretty easy for the kids to notice the new things - because those things simply weren't there the weekend before. They notice the new toys, they notice what was bought at the grocery, they even notice (from the leftovers) what we cooked when they weren't here and comment on it e.g. "You guys cooked lamb when I wasn't here???!!" They notice because they are actively constantly counting and comparing.
Wow. Observant little kids!
Wow. Observant little kids! And that's what makes ne wonder if bm doesn't put them up to 'snooping'. We have to be careful because ss sometimes is a little spy for bm. We don't leave receipts around, new shopping bags around, etc because we know he'll tell bm then she'll think we can afford more cs. My ss is 12 too but doesn't notice new things on his own unless he happens to be 'spy' that weekend. It's that constant counting/comparing comment that makes me wonder. Anyway, as far as gma, I would have dh talk to his mom & tell him the kids are feelin left out. Or suggest that she doesn't make a big deal of it when/if she buys the kids stuff. If they ask who bought it then maye down play it, "yeah, gma bought it from that secondhand store/used clothes store". Tough situation but dh needs to be the one to handle it since it's his parents and his kids.