Boundaries/Rules for adult skids
I made an appt with our counselor for DH, myself and SD21. I was shocked to learn that she was willing to join us for a session.
The main purpose of this session is to set up boundaries with SD because since I've been with DH, she has tried her best to split us apart and be rude. So I've started my list. Does anyone else have any suggestions for adult skid boundaries that I can add? I don't want to omit anything and then regret it later. This is what I have so far (along with some notes for myself to explain the decisions):
1. No discussions regarding the state of our marriage. This is our business alone.
2. No discussions of our lifestyle/finances. Our business.
3. I will be present for any visits with kids until I’m comfortable. However, no ‘alone’ time with just the kids. Either DH or myself will be present. No driving them around or taking them to any events because of the 'ice storm' incident.
4. No visits to our home. There’s too much trouble/drama after her visits.
5. When needing a loan, must show that she’s working full-time and trying. We will only help, not enable. Any money borrowed is to be paid back as agreed upon before the loan. If there is no intention of paying it back, then it must be made known when asked for and we will discuss together if it is feasible. Keep in mind there are 2 young children here to raise and get through childhood. she is capable of supporting herself now with the aid of her stylists certificate. Our kids will need money for college, and we also need to SAVE for that. Also keep in mind that we are still paying off the loans for SD and SS.
6. Mind the tone. Condescending, rude behavior will be corrected immediately, regardless of who is present at the time.
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Comments
i like your list so far but
i like your list so far but #5 was kind of iffy for me.she has been trying to break you apart and trying to cause trouble since the beginning. Why trust her with any sort of loan? she is 21 years old and needs to take care of herself.who is to say she won't borrow money from you and then skip out and you never see her or the money again?
I know DD. I wouln't feel
I know DD. I wouln't feel comfortable even loaning her any money. But I have to give a little. I'm willing to flex, but there needs to be some rules in place for these things because I know that she'll stiff us if we do give her anything. But when I talk about a loan, I'm not talking about thousands of dollars. Just small loans. I don't want DH to feel like he has to completely cut her off, because then he'll think I'm being evil and inflexible. Also, our therapist stated last time that she's an adult and our kids are kids, so if she can get that point across to SD, this one might not come up anyway. Just want to be prepared in case it does.
ok that makes sense then. i
ok that makes sense then. i was worried for a minute thinking she would go through the song and dance of therapy just to get a large loan and stiff you later.
i don't think you're evil or inflexible just the fact that you're worried about being viewed that way tells me you aren't either of those things. I really hope therapy goes well for you.i imagine life will be so much nicer if sd would use her brain and be a good girl.
And I like your list.I can't really think of anything to add to it without making it seem too "Stepmom Nazi".If I had an sd like yours my list would be miles long and way meaner
Add to #5 that if ANY loan
Add to #5 that if ANY loan isn't repaid, NOT FURTHER loans will be given.
DUH! how could I forget
DUH! how could I forget that. Thanks IAC!
No visits to your home?
No visits to your home? Seriously? You won't allow your husband's child to come into your house? That would be a deal breaker for me.
I think the counselor is
I think the counselor is really just so a third party with no emotion tied to it can look at the facts and say "yeah, that's reasonable" so the skid has to realize she's being ridiculous.
I think it's always a good idea, hell it even says in Proverbs in the Bible, if you approach someone with something reasonable and they can't see it, take another with you, and if they still don't see it go to a neutral third party and let them help decide who is right.
Even if skid follows the rule the real idea is to get her to change her attitude, and that's best done with the help of a licensed professional who can say "skid, quit being a dumbass. you're stepmom is right."
My SD has also been
My SD has also been destroying things and when she leaves there are always things missing or broken. Soon she will not be allowed here either.
This is one of our (DH and I)
This is one of our (DH and I) counseling sessions already scheduled. SD will just be joining us for this one. She hasn't stolen or destroyed anything. It's her general shitty attitude toward me. It's difficult to describe, but it's there. I used to leave the house when she would come over, but then I thought 'why should I leave MY OWN home?' Then SD decided that she didn't ever want to see me again, and hasn't come here since. So DH and I decided that he would meet with the skids elsewhere. Restaurants or SS's apartment are the usual meeting places.
"counseling won't help her
"counseling won't help her shitty attitude"
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Wow! Seems SD is not the only one with a bad attitude. Are you not getting help through counseling Steperg? In my opinion, it's a good idea to include SD. Gives her an opportunity to air her feelings with everyone else. If she chooses not to make use of the opportunity, it falls on her.
"Your H agreed to this because he is tired of the both of you.
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You take a lot of freedom in speaking for for her husband. Is that to say that your husband, Steperg, is tired of you & your SD, & that that's what made him agree to counseling?
"Your making a huge mistake to think counseling is going to change her attitude. Only you can do that by not responding to her...."
