Deep breaths!
Shes crazy. You clearly were just trying to inform her on some stuff thats taking place, for her to make a decision about visitation in her response is rediculous. You probably should've just left it at the first message and not kept responding.

Also in the future have a set plan...so you can write "H and I think itd be best if..." instead of interjecting what seems like your opinion, its a combine dfront as it is in your house.

You probably won't like my answer. Just fair warning. And this is coming from a SM who had a skid in the home who wasn't the bio kid of me or DH.

YES, I think you pushed too far. BM sounds very nice and respectful to you, and sounds like she nailed you on the head.
You ARE trying to push SD6 out because she's not FDH's bio. You've stated that on here, and said it's because SD should be with her "real dad." I think BM eloquently stated the facts...your FDH fought for SD when they split up, and the only reason there's an issue now is because of you and the new baby.
If it's too busy and crazy for you going into your wedding, why are you only too busy for SD and NOT SS? I think BM called you out when she said she'd keep both of them.

Your FDH needs to be handling this. This is between him and BM, and the arrangements in your home are between FDH and you.

Back off from all of this. I agree with her that all communication should be between them. It is up to the Bio Dad of the 6 year old to force the BM to let him be the "Dad". Just leave all communication to the Bio's.

I think she is nuts given how she has handled the entire thing and you don't want to feed into it. Your DH will have to step up and communicate with her.

First I would make it very clear to my dh that he needs to start stepping away for sd6 period it is confusing the poor girl. I would also not email the bm anymore and make dh do it. Or both of you sit down and do it together with his name in it.

I would also tell my dh that he is not responsible for sd6 and she has a dad and he needs to start remembering that. Especially as bm jumps on it at every chance she gets to remind you that you are not her mom nor ss3 mom.

I would also use that as ammo when dh does the same, see if doesn;t feels so great does it?

You guys have got to stop taking sd6 she can't be going back and forth all the time to so many house holds. and your dh needs to start making it clear with bm that only ss3 is his and he will only take ss3 and if she wants to withhold him if sd6 can't come then you will see her in court. It has to be ripped off like a band aid to the bm! Trying to do it slowing is causing more harm then good for sd6.

Ok I said what I said for what I would do. And yes I would do the very same thing she is doing. She is not his kid and she is only 6 she will be fine. She needs to get to know her dad and going between as many house holds as she does is NOT healthy! I'm sure she is confused even if she doesn't show it. There are things that she doesn't quite get as she is only 6.

It is not fair for her fdh to expect her to accept a child that is not his it is hard enough to be a step parent to the kids that are his let alone to a child that is not his.

I do think that he needs to take ops feeling into account as he is MARRYING her! And her feeling are that she really doesn't want to be a step mom to a child that is not his!

I don't think you should be initiating communication at all with BM regarding parenting time. That should be left between FDH and BM, even if you do end up caring for the child. Who cares for the child in your home is between you and FDH. It doesn't seem fair, but nothing about step-parenting is fair. Just the way it is. I know how frustrating it can be to have the responsibility but none of the authority. We're just along for the ride.

Well the fact is that this man did not walk away but asked her to marry him then he needs to take her feeling into concentration.

you can disagree all you want but the face is that he did not walk but asked her to be his wife. His choice not yours.

Hun, I've read your blogs before, and every time I do I 1) thank God I'm not in your shoes, 2) wonder what the hell I would do if I was. I'm so sorry. Actually, I think you've handled the overall situation very well. In this case I do think BM comes off sounding pretty polite and sane, and you come off a bit abrasive. Mind you, understanding the context, I don't blame you.

Though FDH has been busy, it would probably have been best to let him handle this interaction with BM. Or, if you simply wanted to let her know that his schedule was changing, you could have given her just a heads up to contact FDH because his schedule might change the next week. Then she knows about a potential schedule-change without it being short-notice, but the onus is not on you to work out the specifics of who is coming for the next week.

