I was sad when my kids went to college.  I was sad when my son moved to DC (I'm in Chicago).  I miss them now they both live in Michigan.  I never stopped living my life.  I never tried to stunt their emotional growth to keep them dependent on me.  I tried to explain to DH that is what he has done to his children.  They are so fucked up.  It's better the last couple years, but he still needs to fix everything for every one of them always.  SD17 is picking out curtains for her room.  He said something to her about 6 feet, she texted him how many inches is that?  He answered well how many inches in a foot.  She said, I don't know, 6?  She's graduating high school next month.  I told him she must be kidding.  She's messing with him, he said nope, she doesn't know.  So stunted these kids are in every way.

I think our society as a whole is very child-centric. Any online forum besides here will lecture people that "the kids come first!" in all things and you are made to feel like if every decision you make isn't to make the kids lives easier, you are a monster. And society as a whole has confused kids' emotional comfort with what is best for them, which is raising them to be independent adults. And what is ironic is that the more you cater to kids and do for them, the less happy they seem to be because they don't know how to self soothe and i think, deep down, they have a sense of failure. 

I feel like it could have to do with insecurity and fear of loss. I wouldn't say my DH was obsessed with his kids, but he was excessively accommodating,  making sure to hop to it to meet demands and ignoring bad behavior. He has said he was like that because he just wanted it to be a good experience when they were here, because then they would keep coming back.   It makes sense, he overcompensated because he was afraid to lose his kids.  Which sadly is happening right now anyway with SD17

Oh I agree totally.  I've tried over and over again to try to instill some independence for SDs, to help them be independent, strong, and know how to do things.  But DH just nixes it every single time.  He admits he's a permissive parent and 100% agrees with that philosophy.  That if you let them 'observe' and do things themselves - rather, NOT do things themselves - and discuss bad outcomes to no end (without ramificatins) then they will naturally grow into good people.  That we as the adults need to step back and let them do things alone.

WTF?  How's that working?  OSD is alienated - I think she needed, deperately, more boundaries and involvement which she didn't get here so now she's allowed to run BM's house.  And YSD is paralyzed by decision making and doing things on her own; much less have many friends because of it too. 

DH says his step dad was mean and he doesn't want the SDs to be treated like that.  However, I know that his Sdad had a LOT piled onto him; and he was overwhelmed (have talked with him about it).  And that DH was not an easy child - i.e. allowed to grow up 'feral' with (gasp!) no rules, chores, anything.  His sis has told me about it.  He thinks he turned out ok (well - he's a nice sweet man but the grasp of society sometimes is beyond him)

Chores, doing thing together when it's not just 'fun' stuff, cooking together - everyone pitching in, if someone messes up, boundaries and ramifications.  Just like the real world.  I used to tell DH that his kids are NOT going to be ready for the world, much less a JOB when the time comes.  He dismissed this every time.  I just laid down my terms a couple years ago:  no skids living with us once they go to college; the only exception would be a very mitigating circumstance and rent/rules/lease would be required or I'd be out.  I do hope that once YSD is in college that we sell the house and downsize considerably.  If the world allows that to happen at this point.

He also thinks my childhood was horrible.  I lived on a farm, I had a HORSE.  I was expected to help with the barn and chores as a consequence = responsibility for my wants.  I helped clean the house and helped with dinner.  I had a job when I was 16.  Yes, my parents were, IMHO, too strict but asking that SDs bring in the mail in the evening after they get home from school, bring in the empty trash cans once a week, required that they set/clear table if they didn't help cook, load/unload dishwasher or do ANY cleaning that is not associated with their bedroom and I'm POOF - mean step mom who is very strict and mean.

I'm with you, Stepping Out. I never doubted that my parents loved me, but I wasn't the center of their world. I had chores, and expectations, and discipline. My parents weren't perfect, but I was prepared to be an independent adult.

I probably should have been harder on my own child, but she is now in her 30s and independent and successful. Her road was harder than mine, and I frequently wonder if I was too centered on her and she didn't learn some essential skills. Ooof. She can say that her parents weren't perfect too.

