Mine is clean.

Speaking from experience with this sort of situation, it could be good and it could be bad.

Question: would your OH tell you anything negative that your SS has to say about you? I ask that because my SD pulled that trick on me earlier this year. Wanted some 'alone time' with daddy. Turns out, she spent the time talking (*&^*^ (keeping it clean) about me to my DH. He did tell her that she was out of line for saying the things that she said and to mind her own business where our (mind and DH) relationship was concerned. I applaud him for that. But even after that episode, she tried to bring up her negative opinions to my DH. He kept putting her in her place - so to speak. We know that this was BM inspired garbage, but it was garbage nonetheless.

I guess it depends on how sneaky you think your SS and BM are. If you trust him, go with it, and enjoy the day for yourself. If not, ?????

They say it is good in a step family for children to one on one time with the BP... BUT... I would also think that this is only because of the incident from last visit. Maybe they can do an outing, and then all of you do dinner together.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

I don't see anything wrong with him having personal time with his dad..... But then you all can do something later that day or the next.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

Storm, I don't think it necessarily means he's pulling away from you. BF's kids and I don't have any problems with each other and given the opportunity to have one on one time with their Daddy, they would eat it up as much as possible. I think it's important for them to have one on one time. I know that being in the same situation, my children want one on one time with me, and I enjoy being able to spend some quality time with just us.

When it works out, BF will spend one on one time with his children atleast once a Month. It's nice when it's scheduled that way I know what to expect, the skids have something to look forward to, and I can spend some one on one time with my own children.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

You did the right thing on the last visit. Don't be paranoid. It could be a good thing for all of you. I agree with MeanOleMe, they can do an outing and then you could do something together afterwards.

I know it's easy to get suspicious of his motives for excluding you but I think maybe give him some more time before you start feeling hurt about it. If he continues the whole, "i need daddy time" thing then maybe sit down and talk to him about it. Otherwise, it sounds normal. SD used to do this to me ALL THE TIME. It was hurtful but she got over the phase and we all moved on. now her and my son spend more time together playing than she spends with just her dad.

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

Yes we most definitely set aside parent-child time. Me with my kids and DH with his DD. The kids will love you more for it and its super healthy for the them. Speaking from experience, I cannot stress enough the problems you'll prevent by allowing this. My siblings and I have issues because our step-mom insisted on being included in everything, which in turn, seriously stunted the bond we could have had with our dad. To this day there are some very bitter feelings towards my dad and my stepmom. We all lost out on the relationships that could have been.

Not too long ago, my sd6 was scared her dad was being taken away by me and my kids. Whether it was something she was truly feeling or something her BM put in her head, I had to step away and let her have more time with her dad. The good thing is, if you do allow the parent-child time to happen, the threat the skid is feeling will subside and will want to include you again. It will only be a phase if you follow through with it.

To be noted, child psychologists number one complaint they hear from children of blended families is not being able to have time alone with their parent and the fear of that parent replacing them with someone else.

I know it feels like you're being rejected but try not to take it personal. The love and respect will be 10-fold if you encourage the time SS10 needs with his dad.

Good luck!

I'm not sure letting the kid think they are dictating who he spends time with in your home is necessarily a good thing. If he does have ulterior motives and this is just the start of him pushing you away, he will see how easy it is... all he has to do is ask and SM goes away???

No, I think DH should say something like "well, we (DH and SM) will discuss our plans for the weekend and we will let you know". That way, the kid doesn't think he gets to call the shots and you get to decide with your hubby what YOU would like BEFORE he makes a decision with the kid.

As others have said, it's good for kids to have alone time with bio parents. But there should also be family time. I just don't think the kids should be allowed to dictate when this is...unless it's a special occasion or something or a rare request.

Keep in mind SS is only 10. And he's a boy so he's going to cut to the chase and say exactly what he wants. No frills about it. I'm not sure if you call it dictating because he's not being nasty about it. As long as the child respects you and DH isn't allowing him to take up ALL his time then that is good enough. And lets face it, SS10 may never want a close relationship with you and that's totally fine as well. Someone had mention on a different post that its like trying to make a person fall in love with you. You just can't force things.

If anyone going to talk to SS10, DH should be the one asking his son why he wants alone time. Believe me, it will backfire if you step in and ask yourself. Either he'll spare your feelings by not being honest or be blunt and hurt the hell out of you. He just wants to bond with his dad...plain and simple. Intact families rarely have these issues because they know it and live it. We have to learn it.

Oh dont be worried, enjoy the time alone away from both! I always made it a habit that EOW when my skids were young at the time, i would work on those weekends and only got to see them at late afternoon , night. I did this on purpose so they have the day with dad alone and we have family time at night. This way there was no excuse i'm taking dad away...it worked very well with skids, gave no ammunition with psycho bm ANd if i didnt want to work, i just went shopping by myself downtown and my dh would come to pick me up later.
If my dh did nothing with kids,not my issue. So in the end, they wanted me around because my dh would do things when i was there, cause i was the one motivating him...
Do aloen time and do family time....nothing wrong there.

Thanks you middlemom. This topic really struck a cord with me because of my childhood. It feels good to get a thumbs up from someone.

It's important to have a balance of family time, couple's time and dedicated bio/kids time during every visitation. (If kids are young, it means putting them to bed before the adults.) If you have that balance- then dedicated bio/kid time is fine.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Shirley is a stepmom to 3 kids, and biological mom to 2 kids, ages 15-22. She is a counselor, coach and author. Shirley has a passion for helping blended families be strong and successful. She has a website dedicated to help blended and step families- http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

My SD has days for just her and my H. She also asks for days just the two of us.

Sometimes we have "sd day" where she plans the day and we do whatever it is she wants.

I won't worry about this.

I think it's fine if there's a balance. They get a day together and then there is a day where the 3 of you spend time doing something. It could also be that both are just half days. Your DH needs to explain that all 3 of you are equal family members and that family spends time together.