MY EX HAS NOT BEEN THE BEST FATHER TO MY BIO SON. HE CONSTANTLY WOULD NOT SHOW UP FOR VISITS, AND FOR SOME REASON MY BS STOPPED WANTING TO EVEN SLEEP AT HIS HOUSE.
I ASKED HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHY AND HE SAID HE DOESN'T KNOW
BUT WHEN HE GOES THERE HE THROWS UP ALL NIGHT.
I TOOK HIM TO A COUNSELOR AND SHE BROUGHT UP HIS DAD AND MY SON LOST IT. HE COULD BARELY TALK ABOUT IT.

IN MY SONS CASE HE WAS FEELING LIKE THEIR WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM BECAUSE HIS DAD DID THOSE THINGS. HE NEEDED TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES ME THAT IT IS NOT HIM, BUT HIS DAD IS JUST THAT WAY AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY BS BEING LOVABLE.

THIS DID HELP HIM ALOT IN HIS THINKING, BUT I DO SEE HE DOESN'T GO OUT OF HIS WAY ANYMORE FOR HIS FATHER, AND I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM ABOUT HOW HE FEELS.
I THINK SOMETIMES KIDS AND PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH DISSAPPOINTMENT AND IT'S EASIER NOT TO TRY THAN TO BE HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN. JUST MY OPINION

MEANT TO SAY AND HE WILL NOT TALK TO HIS FATHER ABOUT HOW HE FEELS

I would bet it is largely self-protection. And I can't say I blame her -- it would be SO hard to open up to a mother who you are almost positive will just hurt you again. I have felt that way about past boyfriends -- but think how much harder it would be with a parent -- you can never completely "break up" with a parent; they will always be your parents no matter how you feel about them. So, there's no escape. And that means that there won't really be any point in the future where you can look back, like you can with a bad boyfriend you broke up with, and say, "Wow, I really suffered with that guy. Thank God I'm out of that relationship!"

It would be hard for your SD to feel strong enough to bare her soul, knowing that she'll probably just get hurt again. Frankly, if I were in her situation, I would probably also feel that I didn't necessarily want things to work out with my mom -- maybe what she's really saying is, "I don't ever want to start really hoping/believing in her again, because I know that eventually she'll just hurt me if I try to trust her." I see that happening a lot with my younger SD -- she sooooo wants to believe that her mother loves her, and then periodically something happens where she sees that her mom just wants her to go away, and she is so destroyed by that.

Maybe the best you can do is try to help your SD develop into a whole enough person that she doesn't feel herself being threatened by an unloving mother. If she develops into a strong young woman, maybe she'll be strong enough to accept a mother who is far from the mother that she would have wished for, and just be able to accept that her mother is just a flawed human being.

Good luck trying to help her, Stick -- that's a tough thing to try to do.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)