DH chastises himself for not being a good parent. He was so miserable with the BM that he was away as much as possible, and not really attending when he was at home. That's entirely on him. I do see that he is more a friend parent. Probably never disciplined his kids at all. He talks to SD40 daily, and sometimes several times a day. He talks with SS35 less freqently, but SS is a recovering drug addict (6 years clean) and has worked hard to be independent and on his own. That meant facing some co-dependency issues.

Neither of DH's kids asks us for much at this point, and both are generally polite and respectful toward me. DH and his inability to parent has been the real problem.

Underlying mental health problems for parents who squelch their kids growth into adulthood.

 I will go as far as 'parents' who refuse to allow their adult kids with Disabilities to live in independent group homes/1 bedroom apartments or assisted living Facilities. Giving them the oppurtunity to maximize skills.  Not talking about bedridden souls....

NOPE not a enmeshed parent here. WE want our kids to independent. Ready for adulthood. That is our duty to them.

jmo

Also i think some parents use the kids to meet their own needs but confuse that with "being a good parent." Like the cases where there is nonstop cuddling and contact, but the kids are failing in school and don't have basic life skills. 

My favorite is how children don't go to anything alone anymore. I'm flabbergasted at all the parents who sit through sports practices. How boring. Unless you plan to take notes and work on drills later, what is the point? Why do children need "support" from their parents at practice?! My SS is in 8th grade and BM repeatedly told DH that he would cry because DH didn't go to any of his *practices*. My mom dropped me off at dance, soccer, basketball, etc and left starting at age 6. I don't remember being sad that she wasn't there...in fact, it was probably better, because she may have had words with me about not paying attention or not behaving myself. 

And yes, my SSs are helpless. Going to high school next year and when we are out anywhere they need help finding the bathroom. One literally stood at our table, said "where is it?" DH said, "look around for it." This kid turned himself around twice without leaving the table and said, "I can't find it." DH and I were both laughing at that point and DH said, "go look for it."

OH MY GOSH---Parents and sports practice. Isnt it crazy strugglingsm?

My parents did the same thing. Heck we walked for blocks and blocks to and from..OR we were dropped off too.

DH and I live near a school. There pre-covid---you would see alllll the chairs lined UP with parents sitting. . I ususally say LOOK it is all the single moms, dh's said "no its dads ordered to take the kids to practice or bm will increase the support. Both of which could be true.

Its nuts.

I think so many parents now days are a product of how they were raised. I have heard so many say that they are not going to raise their kids the way they were brought up. Their parents were too strict, and too demanding. what so many don't understand is that you may be the parent, but you are also your child's first teacher, you teach your child manners, respect, independence and everything else before they even start school. Now days so many parents do almost everything for the child, instead of taking the time to teach them how to do the work themselves, to me that's just lazy parenting.

It's natural instinct to protect a child from getting hurt, but it has now gotten to the point that so many kids are so coddled, that they can't function without reassurance that every little boo boo is going to be treated as a major injury that gets them attention from every adult around them. 

My kids were raised to be independent, I was a single mom and didn't have much time to help them with every little thing. They learned to think, reason and solve  many things, because I was working two jobs to survive. My sons sixth grade teacher turned me into CPS,  my son said that he had go straight home after school, because he had to start dinner and finish helping his sister with her laundry. This was over 30 years ago, so the craziness started a long time ago, with coddling kids. FYI: my son starting dinner was pulling ground sausage meat out of the refrigerator, and making sausage gravy S.O. S. with leftover biscuits from breakfast, or as my dad use to call it. Shit On a Shingle. At age 43 DS still makes great S.O.S.

BM and DH couldn't be any more opposite in this regard. Where DH has given the boys probably too much freedom (which they don't seem to abuse), BM has kept them on such a short leash until very recently (like, last six months "recently").

