Back burner
I've been in my skids life for just under 10 years. They were 9 and 11 when I met their mother. Bio-dad was there but never did much. I did the running, school activities, paying, you all know the deal. The kids are now 19 and 21 and they were home for the summer. The boy (21) came home from the Air Force and just took over the house. Laid around all day, wouldn't pick up a dish to save his life and "took" his mom. It was like I didn't excist for those few weeks. Until he had to pack up and leave, than I get the calls/texts etc. The girl (19) moved back into college, the entire time she was home it felt like I was an ATM or Uber. After we moved her into her dorm, again, was like I didn't excist. Anytime I tried to help unpack or give advice, SD and her mom would just snap. I ended up just shutting down and I've been like this for 2 weeks. I haven't heard from either kid and the only time I do is for money or food. There mom keeps saying "they're just kids." Yea ok, I get that but am I am ass for wanting a "thank you" or maybe even a hug? Bio-dad does absolutely nothing and has 2 skids of his own now but constantly reminds me that I'm not a parent, technically im not even a step parent. We've been engaged 9 years and I just don't see it happening. I don't even feel like im at home anymore, just renting a bed space.
hopefully rambling here will ease some pressure cause I can't talk to the fiancé about this kind of stuff.
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Welcome to SF life
As they say " The writing on the wall". They think of you as a Uber with an ATM, it's all about them. What you can do for them,
wake up, cut the $$$. And Uber help. It's going to be hard but do it. There are not your kids, there no reason the BF can't do, or if the BF doesn't want to do it just doesn't get done.
Disengage
I will say the 2 things that StepTalkers usually say: 1) disengage and 2) it's a fiance problem. I do have to say that kids this age, including myself back in the day, are self-centered and seldom think of their impact on other family members.
The good news is that these kids are on their way to being launched, him in the service and her at college. So, it's time to focus on your relationship with your fiance. The most disturbing thing was reading that youve been shut down for 2 weeks. Do you want to stay in this relationship? If so, do what my counselor advised so many years ago, spend more time with her. It shouldn't be a problem having one-on-one time with her.
It's irritating when we turn ourselves inside out helping the SKs and dont even get a thanks but it's fairly normal. Hopefully as they mature, they will act better.
Your fiance is probably sensitive to criticism like all parents but perhaps you could phrase it as "I worry about SK. He/she seldom thanks anybody when they do favors. I worry that they will turn off a professor/ officer/ employer"
Good luck.
1. No more money to the steps
1. No more money to the steps if there's no thank yous and no gratitude. Life lesson.
2. They are not kids any longer but young adults. If your partner doesn't understand this and uses that excuse then tell her this.
3. If your partner continues with the lack of support for you there will be no relationship any longer. We think you are aware of this.
9 Years
Don't waste any more of your life. You sound like a kind and decent man that was duped out of a family. Does your girlfriend work?
You have been trying for nearly a decade; perhaps it is time to try something different. Quit being the ATM and uber driver. See what happens and then react accordingly.
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Id be concerned about the relationship. 9 years "engaged". You are the outsider in your relationship. Time for a sit-down heart to heart. But first really take some time to connect yourself to what you want for your future. This seems like its more than "I need a thank you and Im not getting it". Im sure theres more to your story.
Cut off the money supply and disengage. If they cannot thank you, they dont get to have you. Period. Thats what I did with my skids.