An apology to new members....
I read someone post that "advice is scarce around here"... unless it has to do with drama, etc.
I know for myself, I haven't been able to post too much advice lately.
I've been able to post on the "fun" blogs. And even jumped in on one or two of the "hot topic" blogs.
But I have to say, that my head is just hurting and I don't feel like I can contribute too much or too objectively right now.
I'm swimming in stress over here. So I am having a hard time "contributing".
sorry!
- Stick's blog
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Comments
funny u should say that Stick....
I read the same post that said something about unless u are in the "in" crowd or its drama?...who exactly is the in crowd around here?..LOL...I'd love to know.....I don't offer much advice anymore, as in my case, I have tried in the past and it doesn't seem to really be what peeps r lookin for...but I do PM if I think I can help someone
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....
Who is this "in crowd"?
Where are they?? Can I join? I wanna be popular too!
Seriously...whoever is bitching about an incrowd has some serious "look at ME!!" issues. Sometimes there are 10 new posts at once and we don't always have time to look at each one especially the ones that I have to scroll down several times just to finish the story...break it down a little bit more and I'd be more inclined to scan and try to help. OR the trouble with new members is they tend to post in other parts of the site instead of the main blog page and I don't see half the stuff they're posting...I don't look in the separate forums only the main homepage. From what I can see the negative posts ALWAYS get the most attention...or the fun posts It is what it is.. I've been a member for a little while and I have MANY blogs that only get like 2 responses...then I have blogs that get 50 responses. It's not the amount of responses you get that matters, newbies...it's the quality of advice contained in those responses. Wanting more attention and bitching about the "in crowd" is pointless...you seriously want 80 women posting on your blog giving you 80 different responses from 80 different minds and ways of thinking???? Personally...I'd rather not have that much attention! Give me a few good,sound,logical responses and I'll be ok 
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
And furthermore...*dragging my soapbox out*
Half the time the people complaining about getting no help or responses are the ones who just want someone to agree that they're feeling the right things or reacting in the right ways. Like Stick said to me in a previous blog of mine,"the hear me roar" thing isn't always a responsible answer for a poster.
A good percentage of the time the "old timers" get blasted for giving REAL advice instead of a pat on the back and a "you poor thing" The real advice isn't wanted half the time...if we give real advice to new members they seem to take it wrong and think we're being snooty or "rainbows n butterflies". It's all very frustrating to determine who just wants a pity party w/ commiseration from members and who wants good,sound advice and opinions.
For me...I try to comment on most things but sometimes I simply can't tell if they want my advice or my pity...I can't always give either so why try to fake it?
*draggin soapbox away...*
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
wow....LOL
I am TOTALLY giving u my magic wand......LOL....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....
I sometimes hesitate to give advice to new members
A year plus ago a new member vented about her hate for the BM in her life, she admittedly was obsessed with her and resented her SK but could easily cover all that up in front of said SK. She also had expressed something about how perhaps she should get divorced after a few WEEKS of marriage. (This is a while back so forgive me if this is a combo of two different posts and I'm mixing them up in my memory.)
At the end she put the words "HELP!"
I mistook that for her sincerely wanting help.
I posted a very brief response about how she probably was not hiding her feelings as well as she thought she was, and as much anger as she expressed might mean she needed to talk to a counselor. That the anger and resentment were not only unhealthy for the SK to feel, but for the SM's own health.
She snapped back that she thought this was a site for support of venting and she "guessed I was WRONG- it's for JUDGMENT!" A bunch of my friends on here jumped in to tell her that I am the last to judge and often defended others being judged, and I posted an apology, that I misunderstood her "Help!" for wanting advice not just support, and that with her being new I should have just said a welcome and I know how you feel.
She never acknowledged me, and as far as I can recall she left.
I am on here often, but it's hard to connect with everyone, and some people the connections are instantaneous like kindred spirits, and with others we just clash in philosophy. But even in those circumstances, I was able to maintain a positive interaction with most posters on here. Respectfully agreeing to disagree with people who think and write nothing like me.