Weekend with Dad? She'd call every night. Activities? BM enrolled them in what she wanted them to participate in, then she'd volunteer, and then pull them out when she was fed up with it. Treated YSS like a baby for a very long time - he was 8 or 9 before he could tie his shoes, and she was still trying to cut up his food at 10-11. Forces hugs from both of them. Speaks on their behalf about "things they want" that they have no recollection of asking for. Hell, even when OSS came out, he wanted a piece of Pride ware. Did she let him pick it out? Nope, she just went out and bought it. He bought what he actually wanted a couple weeks later.

To BM, the boys are not separate entities. They are extensions of her. They are both stunted due to that, to the point that OSS is having panic attacks about being on his own. There's no amount of DH trying to convince him that it'll be okay, either. He's had BM dictate to him for so long what he should do and like that the prospect of having ultimate choice and freedom is terrifying.

Oh, and she was NOT happy that OSS chose a school two hours away versus the one 30 minutes down the road.

Now that she has the new hubby, though, she has ejected her claws some. But now the boys are wondering WTF they are supposed to do. Granted, they're teenagers so they have been pulling away some already, but it went from some teenage tension to having a lot of slack in the rope that they've never had. Now, DH is stepping in because too many things are being ignored, so he's equally frustrated that she did a 180 and isn't doing the things she's has to do as CP.

It's all selfishness.

I don't see anything wrong with the way I was raised.  I was a latchkey kid. I used to believe the only reason my parents had children was for free labor. If we wanted something we had to find a way to earn our own money to get it. Mowing lawns, delivering groceries,  newspapers whatever a young child could do. It made us more ambitious and taught us the value of money. As far as the "child labor" later in life I learned to appreciate learning to do things on my own and not having to rely on or pay someone to do it for me. I could do everything from roofing and drywall to changing my own brakes. My parents would give us money, a grocery list and send us 10 blocks to the store. We cooked our own meals during the week. Lets not forget about school.  My parents would help with homework if asked, but they expected it to be done everyday without question.  They never checked our work, they didnt feel they should have to it was our responsibility.  If our report cards didnt reflect thier expectations,  then you were grounded for the marking period until you pulled your grades up.  Which meant more time at home doing work.  Basically my parents did thier job! They taught us life skills, and how to be independent adults. 

What happens these days is "coddling ". Parents convince themselves that thier children are too stressed from school and activities so they give them a free pass on all other expectations. They accept thier children's excuses and sometimes will provide excuses for them. We as a society have lowered the bar on what is appropriate developmental expectations.  Some parents go as far as to believe it is some type of abuse or neglect to put kids to work or to punish them for not meeting expectations. 

I started telling my son at 4 that I am his mother not his maid and he will pick up after himself.  Each year as he has gotten older I have raised the bar with expectations.  So far he is turning out to be a pretty good kid and I am proud that he values what he has and at 12 has saved almost every penny he has earned. Because he sees he worked hard for it and he doesn't want to waste it on something like a video game he will only play for a while then get bored with. 

I look at OSD who is unbelievably irresponsible and lazy and SO who I have watched enable her.  She waits til the day of a school event to tell him there is an event and she has to attend because she is being graded on it. He responds by dropping everything and getting her an outfit immediately and rushing around to get her there on time. He is annoyed, but what what incentive does she have to change when there are zero consequences.  As a result he has a teenager who cant remember to bring a bathing suit to the water park, gloves skiing, clothes to a friends house she is spending the night at, a coat to wear when it's cold, her soccer uniform to school when thier is a game that day and the list can go on forever, because it's almost daily. She has zero life skills and completely lacks common sense. She has never lifted a finger to do a chore or clean up after herself.  She has zero appreciation for anything she has and when she loses something which is often or breaks something she expects it replaced. Which he used to do, but has finally stopped doing, only because he cant afford to. He might be able to afford it if he wasnt self employed and had to leave a job early every other day to run around bringing her the things she forgot. 

That is "coddling" and that is how you raise an irresponsible adult who is unable to function independently and problem solve on thier own. 

Personally I think the role of a parent is to give a child wings then let them fly. Coddling and spoiling children does not help the child, it creates a distorted sense of self worth where they think they're entitled to everything by doing nothing. They are in for serious emotional trauma once they learn the real world simply does not think they're special just for existing.