These issues all of us deal with related to step/blended/whatever you call them families are so complex!
I've posted many times about my FH's guilt parenting, this notion of child-centeredness that means SS has always gotten all the attention he wants, been the total focus, gotten whatever experiences/lessons/vacations/etc. he wants from FH...without giving back anything, being responsible for anything, etc. He is 10.5 and doesn't really even know how to pour himself a bowl of cereal and lies in bed on the weekends until FH makes him breakfast and calls him to come eat it.
Well, BM is recently remarried, has a new baby, and my SS has a step-brother in that house who is 1 year older than him. He also has cable TV, candy bars, and also little responsibility in that house. BM is very manipulative-- emotionally so with both FH and SS. For the last month or so, SS has been spending increasing amounts of time at our house on the phone with BM, talking with her and her husband about ESPN, some pro-sports game, etc. BM leaves candy bars in his weekend bag for him.
FH has continued to focus all of his attention (at detriment to our relationship) on SS, canceling social plans to be at home with SS, choosing to forgo running household errands b/c SS "didn't want to" and instead spending a day I was working out riding bikes around with SS. Yet SS is increasingly taking advantage of FH (last weekend I asked him to fold HIS laundry with me- we were doing it together. When FH came out and started helping, SS looked at him and said "you do this, I'm going to my room." FH said "okay." I told him he was a fool if he kept going, so he stopped. A few minutes later SS came out of his room and looked at his dad and asked him "why aren't you folding the laundry? You told me you would." He then looked at me and smirked) and is also extremely unappreciative.
Yesterday, FH called him after not having heard from him in a few days, SS didn't really even want to come to the phone, stayed on for 3-4 minutes and was not engaged with the call, and then got off.
FH was crushed. I told him he needs to talk to SS tonight to tell him that his feelings are hurt and that SS if old enough to be emotionally responsible. I don't know if he will but I feel so sad for him! And at the same time, I don't want him to go back to this total child-centeredness, with no expectations for SS, etc.
Any thoughts on how to support FH but remain firm with having certain expectations for SS? Have I come on too strong with responsibility stuff? Gosh...now I am wondering if this is osmehow my fault!