The art of self-sabotage...
Belle's Blog about the Other Woman - whether she be a SM, or just the Other Woman, and the responses to it got me thinking for a bunch of various reasons.
One of the things it led me to though was the art of self-sabotage.
You know... when you do something purposefully destructive to yourself, your life, your psyche, your relationship.... because it is easier or more of a relief to just do it, rather than take the harder road of self-restraint, or discovery, or whatever the case may be.
The reason I ask is because I used to be very very good at self-sabotage. When faced with a situation that I did not like or made me angry I used to LASH OUT... hard, fast and in a big way. With words, actions, etc. No one doubted how I felt about any situation because I made it known. There was no nuance, there was no subtlety. I wanted to be heard. I was a mess. I always justified it in my mind to some extent. I felt that i had gone through so much so young... blah blah blah. I also paid the price many times for my rash decisions. (which I can expand upon if needed)
The reality is YES, I did have some things happen to me out of the norm that shaped my self-esteem and certain things that I felt. Yes, in some ways I can still justify my inappropriate behavior. BUT - The difference is now... I have learned self-control. And I have learned that just because DAMNIT I WANT something - to happen or to have or whatever - does not mean I can just go willy nilly and react. I actually have to talk myself down or out of things sometimes.... from the simple... Like - I want to talk to my husband RIGHT NOW and then actually think about HIS day!! ... to the more complex... I am not completely happy with everything going on, but there are fine points and gray areas so I have to remember them every day and not take it out on my husband, or my SD.... Or just blurt something out that I will definitely regret.
So ladies, I guess my question to you today is do you think sometimes, when you are unhappy in your situation as a Step, Other Woman, Bio-parent, whatever the case may be.... Do you feel that you may be letting yourself sit on "the dark side" as a form of self sabotage... Because then, when things fall apart, you can always justify it. Or, have you done that in the past?
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ooooh...me and my former
ooooh...me and my former self...QUEEN of Justification! lol Analyze every negative facet to pinpoint EXACTLY what someone else did to cause MY problems. It was my low self worth talking. If I could justify my bad actions then I didn't have to hate myself.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
Stick my friend! Letting
Stick my friend! Letting myself sit 'on the dark side' is EXACTLY what brought me to Steptalk. It was soooo much easier to let myself be consumed with misery and gloom and doom because then every single yucky thing that happened I could say "SEE... I TOLD YA SO"
THEN I found ST and got my ass handed to me and I snapped out of it and ST actually helps keep me from ever ever going back to that bad place in my mind. I choose happiness and I'll do whatever it takes to stay there.
Stress and anxiety makes my wrinkles sink deeper so I just try to stay away from it when I can! LOL!!!
Thanks for this post, Stick.
Thanks for this post, Stick. It's good to know that it's possible to learn self-control the way you have.
I'm a master at self-sabotage. When my emotions get too high, I'll go into one of two modes: deep depression or destructive rage. My task now is to pay attention to that space between the onset of the intense emotion and the corresponding action, with the goal being lengthening that space so that I can stop reacting so quickly to the intensity. There are always consequences - a broken phone or t.v. remote, or days of lethargy from an overdose. Not to mention the dire consequences to my ability to parent and get this kid under control. How can she learn self-control when I don't have it? It's as if my emotional development was stunted at 15.
I did learn two techniques yesterday for bringing me down quickly. One is to walk to the end of the street and back without my coat. The cold should snap me out of it. The second is called the "Diving Technique". You get one of those gel masks and keep it in the freezer. When the emotional level gets too intense, put on the mask then sit with your head below your knees. The cold and the rush of blood to the head supposedly works to bring you down quickly. I'll be buying a gel mask this weekend.
It's a work in progress but I'm working hard. I feel stronger now and a little more hopeful that success is possible.
When I was having some of
When I was having some of the worst times... to 'ground' myself back down I would go outside and literally sit or lay down on the ground. Crazy? Maybe so... but a bpd therapist suggested it to me and it worked wonders.
Was it the cold that worked?
Was it the cold that worked? That seems to be the answer I'm getting. Last night when I felt my emotions start to escalate, I went outside in my p.j.'s and housecoat and went for a drive. I forgot to walk, just wanted to get as far away from the source of the stress as possible (DD and FH yelling at each other). I really like your idea. I think I'll use the front yard though, seeing as the huge dog leaves huge presents in the back yard and that would be just gross.
