But you touched a chord for me this time.

Unlike you perhaps, I fell in love with my SD at first sight and it was mutual. Her mom was/is not a nurturer and my SD fell into me hard. I jumped into try to fill the void. But at nine years old...apparently I just came too late.

Because now at 13, SD has decided that cool hearted is the best way to be and is modling after BM. She wants to be more warm and nurturing like me, but thinks it's too much work.

So...I find myself falling out of love with her.

I don't know what to do either. It's a painful loss, but I have to let her go.

The problem is (as I'm sure you can guess from your own experience) I am still VERY in love with DH. So what to do? Normally when a relationship has run it's course you pack up and move on. But this is a lifetime committment. I've never HAD to stay with someone that I don't want to be around before. It really really...well as a writer I always look for the poignant way to put it but...

It SUCKS.

I'm exhausted, I'm nauseous when I'm stuck alone with her (most of the time since we have full custody and BM backs out of her time a lot of the time.)

I feel for you. I do have my own kids, so maybe that's why I could fall in love originally. She was the daughter I never thought I'd have.

Now I have a two year old daughter and that's come between SD and me too.

Wow...thanks for your post. You really pulled something out of me I didn't know was so deep.

Wish I had more to tell you to help you.

(Peace, love, and red wine

I think you've hit it in your first sentence Vickiemac, it may make NO difference in the long run. I have seen many adults with the same attitude, creating drama out of every possible situation for attention. We have to hope it will and keep doing it, just in case it does make a difference. And actually I really don't feel I inherrited SD...I feel I was meant to be her SM, because I know it takes someone as patient and nurturing as I am to go the distance. I think a younger, less expereienced, insecure, jealous woman would have never lasted here, despite DH being fantastic. I am none of those.

I have been trying to focus on detachment from outcome rather than disengaging all the time. Meaning, like you said here, I keep trying to do the right thing by SD, constantly working on setting the best example I can, trying to actively ENgage with her when at all possible. When I disengage as a defense mechanism, then SD reacts by acting up even more. EVERY time. She provokes her dad over and over, causing me to have to take over because, unlike DH, I can stop myself from yelling at her.
However, like StressedinCA, I end up over correcting (ie yelling at) my own sons more, simply because I can, as they don't take every correction so personally as SD does-from everyone, not just from me. Then I have to try to compesate for that by doing some one on one things with them, trying harder to positively engage them, with what's left over after giving so much to SD AND 2 year old BD who obviously needs me the most.

ALTHOUGH...she actually prefers I correct and doesn't back talk me if I say things calmly- neither BM or DH can refrain from yelling at her. Then she yells louder back and everything escalates. I find myself intervening whenever possible, because SD gets DH so mad that he ends up over reacting to all the kids (and mother hen sorta emerges to protect her brood- all of them.)

Peace, love, and red wine

I am not at all fond of my BF youngest BS. He eats all the time, rarely showers never combs his hair, is overweight and needy. I have tried hard to like this boy but can not. I have two BSs of my own whom I love whole heartly. I do not mistreat him but I do not like spending time around him. He is a spoiled boy not only by his BM but his dad. He is the baby! The BM and my boyfriend feel they failed with the oldest BS and BD so they are extra easy on the baby. It just makes me crazy cuz I despise favoritism. Talk about dysfunctional. it has been 4 yrs and I tolerate him but do not like him...man do I feel better knowing I am not alone!!

Relative to a lot of the kids described here, he's low maintenance.

That said, I like vickiemac have found it helpful to frequently disengage in large part because my way of dealing with issues is different from FH, and I sorta see some ways that they interact as being 'in their blood' so I just have to stand aside, unless I am directly being walked on. Often, I sorta sit there laughing at them BOTH.

At this point, I feel like any affection between me and the son is forbidden so all I demand from him is 'please' and 'thank you' and various greetings (hello, good-bye). Fortunately, he doesn't break too many things. Other things that he does that annoy me, I try to fix without making it a big production. He used to always drop the handtowel on the ground after he was in the bathroom, so I clipped it with a couple clothespins. That worked!! One small thing made me feel SANE.

I don't think you should force yourself to feel love towards a child, anymore than you can force them to love you in return. There really is no bonding substitute for actually giving birth to someone, and even some mothers hate their children.

That said, I feel almost as proud as his dad of him getting a 95% on his geometry midterm exam.

So as a step-mother, don't be so hard on yourself. No emotion, good or bad, can be forced on anyone.