what i expected

was for dh, the kids, and i to live our lives as normal as possible, have a break every other weekend, and only deal with bm ONLY when we all met at the kid's school for functions. i expected bm to care for her kids when she had them.

i DIDNT expect to be dealing with kids who were afraid to be with their bm, or deal with a bm who cared more for her bf's kids than her own.

I expected that DH would be responsible for his child, both financially and emotionally.
I expected that I would also contribute financially more to our household, so that DH could continue to support his daughter in the "same" standard of living they had before they divorced.
I expected that if emergencys came up or just change of plans, BM would be as willing to accomodate us as we were accomodating her.
I expected that if I ensured that his daughter had a nice life, treated her nicely, etc...and the same with BM, that BM would appreciate it.
I expected if I respected boundaries and ensured that his daughter never called me mom, as she had a mom, BM would appreciate that while I took care of her child, I knew my place...

I did not expect that only BM and her daughter would benefit from my husband's hard work, especially that work that he was able to do/get because of MY sacrifices (ie. go to school, encourage him to get a better job, help him, etc...)
I did not expect that BM would try to get as much money from DH as she possibly could even if it meant he could not eat at the end of the week.
I did not expect that BM would allow her daughter to become a hoochie, if my DH could help with raising her in a "correct" way...just out of spite...I thought all mothers wanted something better for their kids than they had themselves...

This is a great post, Stick.
I'm interested to hear if, after listing all their expectations, responders believe that those expectations might have been realistic or unrealistic.
Being specific about expectations is very helpful.

I don't think i expected much. I just wanted them (DH and BM) to get along, for all of us to have mutual respect and be cordial with one another, and to live peacefully as possible - and enjoy my SD growing up and visiting with us.

I didn't expect to be friends with BM or to be replacing her in anyway.... nor do i want to replace her in anyway.

I didn't expect that she would lash out and file false allegations of abuse with a trauma counselor or the custody court..... and I certainly didn't expect her to react this way towards his getting married. They were never married and broke up 7 years ago before SD was born.

I think i just expect all parties involved to be mature adults.... hell we are all in our 30's - so it should not be that damn hard.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

I expected marriage to be the cure-all, problem fixer…I expected:
- to be treated as an equal once we were married
- to be consulted about decisions before they were made, not after they were made
- I expected to be part of the decisions made for SD (not sure why I thought this)
- to have my schedule respected and run by the husband/wife team
- to be part of the decisions about money spent in the marriage
- to be the only woman in my marriage
- to have SD EOW and 1 week vacation in the summer
- to have BM taxi SD around from place to place if she signed her up for the activity
- to love Sd like I love choochoo
- to have a marriage that was like what I always dreamed it would be like, honeymoon stage, comfortable stage…etc…
- to have a strong willed husband who didn’t let BM push us around
- to have a husband who was fair with both children
- to have a husband who had my back about things and didn’t divide us in front of people

What I didn’t expect:
- I didn’t expect to be treated like a nuisance instead of an equal partner
- I didn’t expect to have the emotional needs of Frizz placed above my emotional needs
- I didn’t expect DH and Frizz to be so chummy since they never were before
- I didn’t expect DH to feel the need to protect SD from me since I’ve always treated her fair.
- I didn’t expect to be silenced when I asked for respect from SD and Frizz
- I didn’t expect for my role as wife to be tiny and unimportant while the role of ex-wife and daughter are huge and overbearing in my home
-I didn’t expect Frizz to stay single and constantly try to reel Dh back in.
-I didn’t expect to not have children with DH.
-Didn’t expect to hear about decisions after they had been made for me
-To have my schedule written and dictated by DH and SD
-Didn’t expect to be excluded about money decisions
-Didn’t expect DH to allow BM such a starring role in how our home and marriage conduct themselves
-Didn’t expect to have Bm switch the game and start enforcing the agreement and making DH taxi SD around to her activities that BM signed her up for
-I didn’t expect that I wouldn’t love SD at all. I didn’t expect to be so distant from her after the marriage when she latched onto her mother and began looking at me as the enemy.
-I didn’t expect my marriage would fail to fulfill those dreams of what marriage should be like
-I didn’t expect for my strong willed man to turn into a jellyfish after I said I DO.
-I didn’t expect to have a husband who treated his daughter with more fairness and respect than my son.

The other stuff can be worked out hopefully. And if it can’t, then I just have to learn to accept it as part of the territory of my marriage. If someone would have told me how hard this was going to be, I stupidly wouldn’t have listened because I have such grandiose ideas about my ability to handle tough things. So I’d be here no matter who warned me. I would always think, well, how bad can it be? I’ve been through A LOT worse! This should be a walk in the park compared to what I’ve already been through,right?

The majority of my unhappiness is coming from my ideas about how a marriage should be. Those dreams have been crushed to dust between the ever heavy weight of the DH/Frizz/MiniFrizz triangle. I think if I can let go of my traditional wishes for my marriage, I’ll find a way to be happy with what I’ve got. I just have to let go of what I thought should happen and get happy with what is happening. That’s the goal for me. Stop my lamenting over what could have been and start loving what is.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

*

I didn't expect much, and STILL I got let down!

I expected BM to want to work WITH me and DH to ensure SD had effective, consistent parenting.

I expected DH to place a priority on our relationship. Not that he would put me ABOVE SD, but that we would have our own unique place in the family heirarchy as husband and wife.

I expected SD to, after an initial adjustment period, come to love (or at least like) me as all children do. I am fair and reasonable, I am firm and consistent, I am friendly and caring. Kids respond to me. My nieces loved me like a mother. I babysat and taught Sunday School. My friends told me I was born to be a mom.

What I did not expect:

To feel like an unwanted outcast in my own home.

To be met with resistance at every turn in my attempt to parent (not mother) SD.