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Wrong again. Only SD can change SD's attitude. She can blame her attitude on anyone else, but when it comes down to it, it's hers & hers alone.
The counselor acts as the
The counselor acts as the mediator. If she begins to bring up issues that don't concern her, she'll be stopped in her tracks. Don't you think it would be helpful to hear what's going through her mind? Maybe if you got some insight as to how she feels, you and she could work on the issues and maybe come to some sort of agreement that would make the drama go away and make your lives more peaceful. You don't have to discuss any issues between you and your DH with her present. It's just a way of extending the olive branch and making some sort of effort to smooth things out. Someone has to take the first step, right?
Absolutely agree! A mediator
Absolutely agree! A mediator will keep discussion on track & will help hold the conversation to the facts, rather than having it blow up into useless argument. That way, everyone is able to speak for themselves, defend themselves & be open to hear what the others have to say. It will also let SD see that stepoff has an interest in working toward a reasonable relationship rather than just feeling hated & despised. Perhaps SD will take to that attitude better than if stepoff were just to demand that her H have no relationship with his daughter. I think it's a good opportunity for them.
"whats in her mind does not
"whats in her mind does not matter. "
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So, you're thoughts & feelings are the ones that matter? I guess that clarifies why some skids feel so much hate for their stepparents.
I agree Storm. Steperg, if
I agree Storm.
Steperg, if you don't stop, breath and hear her out and give her some kind of chance, then your situation will never improve and sorry, but it will be on your hands. What is so bad about hearing her thoughts and finding out what is bothering her so much? Would it really be that bad for you to give her a moment, just ONE moment to hear her out? Maybe if you show her some sort of compassion, even the teensiest bit, she'll change her behavior. After all, that's what you're after, right? She can change her behavior, yes. She's an adult. After all, she's 20 not 6. So how about giving her the chance.
That's exactly what I'm
That's exactly what I'm expecting out of my SD also. But it has to start somewhere. If nobody makes the first move, it will stay exactly where it is now. I don't know about you, but I can't accept where we are now. I'm tired of her meddling in my marriage and disgusted with her attitude. I know exactly how this is going to go, but I have to take the first step. And when she starts the "poor me" "you never liked me" "you never tried" crap, I have PLENTY of examples and events to PROVE she had NO intentions of ever accepting me into her life/family. Hell, even DH admits she ran off every girlfriend he had between his divorce and meeting me. I'm ready. If your SD started the same, you could do that too. But at least things will be in the open and then you can work on either trying to fix them, or making it clear that her behavior isn't going to be tolerated and all 3 of you can make rules to stick by.
Absolutely on target SA. I
Absolutely on target SA. I even asked DH last night "if there's anything I should know before our session, now would be a good time to tell me." In other words, if he's been playing both sides to look like the good guy, he needs to let me know BEFORE we go there. I don't want any surprises, and he'll end up looking the fool. But as for any issues with our marriage, that's strictly off the table. Nothing regarding our marriage will be discussed, and I'll be sure of that. This is only to settle the issues we're having with SD. And I do plan to do as you suggest: keep quiet and let her bury herself. I'm no fool. The more people talk, the deeper they get into shit. I plan on keeping clean. But I have to do something. If I don't try, nothing will change and we can't keep going on like this. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.
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" No way I'd agree to
" No way I'd agree to counseling "with" her present."
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Is that because you're afraid of what she would have to say about you? You keep posting about the wonders counseling has done for you. Why wouldn't you give your SD the same opportunity?
So DH and I decided that he
So DH and I decided that he would meet with the skids elsewhere. Restaurants or SS's apartment are the usual meeting places.
Really? You both sat down and decided this? I'm guessing it was more along the lines that you TOLD him that he couldn't have his children over at YOUR house anymore and he's had to do this out of necessity.
I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion and you have stooped to the level of a CHILD and are playing CHILDISH games.
No. DH and I both agreed
No. DH and I both agreed that this is our home and we should both be respected here, regardless of who it is being disrespectful. Sorry you don't believe or understand this, but this is how it is.
Glad to see you are back.....
Glad to see you are back..... I completely agree with you!
I need you to come to this
I need you to come to this therapy session with us. You put it into words in a way that I cannot.
Thursday, 7/1 at 10 a.m. Be there!
Everyone should have
Everyone should have boundries, life is full of them: laws, rules, guidelines etc. Children need to know it's not different in the home either.
Boundries should be reasonable with the age of the children obviously. When my sk visit, I talk to my DH about what is acceptable and what is not and HE lays the law down..not me. SO they know that their father is their enforcer. DH also states that if they do not listen to him or ME that consequences will be suffered. They know I'm not their mother or trying to replace her, but they acknowledge me as an adult figure in their life who has rules in the home.
As children reach adult hood they need to know that their parents are not money machines. If they want something, they have to work too. There is nothing wrong with finacially helping your child, as long as they prove they are willing to work for themselves too...this is a working world..you dont work, you don't get.
