Stick:

I also think that our biggest issues on this site have to do with whether, when someone doesn't agree with someone else, their reaction is to attack and name-call, or to be more polite about the disagreement... but anyway...

As far as your question, I'm sure that to an extent it's because of that old saying "Where you stand depends on where you sit." It's easy for people to assume the worst in motivations of people who seem to be coming from somewhere radically different from us. So, of course, if someone takes issue with something another poster says about, say, a stepkid, I'd say it's most likely because the person taking offense is in a "seat" that makes it easier for them to "see" stepkids as victims rather than monsters. So, the discussion becomes polarized between people who have lots of issues that revolve around the skids, and the people who, probably, have a lot of issues in their lives where they see BM or others treating the kids like crap and it upsets them.

Let's face it -- if I was a BM who had a difficult SM in her life, and I was on a site for BMs, and I read a blog where a BM was ragging on a "crazy SM," I probably would take their word for it that their SM was crazy -- because it would be in my experience that "crazy SM" is a reality I understand.

When we assume the worst in human behavior, generally it is because on some fundamental level, we see the person we're assuming the worst about as not "like us."

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Agree. I use this site for objectivity. I've had years of SD and DH behavior and though I try to put my resentment aside - it's still there under the surface. I find that when I blog here and get opinions from all viewpoints it helps me see what's right for me and my situation. Maybe my initial point will be negative and full of self pity but once a read others' responses I can usually develop a clearer picture of what is happening and a better path to the solution.

If some responses are bitter and negative I often think - "I've been there I understand" - but my response may be do I want to continue in my anger. Most often the answer is no. Albeit sometimes the anger and resentment inside me and from others' opinions will make me understand that I need to set some boundaries and take care of myself. For me - that's what this site if about.

Glynne

im not sure if it was you or some one else that posted a blog in response to something, but, it said "sometimes we react or respond to certain posts because they strike a nerve with our personal experiences."

I have tried not to come on here too much recently because i noticed that i was being very negative because what i was going through in my personal life...and all i was taking from the site was the negative.

i dont really think that its some one seeing things either negative or positive (but there are issues where this is the case)....but rather it has happened to them, therefore they view the particular action of some one elses dh,bm, or skid based on their experience.

Stick---im not sure if you saw that i realized i had mis read that one blog that i reacted pretty harshly...but as some one i greatly respect on here, our posts back and forth really bothered me. I remembered a post that asked why do we sometimes refuse to see the other persons side or view of the issue....i was so bothered i asked my father about me as a child and going through the divorce and having a step parent...he agreed 100% that at 7 i knew exactly what i was doing, and if it was hurting some ones feelings....now i didnt have pas or anything going on, but i really dont think that skids experiencing pas deserve a free pass to be rude and hurtful

in the end, what i realized i was so upset with was the same thing i am currently REALLY struggling with, Why are so many people allowing others to have no accountability for their actions? (for me its mil, sil's, dh's grandparents, and sometimes ss) and that actually had nothing to do with the post, it was my own issues that i was blindly throwing in to all of it.

"I didn't used to be that way but years of being stabbed in the back have made me harsh!"

Well spoken. Same here. When you get messed over enough times, it makes you grow a 3rd eye on the back of your head. That's why I'm sometimes so suspicious. It's not that I dislike most people, but I just have a hard time trusting people.

Ahhh... perception. This very thing has started many a wars, Stick. The same way I can see a glass half full, another can see it half empty, another can have a desire to fill and another a desire to empty... it's this very dynamic that instills acceptance and an ability to move forward, while others will forever remain stuck.

There could be a plethera of reasons for any mindset... ignorance vs experience, victim vs. survivor mentality, paranoia vs. fear, entitlement vs. deserving, projection vs. reflection.. and so forth.

Our minds are shaped by what has been put before us, and we almost always share our thoughts based upon these experiences. I can only assume that you share in my suffering because it's all I know. I also know that rarely is it ever so black and white, right or wrong. Just not right for me.

Love the thought provoking post, Stick.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

well...as someone who has dealt with abuse, depression and suicide in my life, its very simple for me...if I DO not look at things in a positive way...its doomsday for me....quite frankly....I got tired of being down all the time and wanted to be happy, which I think is all any of us wants. I realized what I needed to be happy had to come from me, and that's the power not to let lifes struggles make me a negative person...i know some of u have the perception that I have this skip thru the daisies life, but u have no idea the mud I have had to crawl thru to get to this point.....so for me...I TRY to always look at the positive side of things now...even on the darkest days, because if I don't....I may not be able to crawl back out of that dark well again

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I like to think I can give unbiased advice. Sometimes that is the intent. Other times I wanna vent right along with that person.

It's all in perception. That goes in life as well as ST.

In the beginning of mine and DH's relationship I hated his kids. I cringed at the thought of seeing them. I would go to the bathroom and cry when he'd tell me they were coming over. Anything he did for them I took it as them getting a victory over me, he loved them more. And if I got him to myself for a hour I took it as a triumph over them. They reacted the same way tward me. We all can sit down and admit that for the first year we hated one another.

Something happened though. I looked at my life, at his kids, at my love for him, and I realized that he was hurting. I had to be more understanding. I didn't love these kids, I had to try to like them! There was a girl here, Anne, and though I wasn't a member during her time I read every one of her blogs. Though she wasn't talking to me, by what she wrote she convinced me that I needed to change MY attitude. With me doing that, they would follow, maybe. And they did. It all changed.

DH saw how much I was working at things and he appreciated it. I faked it till I maked it. LOL! Now I love his daughter who is 15, the 21 year old.......I can't honestly say I love her. But I would do anything I can for her, and I do like her, 99% of the time anyways! More important, and regardless of my feelings of her, she's his daughter. With that engraved into my head, engraved by me, it's easier to deal with all of the drama that unfolds.

It's all in perception. You can make yourself happy or not. You always have the power to change the dynamics of your life. If you choose to you can. Anne was the person here that changed my perception. I've since met her elsewhere and thanked her for just being her. We never know what we write here, how it will affect others.

I'm sure that there are people that read these blogs on a daily basis that aren't members, but know us all by avatars and screen names. What we say could very well have a impact on their thought process, and could affect their marriage.

If we could all think about what we write before we do, think about if we are just being nasty, we could stop this drama here. It's ridiculous that people have nothing better to do than come to ST to be hateful to people that they hate, hate but don't even know. It's sad.

It's all in perception. Your blog is right on, as usual.