To be treated like SD is my equal or, perhaps, above me.

To want to run screaming, to spend my nights crying and wondering why I'd gotten myself into this situation.

To have people I confided in say: "You knew what you were getting yourself into."

To go from DH having custody of SD a minimum of 50 percent of the time to now rarely seeing her.

To wish I'd never married my husband.

Good post, Stick. Well...wow..

I expected not be held above either child but to hold an EQUAL position, so to speak. I didn't expect to be at the bottom of the pile when it comes to emotional needs.

I expected the BM to be open to meeting and having a relationship of some kind with me being as I would be the person who would be around her children. I knew we'd never be real friends simply because of the nature of things. But outright opposition was something I didn't see coming.

I expected to be just a woman that the children know. I never thought I would matter in any capacity to either child since I can be replaced at any time with any other woman and they'd just have to deal with it.

I expected BF to take my opinions and observations about both children seriously. He didn't have to agree or like what I say, but I did expect him to LISTEN and consider what I was saying before dismissing it as absolute crap. I know I'm not a parent to either kid but I do have eyes, ears, and common sense. Maybe, just MAYBE, my opinions/observations are valid ones. But if he ignores me, he'll never know.

I expected shared custody.
I expected to help DH and BM with their child.
I expected our home to be our home, and not run by BM by proxy.
I expected BM to have an active role in her child's life.
I expected DH to correct bad behaviors, not justify them.
I expected too much.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

I can honestly say that I have no idea what I expected. I had no clue what it would be like to marry someone that already had kids. I just dove in head first and hoped for the best. It actually hasn't been that bad. I have more husband issues than stepkid issues actually.

I'm lucky.

Good question Stick!

What did I expect? I expected the following:

a) that DH and BM be good parents to their kids

b) that DH make the kids treat me with civility

c) that BM would put her children's needs before her desire to ruin the lives of DH and myself.

d) That, even if BM couldn't accept me or respect me, she would at least treat me with civility.

e) That BM would use the child support on the children.

f) That, if I handled something the wrong way, DH would talk to me in private and then we could go to skids and I could say, "I've realized I handled this wrongly and I'm sorry, and this is what will happen instead."

g) That, even if BM couldn't encourage her kids to get to know me/have a relationship with me, she would at least not discourage them from doing so.

h) That BM would not use her kids as pawns against DH and me.

i) That BM would abide by the adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything" regarding DH and me.

j) That the skids would treat me with the same respect they show to their teachers and coaches.

Looking back on it, my issues weren't with my stepkids. Kids are products of the environments they're raised in and of who raises them.

What did I expect:

1. I expected Bm and her blended family to be more understanding and supportive of me and Dh. I thought that since Bm has a stepfather and two half-sisters she would understand more about trying to make things work.
2. I expected regular interaction with Sd.
3. I expected a shared routine with Bm. So we could be putting sd to bed at the same times ect.
4. I expected to be able to sleep at night when Bm was living by herself with Sd, because she it a mother and she should know whats right or wrong.
5. I expected to be a partner in the group of people who love this child.
6. I expected rules with consequences in both homes.

God I'm dumb.

I expected:

To raise 3 kids, as siblings (we do)
To love them all as my own, and DH the same (we do)
To possibly have one of our own (have not)
To be a team, united front with our ex's and our kids (we do)
To have to put up with a psycho BM (WE DO!!!)

DH's family all warned me how crazy BM was. I heard it all from DH, about how she has always been OBSESSED with him (like fatal attraction type) and how when they were in high school he would break up with her and she would show up at his house, hang out with his mom... try to get in good with the family, and eventually guilt him back in to being with her. She tried this after DH and I started dating. Exactly how he had discribed what she would do in high school. To a "T". So, yeah... I pretty much KNEW what I was getting myself in to. I have no excuse for the "you knew what you were getting yourself in to" comment. Her friends all told me she was nuts, people at work told me (we all worked in the same office). She used to have people stalk DH and I. She would send him emails all day at work telling him what I was doing at that very moment... even though she worked in a completely different building. Someone on my floor was watching me and reporting back to her. She would follow us in town... show up at my house. She is nuts, and I knew it long before DH asked me to marry him. I put up with it because I love him. And I know that she is ill. No healthy person would act that way. Now I just sit back and watch her do it to the men she has attempted to TRAP since she finally caught on that DH and I are in this for the long haul. She has even told me how she would throw her birth control pills away and tell her ex she was taking them. Trying to get pregnant, because she knew he was cheating on her. She thought that would make him stay. WRONG. I expected crazy from her, she is living up to my expectations.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Honestly,

I am not sure what I expected, but it sure as hell wasn't this.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

I didn't know what to expect, honestly.

I guess I expected that we'd all gel together perfectly. WRONG

I expected that SD and I would be thick as thieves. WRONG

I expected that BF & I and Wilda & Poor Sucker could act like normal adults and maybe even be friendly. WRONG WRONG WRONG

I expected that I'd be allowed to have a say in things and be able to speak my mind concerning SD. WRONG

I expected that BF and I would be married or at least engaged by now. WRONG

I expected to have moved out of that house by now. WRONG

I didn't expect to have years of conditioning myself to like ME to be thrown out the window so quickly.

I didn't expect that I would have nasty feelings toward SD sometimes.

I didn't expect that I would HATE Wilda (and BF sometimes).

I didn't expect to be sitting in an attorney's office because Wilda can't give up her control over my man.

I didn't expect to be madly in love with someone who may not be emotionally ready for what I'm ready for.

I didn't and still don't understand a parent's love for their child which could explain much of my "didn't expects".

Would I do it all again? I don't know but I do know so much more now than I did before and I know that I would have done things a lot differently. Hindsight really is 20/20.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".