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DF put me in my place this weekend.

SteppingUp's picture

On Friday BM dropped off the skids and she also gave us SS3's old car seat. DF brought it inside and said that BM thought we could use it for the new baby. We both were a little dumbfounded at her sudden generosity and thoughtfulness. The car seat is in great shape. She had the information packet still attached underneath the seat so I opened it up to read it (I was going to check the model number to make sure it's not recalled or anything). It is an infant-toddler seat that says you can't use it until the baby is 1 year old. So I told DF about that, and then said we obviously didn't need it then because we still have the one that SS3 uses that is a 1-toddler aged seat. DF suggested we either just give it back to BM or sell it on Craigslist.

On Saturday, I was in the bathroom cleaning and DF came in and said, "Did you hear what SD5 just said? She said that BM wants to hold the baby." I was quiet for a second, then I blurted out (only to him), "Yeah probably trying to give me a taste of my own medicine to see what it feels like to have your child in someone's care that you don't like."

DF said, "Jeez SteppingUp! I feel like she's really trying to make an effort here and you keep shutting her down!"

I said, "After everything you and BM have been through in the last 5 years, I have a hard time trusting her intentions. And every time I set myself up to have a good expectation of her or to trust her intentions, she destroys it again. I would never say these things to her, just to you."

He got quiet and the subject was dropped but it really made me think. Am I too hard on her? I know I have my own demons and should just shut my mouth sometimes instead of saying things out loud, but DF and I say everything to each other and I've never held anything back that's on my mind with him. Now I'm starting to feel guilty for all the venting I do on StepTalk...but I just can't bring myself to trust her intentions yet.

Possibly BM's extending an olive branch...and I'll take it if it continues to seem genuine.

Comments

WHERESMYWART's picture

I have thought so many times that me and BM were going to be able to get along. This woman has called my phone and told me how much she loved me for taking care of her kids and everything I have done for her and then the next minute, I am the biggest bit** in the world. It didn't work for me but maybe it will work for you. Who knows.... maybe she is trying to put a happy face on for the Stepkids so they will not think she has any hard feelings against the baby. Now, if my XH was to have a baby, I was be estatic for him. He held my baby when she was a baby and my daughter loves him to death. She always begs to go home with him. My SS11 has spent the weekend with him and BS10 before. I guess it just depends on the situation and the type of person BM is. I tried really hard to give BM benefit of the doubt and not believe all the stories I had heard about her but I quickly learned the truth even if it was a little too late.

I do not think she would do anything to hurt your baby in any way because she would not want to see her own children hurt. Or at least that is how I would feel regarding my children's new brother or sister. I don't believe in halves because I have four half brothers and sisters and love each and every one of them no different than I would if we all had the same mother and father. I would keep the carseat though, you may end up needing it for whatever reason. A backup carseat always came in handy around here. It was nice to have one in DH's vehicle and mine. And the baby will prolly be in it before you know it.

Dont ever feel guilty about your postings here. This is where we all come in hopes of letting off some steam and getting much needed support our advice. At least by posting here, you are not taking it out on SK's, DH, or BM.

pastepmomof3's picture

It's hard to not be critical of XW/BM's intentions, especially when you've been burnt before. I encountered a similar situation where DH and XW were discussing the weekend trip we were planning to take and she had offered some advice. When DH relayed the message, my response was, "yeah right - thanks but no thanks for your input." He was kind of salty towards me for a bit but he got over it and I wound up using one of the suggestions anyways. Sometimes we need to swallow our own pride to accept the olive branch, no matter if it's a twig or the whole limb.

As far as the car seat goes, i agree with WMW - keep it because you never know when you'll need it.

And don't worry about venting here...this is a safe haven.

Ingrid's picture

One game I've watched.
The BM acts like she is extending friendship and generosity to fool the children into thinking she is human.

Fake it till you make it! The kids are watching you too.

I am for keeping some distance between BM and myself because when karma rolls around and hits her, I don't want to get any of it on me.

SteppingUp's picture

Thank you all so much for your input - it makes me feel a lot better to know that I'm not just a raging BI***!!!

Another reason why I feel how I do is because from the start I've recognized BM's manipulation of DF. When he talks about their relationship, he always says how it'd be terrible for days/weeks, then one day everything would turn around and be nice so it'd make him stay. That's how she operates -- but her one day of generosity and kindness doesn't fool me into beleiving that things are CHANGING for the better...just that she had an actual "human" moment at least and to just take it for that (and only that -- a MOMENT).

purpledaisies's picture

Um no do not trust! Might rethink before you speak sometimes but do not trust! I know with my bm with all the crap she has put me and y son through I'll never talk to her again. This woman is always up to something.