Tone Deaf, Continued
Yesterday, 24 hours after our most recent marriage counseling (MC) session where he teared up telling the MC how much he loves me, how he would give anything to win my heart back, and how he would do anything for me - DH rudely sniped at me... in a store where he was looking for parts for his latest obsession (=not as expensive as the midlife crisis extravaganza, but outdoors/ backpacking/ survival hobby/SHTF prep with hi-end REI-type purchases). I was looking at cool camping stuff in the isle where his items should have been (but he couldn't find, even though their website said it was In Stock), and did a couple of, "check this [cool camping accessory] out, isn't it awesome?" comments.
Instead of telling me something like, "hold on, give me a minute, I'm having trouble finding the specific item in this isle," he insulted the item I was showing him and complained something about me constantly talking & demanding his attention. As if! So I walked away & rejoined him on the way out to the car.
I was angry & hurt at being spoken to like that. Hurt my feelings; I'm a grown-*ss woman & your partner, dude. He doubled down when we got home. Instead if apologising, he said he hadn't done anything wrong. Raiised his voice ("This isn't yelling! You haven't SEEN yelling!" while I shut the windows so the neighbs don't have to hear) about how I should have known he was on a mission, how I should toughen up & get thicker skin (I told him I'm gonna coat myself with Teflon), how I "always" get my feelings hurt, etc. Blame-shifting DARVO 101. Gaslighting. "Always/Never" accusations that when I ask for examples, he doesn't have one.
He also accused me of "painting a picture" to our MC to make DH look bad. NOT TRUE!! I'd shared about my recent dream & how I've been wearing my old retainers at night (stress = grinding my teeth while sleeping). How I didn't know how to trust DH after the financial infidelity Midlife Crisis marriage-killing episode two years ago. How I love him but also have a lot of anxiety over his anger and money issues. REAL stuff, not "impression management" tale-telling. 100% pure projection, DH. Accuse me of what YOU do.
So I left without another word & went to a local park to NOT be around DH, NOT hear him say even worse things as he continued to escalate. I've done this many times, using a beach-blanket I keep in my vehicle. Made some phone calls, sent some emails, read some news, watched people walk dogs/ride bikes/fly kites (it was beautiful outside!).
Came home a few hours later & DH's tone had changed. He greeted me, apologized, sorry for hurting my feelings, etc. Was subdued but polite, loves me, etc. He tried the Cool Distance thing for the rest of the evening, but after we got into bed & we listened to two podcast episodes on "Forgiveness," he started talking/ justifying/ explaining... he talked until after midnight. I mostly just listened.
Topics included: his his FOO never respected him ever since childhood, how I don't trust him, how I don't let him be the financial lead (damn straight skippy), how it feels like we're getting further apart, how I'll likely be getting a new job/raise in the near future and will likely leave him because I don't need him (I interjected that I NEVER needed him financially -rented this house BEFORE him & got raises every year since; he clarified he meant needing him to buy a house...), how I don't trust him. How I should be spending my money. How he's willing to cash-out his retirement account ($20k after penalties/early withdrawal tax, he found out) to buy a house to "make me happy," how YES WE CAN afford a house right now (with no down-payment or his $20k "Now StepUltimate = Retirement Plan,"), etc. At least twice he mentioned me probably leaving him, how I'm not changing, how I'm not happy. How he'll do anything to make me happy.
It. Was. Exhausting. DH still sleeping as I type; 9:15am on a beautiful Saturday morning.
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Comments
You don't need him,
You don't need him, financially, but he does need you. Of course, he's terrified of you leaving him.
This cycle is just going to repeat, repeat, repeat.
There is no way that I would tie myself to him, financially, by buying a house with him. And him cashing out his retirement to make you happy? He will NEVER let you live that down and will use that against you if you ever do decide to leave him. He will put guilt trips on you like you have never heard before.
It's not you that he wants to make happy.
Hun, sounds so exhausting for
Hun, sounds so exhausting for you. I'm exhausted reading this blog and your past blogs. This will never end. It will just continue. You can't go to so many marriage counsellors and expect a different result at this time. He is who he is. Is he who you want to spend the rest of your life with? We all know the answer is no, including you. Cut it off now before you lose more, a lot more.
Sending hugs and supportive
Sending hugs and supportive vibes, girl.