Til lately. I think I just get so frustrated when people complain about the site, or come on with the attitude they are sent to enlighten us in our selfish petty self inflicted pain. In my opinion, if you're new you should try hard to make connections and get to know someone before jumping in with your version of their life and what they are doing wrong with it. I also think that hearing tough love from a SM who on site has shared their own struggles, been here a while and opened up to allow themselves to be vulnerable on here, THEN got to a better place, is much better received than from a BM/SM who has never expressed in detail on site all her struggles. It just doesn't come across as authentic, and the advice is often given in a "holier than thou" authoritative way. When I give advice as a BM...I am very careful to express it as my EMOTIONAL experience as a BM, not my "I am BM hear me roar" way as someone described above.
Heck! Even if you're NOT a new member,giving advice should be done in small doses, so a SM new to the site can warm up to receiving it. By the time most SMs post here, they've been thru hell with no good source of support and may be prone to reading disapproval into the gentlest of tough love. Also, sometimes I am so out of the loop as to who is new I miss their posts (especially like you said Stick if they're not in the Blog format.) And one more thing about newbies-I swear some new people have similar names to people who were here a year or two ago and I get confused as to who is new. I go to their bios and think "member for 24 hours? Member for 7 days 3 hours? Hmmmm....I thought I read/saw that screenname before."
And if I think a member (new or longtime) is off in their perceptions of the world Step or otherwise, I won't respond at all because I don't think I have anything to offer them and don't want to come off on a high horse. The only topic I most always step onto a soap box for is this very one, people coming here just to stir a pot and poke fun at the site. I do agree that if we didn't take their bait, they would lose interest and go away. That kinda reminds me of the BMs we allow to occupy time in our heads too much thing. Yes we do. Most of us are aware of that and working on it. Some are aware of that and don't care to work on it. But this is not a warm fuzzy site for most of us. It is a place to speak the unspeakable as SMs and SFs and not be judged.
Ahem...*dusting off shoulders*
Clearly I have intimidated all the other new members with my obvious knack for evoking responses.
I will, however, do the charitable thing and share the wealth.
(And yes... I agree with you below. I give advice, but I can't enable. So if I feel like someone on this forum or others wants to be enabled... "oh... you poor widdle ting. Nooooo your DH shouldn't get mad at ALL about you calling BM to cancel his visitation without telling him. What a dolt!"... then I just skip it.
Sometimes I legitimately miss people in need though. Either because they write too much and my ADD kicks in or because they get lost in a sea of other posts. I'm easily swayed by reality tv talk and recipe swaps from the discussion at hand.
Nice observation.
Cliques are often formed on forums... it's just part of the deal.
As far as advising.. that's neither here nor there. As the host of a blog, you put it out there and can only hope that a response is made.
I am full of sh*t... I mean advice... these days.
Only because I've come to a point that I'm tapered in my own life and I am able to reflect and share. That has evrything to do with me and nothing to do with others who may or may not be looking for the few lines I drop.
You're all right, Stick. Quit feeling guilty about all the woes of those around you. Start taking care of Stick, and the rest will all fall into place.
I promise.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
It's not just the "woes" around me...
Although I know that lately my head is completely up my ass, pretty much.
It's that I am questioning what I mean when I write vs. how what I write is perceived.
And as stupid as it could sound, I can't handle some bad feedback right now. Surprisingly, a small disagreement or remark has hurt me more than it should and more than I care for it to.
I know I'm wayyyy oversensitive right now. So while I truly feel empathy for some of these women on here that aren't getting support... I guess I am "taking care of Stick" right now.. and that's by only participating in the fun / dumb stuff.
I just wanted "newbies" to know... We aren't all callous. There's other reasons why we might not respond!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I'll take your "sh*tty" advice any day!
I don't know, but I've only
I don't know, but I've only been a member here for one day and I feelso much better about my situation. It is what it is: A Place For Stepparents To Vent. It's nice to know that there are other people who share my pain, frustration....even joy, sometimes. I guess I just want to say thanks to all the people who listen to my ranting and leave messages of hope, opinions, advice, personal experience or WHATEVER! This place makes my day better
________________________________________________________________________
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov
And NotTheRealMom... I think you'll come to find...
That when you "hit the wall" as I feel I have recently.... to be able to come here and just "have fun" with some silliness.... makes the day better too!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I'm new. However, I belong
I'm new. However, I belong to another forum and have been a regular poster there for 7 years. I guess you can say that I am in the "in" crowd there. There's nothing wrong with having one.
People have to pay their dues basically and shouldn't expect to have the comraderie as some of the others that have been here a while. Its called getting to know one another. If they're getting irritated so easily chances are they are as spoiled as the skids they are complaining about.