Bingo PF! That's exactly the
Bingo PF! That's exactly the message that SD needs to hear and understand. I sure hope DH and the counselor can get it across to her. If not, I'm going to have to step in for the sake of my own sanity.
I'm bringing along with me the definition of helping vs. enabling that I've had posted on my fridge door for months. I'm hoping it will work.
"Your using your sd as an
"Your using your sd as an excuse to control your H."
Are you serious? Where do you get this crap from? I should give you SD's phone number because you two have something in common ... hypocracy!!
There you are!!! I was going
There you are!!! I was going to post a blog to see if you were still around because I could use your advice. You know what I'm talking about with this stuff!
I've thought about all of your points. In my last session with the counselor, she agreed that boundaries need to be set. She's already read the e-mails and knows what's going on, so no surprises there. She also stated a few times that SD is an adult and needs to be reminded of that, and because our kids are young, she's not, she needs to take more responsibility in/for her life.
I'm making this list now, a week before our session, so I can have DH look it over and find out if he agrees or not. Then we'll work on them before our session if we need. I'm totally expecting SD to rip me apart, but that's kinda why I'm looking forward to this session. She needs to get off her chest her issues with me, and I want to hear them directly from her. I'm ready to listen to her and defend myself if necessary. There's nothing I can say that DH hasn't already agreed with me about. So if he flips, then I'll have my answer and KNOW that DH is the problem, like I've been saying for some time now.
SD wanted little to nothing to do with her father until I came into the picture. Suddenly she's crying like a wounded kitten and saying she wants her daddy back. It's all very obvious to the players in this.
See, you make sense! Thanks
See, you make sense! Thanks for chiming in. I may have to alter my way of thinking about this a bit. I've heard from someone else to let the counselor, DH and SD do most of the talking. The more people talk, the more they get themselves in hot water usually. I just might have to sit back and zip my lip and let the chips fall where they will.
"She can say she's going to be nice, and then bitch about you 24/7 to your husband on his cell phone when you're not around. She can claim that she's not going to hit you guys up for money, and then beg him when you're not around."
I know she'll be doing both of these, among others. And her attitude toward me won't change, at least, I'm not holding my breath. It's just how her personality works.
Thanks SA! I'll post an update next week.
I hope your situation with the adult-step-daughters-from-hell is running more smoothly.
Same problem here. I told DH
Same problem here. I told DH long ago to stop telling me things about SD, because it was none of my business and would just get under my skin. I told him to do the same about me (no telling her stuff about me). He still occasionally tells me things about SD and I'm sure the other way, too. Pisses me off. SD still chews DH's ear, too, and like yours, would never say these things to me or around me. These are big girls now, they know exactly what they're doing. It's time to put my foot down.
I've told DH that the moment my name is brought up, to respectfully stand up and walk away. Don't let her get away with that crap anymore and stick to the rules. Whether or not he does this, I don't know because I'm not at their visits anymore. This is why I want them BOTH in the room. No more secrets because I know that DH tries to play both sides in order to keep the peace, but all he's really doing is making things worse. It's time to air this out and get everything on the table.
Good luck with your visit. Just one bit of unsolicited advice ... keep your cool. I wrote a letter to SD and was pretty bitchy about it, and I'm sure it didn't make me look very good. But as for the content and the message, I don't regret it one bit. It's all stuff that needed to be said and it's been too long. Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest as well. Good luck.
Yes, I know where you're
Yes, I know where you're coming from. I remember all the shit they pulled on you. You're a strong woman for putting up with them slinging crap your way for so long.
I had to accept a few things
I had to accept a few things about SD.
That it was not my job to fix her or to fix SD's & DH's relationship. I couldn't make her into what I wanted her to be. She is what she is.
Then I had to figure out how to live with that and that is why I set boundaries. SD is allowed in our home but only when DH is there. Not saying, Stepoff, that your decision is wrong - but this works for me. My only on going problem is family dinners and holidays. I love to cook and entertain but the last time SD was invited she refused to toast the chef (me) and of course this was out of DH's eyesight. So recently I haven't done the dinners and I miss them but I don't want to invite SD and I really don't want to fight about it with DH. Maybe I'm making a big issue over something petty - but we often just hit a wall in our capacity to forgive or undestand. Maybe that is what happend with you, Stepoff.
Well...there's that side of
Well...there's that side of it too!
Wow - that sounds so miserable, StepAside. Yikes - I'll count my blessings. And since I do enjoy playing the hostess - why cut my nose to spite my face, right?
Last Xmas wasn't so bad - DH and I had the standard fight because SD didn't know what her schedule was and I wanted to make plans.
I finally rented a luxury room at a downtown hotel for Xmas night. DH did spend time with SD during Xmas and we had a wonderful dinner downtown, enjoyed the lights, the room, etc.