I think if you were able to be away from your H for a while, even just a week or two, you'd start feeling stronger. Sometimes we need a little change in order to gain perspective and shake off the apathy. Business/training conference? Sick relative or college roommate with cancer? Living with your H sounds so exhausting, no wonder you're having difficulty finding the strength to pull the rip cord.
Furbabies
I definitely need a break, thank you. Only thing holding me back is our ancient furbabies, who depend on me. One is nearly blind; now I'm HIS protector. DH is good to them, but doesn't wake up when they need to go outside in the middle of the night (oldsters no longer able to go thru the night).
They definitely feel the stress, too.
Oof, I just got flashbacks to
Oof, I just got flashbacks to my XH as we were splitting. The last time I spoke with him about our relationship, he shushed me. I promptly walked out of the restaurant we were at, got in my car, and drove off. He called me and begged me to talk to him, and I told him off.
I don't even know what these people think when they behave this way. I remember telling my XH explicitly what I needed and begging him to tell me what he needed, and all I got was no change and I-don't-knows. It wasn't until after I left that he was making promises similar to what your DH is promising. Grand gestures, tears, crying. No care about when I was doing it myself trying to save the marriage, but once I had nothing left to give, that's when he needed me to give a little more because he finally saw how serious I was.
Your DH is an idiot. This isn't rocket science. It's hard, but not a puzzle. He wants the perks without the work, and you'll be the bad guy when you finally have enough.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you're much stronger than he sees, and he'll eat his words once he realizes it's too late.
you're much stronger than he
you're much stronger than he sees
Or, he knows how strong OP can be be (if she so desires) but doesn't want HER to realize it. He knows that without the apologies and love bombing, she will dig deep and bring that strength out.
But again, the cycle will just keep repeating. More of her time and energy will be wasted. But, he will get what he wants, which is for her to stay with him. He doesn't care why. Guilt, hope, fear of being alone, doesn't matter to him.
That's my XH as well. All my
That's my XH as well. All my tears and begging didn't matter. Once I had enough, his tears and begging meant nothing to me. He'd beg to "talk," he made exaggerated promises, bought me gifts, then argued with me. Argued about arguing.
Exhausting.
Marriage counseling isn't
Marriage counseling isn't going to work if DH only brings his love-bombing personality to counseling sessions and leaves his narc asshole personality at home. I find it telling that even when he knows he needs you (financially and otherwise) more than you need him, he can't maintain his good behavior and keep the narc asshole hidden for more than 24 hours. You're right not to trust him, and there is no way I would buy a house with him or financially entangle myself with him any further. Stay strong.
Thank You STers
Thank you all; so many accurate comments.
Very painful when the heart & mind are a million miles apart. The mind is quick & knows this isn't working; my heart is slow to catch up because I love this person. The person he held himself out to be, when he was mirroring me back before I knew about his Future-Faking, Covert Narc, Guilty Divorce Daddee, and Spend-A-Holic tendencies.
Beyond my heart, the rest of my body is Team Brain. Because the seemingly covert narc elements are SUCH a complete turn-off.
Yes, exhausted. Exhausting.
You said it, yourself, he is
You said it, yourself, he is not who he portrayed himself to be. He is not who you thought you fell in love with. Your brain knows this. Deep down, your heart does to.
He’s Verbally and Emotionally Abusive
Counseling can't help that. Discretely hit video record during his next mantrum. Then just put the phone down face down and let it capture him in his reality, not the show he puts on in counseling. Make an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in abuse and let them hear it. You'll get whatever validation you need to leave him.
Update: Same Sh*t, Diff Day
Just like yesterday, I left the house just now to get away from him angrily accusing me. I'm supposed to forgive & trust, help him pay his debt, let him be the financial lead, etc. DH (yes, D*ck-Head).
Going to re-read all your comments, then some Psalms, and go home after he leaves for work (hour and a half). And text my old counselor to request an appointment.
I can't even type out everything he said/yelled, nothing new anyway. Summary: I'm The Problem. He told me I need counseling, not him (I agreed with the 1st part).
He is not going to change
I'm sorry, but he's not going to change. He's lying to the MC so the sessions are a complete waste of time. Plus all the extravagant promises when he sees that he's pushed you too far are another red flag. And add in there the nonsense about his financially inept self being the "financial lead/head of the house".
You would be better off leaving with your fur babies. I'm sure you'll find that you are better off financially without him and can invest in some doggie daycare help if you are worried about them while you are at work.