Don't take everything so personally. You can't please everyone all the time. Its not even worth trying. If we're here, we have enough problems IRL. We don't need to shoulder someone else's discontent.
Welcome and....
Now THAT's the way to give input when you're getting to know people!
I really enjoyed this- thanks so much for commenting. I know when I started there was a ton of drama when a BM and SM both of the same exH/DH were here. I believe SM came first, and BM followed. It was so hard to speak up, because everyone was so easily offended.
I commend your bravery, and your well thought response.
Well, now Steve..
Are you "dating" yourself? or is that something you heard when you were a wee boy?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Not unless they are passed out face down on the floor!
And then it's NOT a good thing!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Ha ha ha :)
You always have a way with words, and are right to the point without using too many of them. Wish I could be more that way sometimes!
I agree...
Yes the cliques form wherever you go. I still try to post if I have an opinion about something (and since when have I NOT had an opinion), but sometimes I feel like I'm not an "in crowd" member so my posts aren't really taken too seriously, and that's ok. Besides, I'm more a traditional, hard-nosed kinda gal and don't take shit from anyone, namely skids. Could be a bit harsh at times and probably what some SMs don't want to hear. But I still try. Besides, if I read something that I don't agree with I try to stay out of it. I just know that I appreciate that when I do have an issue (2 so far) that I do get some advice. It always helps.
Stick, I really appreciate
Stick, I really appreciate your responses on my posts. Don't stress!!!
I post when I feel like I
I post when I feel like I can help. I don't post when I don't. End of story. I'm not in the trenches anymore. I hang out to give others who went through part or all of what I went through my perspective and what helped me in the situation. I didn't really have skid issues. I had BM issues and SO issues. It's all I can say. As for "in" crowd, I've seen the "in" crowd change. I've seen some leave, and some who left returned. C'est la vie. You never make everyone happy.
To every thing there is a season.
Thanks.
'I hang out to give others who went through part or all of what I went through my perspective and what helped me in the situation.'
...and it is appreciated
________________________________________________________________________
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov
My favorite recommendation
My favorite recommendation is lemon drop martinis with sugar on the rim.
To every thing there is a season.
I'm more of a Ketel One
I'm more of a Ketel One Martini with olives or plain old Johnnie Walker Red myself.
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine
go Ketel
i'm a K1 and ruby red -- LOVE IT!!
or Bombay, Tonic & twist of lime
or beer on the boat
or wine spritzers at the beach
Niiiice :)
Ketel dirty... that's the breakfast of champions
That would be him. He's so
That would be him. He's so cute in a nerdy sort of way. I'm at LO with him. There's a pic of us from my birthday on my myspace, and more pics of us from Mt Rushmore this past weekend on facebook.
To every thing there is a season.
Well, I generally don't piss all over my "territory!"
Just kidding...
I would guess it women.... Is it traditionally men??
For some reason, I think a lot of men are like lone wolves... and women like a "pack"...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Well, I do think that men
Well, I do think that men are better at not getting offended when someone disagrees with them or gives them advice they don't agree with or like.
I've heard, and agree, that in general women share problems because they want to feel supported, and men tend to want advice on what to do. Sometimes, I think that when a woman gives a piece of advice to another woman ("man"-style) without the appropriate amount of commiseration, the other woman gets offended because she feels like her character is being attacked. Men don't seem to do that as much. (Except in their intimate relationships, when they can be as touchy as any woman when their partner says something they feel is a criticism.)
Stick, one thing I've noticed that seems to be similar between you and me is that we both give very direct (some might say blunt?) advice. I really like that about you -- even though I don't always agree. And I always feel you're being respectful of the other person. But I think sometimes the person you're giving advice to is too raw or too defensive, and reads something other than well-intentioned-ness into your response. And gets offended. And then hits back.
I think that words tend to hurt us more than they do men. Tones, connotations, etc. are things we brood over. I think you shouldn't worry about it so much -- but I understand why you are. Be gentle with yourself. If you feel you are raw or too emotional, don't give in to the temptation to respond to something that really touches a nerve. Protect yourself. Remember, this is a support site for ALL of us. Support yourself by knowing how to contribute in a way that allows you to feel safe.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Stick!!!!
Hang in there sista!!! (((((((STICK))))))) Big huge hugs to you my friend!!!