I wish my BM was this understanding... She tried to help you out by taking both kids... When you got snippy she wants to deal with FDH... I think your seeing issues that aren't here & I think she's right you don't want SD because she's not his.

Ok I'm a little late joining the conversation but I just have to tell you I understand how you feel. I can sympathize. My DH never feels the need to settle things right away. He lives for the moment whereas I'm a planner and like to know what my schedule looks like. Plus I don't think it's fair for a child to be wondering where they are going to be each night...talk about anxiety. He;s famous for saying "I'll call her later, we'll figure it out." Meanwhile I'm wondering what the heck's going on...I feel your pain.

"BM's response:

I’ll just keep both the kids during the week until you guys figure things out. Thx."

Its important to know when to end the conversation and let her have the last word. She gave you an exit plan and you should have used it to your advantage.

Stop, Look, Listen and think before you respond to her in the future. BM will always turn it into an issue about her child and try to make you feel guilty. She should be grateful that she has a built in babysitter for her child whenever she needs one.

You're taking the high road! I guess all I have to say is: NOBODY understands a situation until they're actually in it. Like helenea_brass said, read your previous blogs and people will understand. This little girl is going to almost 6 households, sometimes all within a few weeks! How is that ok?? Yes, I understand FH helped raise her, but like someone else said, act like an aunt and uncle, or someone who's "like a dad" instead of pinning on him that he's the "father." It's interesting how these women want to pin that on these men, yet when it comes down to school activities, sports, and events, your FH can't be there because her birth dad is there. So it's a convienence thing for BM and she needs to start putting her KIDS first, not herself.

UGHHH, I feel for you Steppingup-being in a similar situation myself. I completely agree with your and dh's approach-that it should be you guys moving OUT of visitation with her and just maintain a more casual relationship, like that of uncle/aunt, see you guys on special ocassions -and let the bonding w/the biodad take place w/out the confusion/interruption you guys would present. I COMPLETELY disagree with Oi Vey here....it sounds ridiculous to me that just because it's obvious mom doesn't give a shit and wants her free time-the child and bio dad should be penalized and the kid bounced around 4 different homes-and an overwhelmed new mom take on free babysitting---just so she can have 15 parents that love her-might as well become mormon or live in a commune.

You guys can STILL be in her life, have a relationship-like my brother does with my kids or special family friends have w/kids they feel affection for.

Oi Vey you don't make any sense at all-just bcuz kids need love doesn't mean I send them to 4 houses every week so they can bond, have a dozen parental figures.

She has MOM, she has DAD, this is REALLY all abous BM's convenience and not about the kid.

He is NOT the father-he is NO LONGER th SEPFATHER! His role NOW is of adult male role model and someone who was influential earlier in life and can continue but the visitation thing is nuts. I think any court/counselor would agree. You have all taken your time slowly to introduce the idea of biodad and slowly pulled away from visits-you've done it right up to now.

NOW the girl has tbe biodad stepping up, payign support-she knows that...the added visiation is becoming cluster fuck. How can any sane person not see this is beyond comprehension.

How can any sane person think that its not confusing or stressful for a child to be at 3-4 different homes each week! Kids need routine, stability and positive role models in their life-they dont' have to seem them daily. My sons feel shaken and confused a bit just from EOW visitation-it takes a min to acclimate back to their routine at home or warm up to their dad. She's doing this 3-4 times a WEEK! What a selfish bitch that woman is! How is this best for the kid???

ANd Steppingup has RIGHT to feel the way she does about having someone who isn't her DH's child in the house-particularly if the child has the biodad involved and active in their life. AND they are left out of the "REAL DAD" things- They (DH and OP) are nothing but a convenient free babysitter for BM-this is damaging to everyone involved!!!!

Personally I'd rip the bandaid-and stop the visitation overnights completely and give her time to bond w/her biodad more. See her during drop offs/pick ups/special ocassions...that's it. That's just me though.