Major Meltdown over niece's bday
Again I want to thank everyone for their help on this situation. Me and my family's concern is for the welfare and love for my niece and nephew. Unfortunate circumstances brought on by my older brother but will make the best of it to show that they are loved and supported. Now to this dilema....
In two weeks my niece will be celebrating her birthday. My mom and dad wants to have a big celebration at their house. Of course her dad would be there, but my parents told him, and me and my wife agrees, that to prevent any drama or confrontation, not to bring his wife and her daughter. My parents wants this day to be about their oldest granddaughter and a big milestone in her life, not deal with uneasy tension and anger. Again I'm 100% for this!
My brother's response initially was not good. He says that she is family and his daughter needs to accept her and not run away from her. I had to remind him, AGAIN, that their actions is the reason she's barely speaks to him and won't speak to her. We don't want my nieces party ruined by this. I told my brother...you need to work on rebuilding a relationship with his oldest daughter because if not...she's gone for good. Also I reminded him that eventually his son will find out too. He needs to rebuild trust with his kids...whether they accept his wife (and unborn child) or not. I told him to get his head out of his backside!
His wife's response was not good...she went and ripped me saying "why are you shunning me! what did I do to you?! I'm being punished for loving and marrying your brother!" She went to say that we are also shunning her daughter too. Which is not true...we have accepted her and loved her because she is innocent and did nothing. My response is that I'm with my niece on this and sorry that you feel that way but she has to see what she did and how it affects her and quit playing the martyr.
So as far as I know...my brother will be there without his new wife. I also told him he needs to setup counseling for him and his kids ASAP. As far as his new wife (sorry I dont consider her a sister-in-law) she won't be there.
Just be honest...am i handling this right...im doing this for my nephew and niece.
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Goodtimes, My niece avoids
Goodtimes, My niece avoids his dad's wife like the plague. Whenever she comes to a family event anywhere she doesn't acknowledge her exisitence, goes to another room or leave completely. So from past experience she doesn't want her in her world. My advice to him is to ask for forgiveness for what he did to her family, say sorry for what he has done recently in trying to force his wife down her throat and rebuild a relationship with her again through counseling one on one (possible with his son included.) It may be a lopsided one but if it does so be it.
As far as his wife...me and my wife (won't speak for my parents in this case) we told her she needs to back off...period! She want nothing to do with you cause of what you and her dad have done. When my niece is ready...if ever...she will come to you. I also told her to appologize and say you're sorry for what happened. Take some responsibility and realize that she more than likely not have a relationship with you or your daughter or newborn (which I honestly find unfortunate because her little girl and the new baby are innocent but again...it is what it is.)
I've told them we are backing off in this situation...they know what they need to do to reconcile it in anyway.
In the future, your family
In the future, your family shouldn't tell your brother about these types of parties. You all love your niece. You should. You all love your brother. You should. But they need to remain separate. She doesn't want anything to do with your brother or his "wife." Don't tell him about these events. And don't tell your niece about when you see your brother. Just keep them separate until your niece has indicated to you all that she's reached out to your brother.
Or just do a girls night out with you, niece, your mom and sisters/sisters in law (if you have any, and your brothers "wife" doesn't count).
Your brother and his wife need to understand that they cannot control others feelings and grieving processes. Niece is grieving the loss of her family unit. This wife needs to accept that sd may never warm to her. In short, these two philanderers need to understand that actions have consequences.
ETA: "His wife's response was not good...she went and ripped me saying "why are you shunning me! what did I do to you?! I'm being punished for loving and marrying your brother!""
She didn't do anything to your family but contributing to the demise of someone's marriage? The demise of that marriage impacted a lot of people. She needs to understand that her actions impact others, just like ours do.