Hello Stick!
I'm with Lotus, and CG, and Ana, and TotallyB, and Steve...
And YOU Stick. I think you may have unwittingly done a much better job at bringing this back to a positive than my direct approach.
As for me giving advice, it's hit and miss. I might not see a thread, the title may turn me on or off as far as my curiosity or identifying with the subject. If I don't feel I have a positive to offer, I most often don't say anything. If I'm overwhelmed in my own situation I know I may not be of any use anyway. Often now I am more brief and offer hugs and understanding.
I think I am burned out in my own situation, and my advice is now only well received to other SM's dealing with borderline BMs or SKIDS. I form an instant connection with them.
And Stick, I think there has been a lot of baiting and it's so hard when we are so stressed not to bite the line. I agree with CG that we can only try to put out positives, address the negatives the best we can without adding fuel to the fire.
Believe it or not that's a line from the last play I did.
I do agree with the poster that this drama decreases the focus on blogs asking for help, and that frustrates me too. But how to comment back to her when she then adds jabs about my attempts to quiet the drama, or there only being advice if you are part of a clique, or...etc etc etc. I want to, but then am apprehensive that coming from me it will be received differently than my intent, and the thread will spin into drama yet again.
I say write what you need to. It helps to be patient and to let go of expectations of how when and how much support/advice will come. If you are open to advice it will find you eventually. I know it took weeks for anyone to start responding to my posts when I first started, and really, it wasn't until I reached out to support others that I gained advice and support ---by giving it first.
What you put out there comes back to you.
I do my best..
Sometimes I just don't know what to say someone. I will completely add my two cents though when I feel I have something somewhat useful to say. If I get a response, great! If not, I don't take it personal. I haven't been on here very long either, so I guess I still have dues to pay! I refuse to get involved in the drama posts anymore, although it's hard not too sometimes!!
*sigh* Maybe someday I'll make it into the "In" crowd........;)
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Weren't you the one I was passing the batton to recently???
Or am I confusing you with someone else.
Welcome to the IN crowd. If such a thing exists I am oblivious to it. I tend to make friends in here that translate to my real life outside of ST. When we did that, a lot of people felt excluded (though every time the invite was public for whoever wanted to join us.)
Something may have been misinterpreted as cliquey or felt threatening b/c of the desire to stay anonymous on here, by us having met in real life.
And though I am sorry for those who react that way, I won't apologize for the amazing experience of those retreats, and the lifelong friends I have made.
Yep
You did pass it to me.
I honestly don't need to be in the "In" crowd. I just hope I can pass on some wisdom and help someone else. I know the desperation I have felt sometimes, and I can "hear" it sometimes in people's posts. I'm just glad I have this place....
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
I think if you're a
I think if you're a step-parent then you automatically qualify for the In Crowd!
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine
I guess I do online
what I do in life; ignore the cliques around me. I am a newbie to this site (and I think I am addicted. I just can't get over the wonderful relief of being able to vent somewhere and to feel that i'm not alone.) Every blog that I read makes me feel better because it helps me realize that I am not the only one going through this crap.
I add as friends people whose blogs I think are awesome and that I want to follow and be able to read easily. I have had people be extremely supportive and nice even though I haven't been on here long. There is the odd insensitive comment here and there and at first I got really upset (I think we are all sensitive already and dealing with our step issues drains us anyway) and now I just try to take the criticism constructively just the way I did in dance classes. I used to cry every day after ballet if my teacher yelled at me or was disappointed in me or one of the other girls did or said something catty. Later, I got over it and developed a thicker skin and it's helped in other areas of my life as well.
I need advice and support and also pipe up and give my opinion when I feel like it. People can choose to read or not read my stuff, I don't mind. I've gotten great advice and also hope that i've comforted people too.
If anyone ever feels hurt by anything i've said, please let me know, because that is the opposite of my intentions!
"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32
I adore you Cruella
Thru and thru.
Big hugs everytime I see you on any forum I find you...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Cruella!
I hope that things at home are better. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss(es). It sucks that things like that seem to happen in groups. (I always think of the groups of 3 when it comes to that stuff around me.)
But I am happy to hear that your friends have snapped you out of the funk!! I don't think I've ever read a post from "Cruella in a funk" or is that a "funky Cruella"? I think that was before I started on here!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I don't really feel there is an "in crowd" here
Just seems like different people are on different times of the day, and maybe the same several people tend to get on at similar times. So they sort of develop a rapport, you know?