I don't know that it was the
I don't know that it was the cold so much as the reality of the literal ground because I still do it on occasion even in the hot summer. Something about laying in the earth and dirt and grass and re-centering myself would really bring me down from an anxiety attack.
Definitely give it a try. Lay there and let yourself FEEL the ground... close your eyes and just think about the earth around you, not the problems around you, and see if that doesn't help a little at least!
Oh yah... watch out for 'doggie land mines' LOL!
I will definitely try this
I will definitely try this but maybe I'll wait until the ground isn't so wet with melted snow. Hmmmm... maybe getting soaked would work too!
I totall understand the grounding thing. This is why I NEED to go camping every year and fantasize about living in the woods. Nature has a healing effect.
Maybe I'll start grounding in meditation again.... sending energy roots into the earth. Good suggestion.
Yeah, you know, Edgar Allan
Yeah, you know, Edgar Allan Poe wrote a short story called "The Imp of the Perverse" that I read in high school, which talks about kind of this same thing -- self-sabotage. But he calls it "the perverse": the human tendency to do things that we know aren't good for us, because there's a little demon inside us that we are constantly struggling against. That story has always stuck with me -- reading it as an impulsive, hot-tempered high school student had a profound effect on me.
Personally, my own struggle with relationships has always been trying to find the happy medium between the me that wants to stick up for myself and say "My wishes first! Don't you DARE screw with me!!! ME ME ME ME ME!" And the part of me that is so afraid of rejection that I will put up with anything the guy wants, because I so don't want him to leave me. When I have given into the first devil, I've been an impossible, high maintenance girlfriend. But when I've given into the second one, the result has been to find myself in physically abusive relationships -- twice.
So, yeah, I've always struggled with the point at which self-esteem becomes self-sabotage. Hitting the sweet spot is hard sometimes -- too little self-esteem and you get tromped on, too much and you tromp on others. And of course, especially since I started stepping, it's even more difficult. How to find that sweet spot in my conduct with my husband? With his ex-wife? With his kids? What if the sweet spot is in a different place with each of them? How do I juggle that?
Good topic, Stick. I went on my little "self-discovery" kick with my blog yesterday; maybe this will be the next deep discussion of how we try to muddle through finding our place in this morass of the "blender".
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Just gotta say I LOVED that
Just gotta say I LOVED that story. Standing on the edge of a cliff, just to see how far we can go before falling off. It's a "natural human propensity".
Thanks for responding
Thanks for responding ladies. Part of the reason I brought this up, is that I can identify certain behaviors and try to "nip them in the bud"... and then there's other times that I know I am doing something and still don't have a grip on it. I'm not into self sabotage,... and it could be considered self survival... but it's not completely helping my sitch either...
For example... I really love my career, but have agreed to temporarily put it on hold while SD is still in high school, since DH has such a fantastic job opportunity right now.
I have been starting interviews locally for jobs. Luckily, I am going the Temp Route for now.. but even that was a decision I had to bring myself to.
I was going to my temp agency interviews and they would ask, well, what if you can tour again? And I know... I gave an "okay" answer.. but my body language... my face... even my answer betrayed what I wanted. To me, that's a form of self sabotage as well.
I know what i need to do, and it's been my idea to do it... and yet... when it comes down to the wire, I hesitate and give myself away. So that could be both self-survival because I am keeping my options open... and self-sabotage because I am prohibiting some opportunities before I even know what they are!!
.*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I don't lash out and I don't
I don't lash out and I don't remain quiet. I am a runner. I have always run away from the things that got to my inner core. I felt it was better to start over fresh somewhere else either by myself or with someone else than to face pain or to let anyone actually get in.
What I have learned over the years is the grass really is not greener. I obviously have not conquered whatever it is that gets me into the situations I get myself into and I think I have a propensity to try to "save" men, so I find the exact same types of guys and start all over again.
It has taken me many years and and many failed relationships to figure this out about myself. So far, I have stuck with this one through the THICK. I have found basically an inner peace with myself and have no fear of saying "NO, I can't help you. You have to help yourself."