I got it all out, and felt good!
I got it all out, and felt good!
I've disengaged now for a few years, and DH is always trying to suck me back into the chaos that is SS9. I've been able to avoid it besides the occasional relapse until recently, when things that SS9's done started really negatively affecting BS15 and BD2. SS9 has been stealing different things from BS15 for years, so I added a lock to BS15's door. Most recently, SS9 stole both bio's Easter candy if you can believe it, along with some other inappropriate behavior with BD2. So I'm buying a lockbox for each bio's room, and SS9 is not allowed around BD2 unless fully supervised. I've always felt that way, but now DH understands why and agrees. One small victory.
So after the latest crap, I decided to make a list and go to SS9's therapy meeting with DH, BM and her fiance. I got everything out with SS9 right there, and the caseworkers and therapist were all truly shocked at the amount of stuff that they'd never heard of. I saw a lot of note-writing and heard a lot of questions to me and SS9's parents, and they had to admit a lot of stuff that they've ignored for years.
Stealing, vandalism, yelling, lying, crying, talking back, tantrums, walking around naked, peeing the bed, not taking showers...and the list goes on. I brought it ALL up!!! It's amazing...DH was supposed to have mentioned all of this in the past, but I quickly found out that this was not true. But now it's all out in the open, they all understand why I've been forced to disengage, and it's completely up to DH and BM to do what they need to do.
They all now know the whole truth, and that felt good. But as I suspected, nothing much has changed when DH and I got home. He started back with his old ways of not communicating properly with BM, and ignoring a lot of the bad behavior with the usual "it's not that bad". So again, I've decided that I've done my part and need to disengage. I gave it my all, and the people that can possibly help him now know everything. The ball is in their court now. But as long as SS9's parents don't truly see the light and make some real changes proposed to them by everyone, they'll continue to have all of these problems. It's really too bad, but it's what I have to do to save my marriage, keep my good health, and most importantly have a good environment with my bios.
SS9 now lives all week with BM likes he's always wanted, and we suffer through weekends with him. But that's much better than the old 50/50 arrangement. DH didn't like this change at first, but he seems to be happier every day, and we're having fun together. I completely avoid mentioning SS9 unless it's completely necessary, and it's worked so far. Hopefully he can fully see soon that SS9 has always wanted to live with BM full-time, and has made sure to do everything at our house to show that. BM said during therapy that SS9 is doing much better now that he's there all of the time, and I say GOOD!
At some point soon, his crime spree amongst my family is going to spread to the community and his school, and they won't have me to blame. At least I know that I've done everything that I can do. Good riddance.
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I never attended therapy with
I never attended therapy with SD11 but I figured out pretty quickly that FDH and BM were not telling the counselor the full story about her. It was all sugar coated. I think it might be important to mention that she throws tantrums like a 2-year old when asked to do anything other than eat or be on the computer.
I bet that felt good.
How horrible that you have so
How horrible that you have so many years left until he is no longer a minor. Hopefully he will get enough help to change.
But don't count on it. You can hope that at some point he will realize that there are better ways to cope than acting out. But for some people it is not acting out - it is just how they are wired.
It did feel VERY good that
It did feel VERY good that everyone knows the truth, and they were very happy for that. I appreciated that, and I would be involved in solutions if DH and BM would get off of their own arses and get things done. The last therapist even told both that they need to spearhead the changes everywhere and be more involved in the whole process. Of course they told him "oh yea, we agree", but it's the same old thing now. Tha's always how it ends up. My feeling? If you cannot do the right thing for your own biokid, how can you expect me to do so without support from both of you? DH gets that part now, but that's about it.
It's just good that the therapy/caseworker group knows the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and hopefully they can help his parents see the light someday. But I definitely won't be holding my breath; I am a realist after all.
Good for you! It must've
Good for you! It must've felt like a weight being lifted. As you said, it's up to dh, bm and the counselors now.
Yes it is definitely up to
Yes it is definitely up to them. And I do feel much better now that I was heard, and DH and BM could only listen and admit that it was all true. It just always amazes me how some parents can purposefully be in complete denial about their emotionally disturbed aka spoiled kid. His behavior is a direct result of their (lack of) parenting, but in just a few years, he'll have to make a decision on who he wants to be. If he continues on his path, then it doesn't look good.
Thanks for the support from everyone here. It's SO nice to have a place to vent.
Finally, the information is
Finally, the information is out and no one can sugar coat it anymore.
Plus, the therapists might actually have the information they need to help, the main difference of a oppositional defiant disorder and conduct disorder is the breaking of laws so you may have really opened their eyes. I hope it makes a difference in the end and bravo to you for setting and maintaining your own boundaries.
Oh, it always amazes me the amount of denial in the bio parents with emotionally disturbed kids, my own FDH included.
I absolutely agree. I hope
I absolutely agree. I hope the counseling group does what they're supposed to do, even if that means other officials getting involved. I've always told DH that if he and DH don't take care of it very soon, the state will take care of it for them. But at this point, I don't think they'll get it until that happens unfortunately. I hope that I'm wrong on that, but recent history isn't showing anything different. I'm just going to do everything that I can to make sure that whatever happens doesn't happen to me or my kids, and I have no problem reporting him if I feel that he could hurt himself or others. I've made that very clear.
Thanks Love51:)