I never feel ignored, even if my posts don't get many answers. I'm interested in the comments that I get (love them!) but my salvation is in writing it all down and you guys just "listening" and I know that all of you over there on the "Whose Online" column are reading my vents--I just feel so much happier letting it all go.
And also, I try not to be so self-centered to think that my problems and posts are unique. I'm pretty sure there've been hundreds of SIMILAR POSTS as mine and let's face it - we might get tired of giving the same advice all the time, and may let someone else take over the advice-giving for a while.
Just a few thoughts of mine, I thought I'd throw out there for any "newbies" - ha, guess I'm one of those, too, really. Well, I'm outta here for now...but I'll BE BACK!
"I'm pretty sure there've
"I'm pretty sure there've been hundreds of SIMILAR POSTS as mine and let's face it - we might get tired of giving the same advice all the time, and may let someone else take over the advice-giving for a while. "
This is an excellent point. Sometimes I write advice and picture older members (friends or foe) rolling their eyes and saying "GOD Sita- time for a NEW story already!" Or I wonder, "Have I said this to this member before?????"
I think that starts to happen somewhere around year 2 on here. Also, I think many of my best friends on here I met in the first year for all of us. I wonder if the newbies tend to befriend newbies for the most part, because the newbies are the ones doing most of the venting/posting having just found (and becoming "addicted" as someone just said (Stepmadre?) on this thread ) and are in the same place on their path toward letting go/moving on from the feelings of insecurity and isolation in their situation.
And sometimes...we "old timers" know we might sound...holier than thou because we have posted and explained the same experiences SO many times. It's hard sometimes when you've moved on from the raw painful place, to put yourself back there in order to authentically offer support.
STICK
you are the very last person to ever feel the need to apologize!!! since i have been here, your posts are ALWAYS considerate & thoughtful..... if we had a vote, i would bet $1,000,000 you would be our site president....... whenever i am about to make hostile comments/actions --- with the short time i have read your posts, i think twice and say to myself i can be a bigger person --- stick would be... not that i'm always the bigger person....... but i think about it.... baby steps
Well
I can't say that I agree with that. I may omit things because I don't want something to come and bite me in the ass as far as BM is concerned, but all in all I've been pretty much myself on here. I see your point though, I don't think people honestly call their skids names in the real world, etc.
We have a wide range of personalities on here, and that what makes us such a great bunch!!
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Sorry to disappoint you on this theory Steve...
But I am really the same on here as in real life. Longwinded, over analytical, and enjoy the sound of my own "voice" too much sometimes! I'm much cuter online though. Especially on FB - at least on the pics I post. Had to untag myself in some til I figured out I could make the "photos of Sita" part invisible. My cousin posted a HORRIBLE pic of me and it was the first one that popped up in that album!
yep...she's right..
she's the same in person! But, she IS cuter in person!!!! love ya!
right on
steve........cheers!
I was contemplating this
I was contemplating this "in" crowd reference on my way to work, and this is what I thought. There are a few people here that I really don't relate to, and everytime I read something from them, I find it totally useless. I just don't respond. Not that I think they're "bad" people, but for my own reasons, they rub me the wrong way ALL THE TIME! But, you know how you can add people as friends? These people are friends with some of my friends. I don't have to like everyone, but I do try to be polite. Like Thumper says in Bambi, "If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." And, I agree with Stick. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to take on someone else's problems. It's called compassion fatigue.
That's when I take a break.
To every thing there is a season.
OMG I think I have that disorder!
"compassion fatigue"
Is that in the PDR or Merck Manual???? Is there a treatment for it????
compassion fatigue.....
I love that! You're so funny!!!!
No, there are actual studies
No, there are actual studies on it.
To every thing there is a season.
well I'm new here
and just let me say I can definitely sleep better at night knowing I'm not the only one in this situation. I'll take any advice I can get and I'm glad I have somewhere to go and just vent!!!
Hey everyone - Thanks!
Thank you for jumping in on this blog!! Thank you for the kind words and support... and thank you for all the different tangents this went on!! It made reading this fun, how one thing lead to another. I really enjoyed reading all of the different responses!
Hope you guys are having a Happy Sunday!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***