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I Want to leave, but I am scared

strugglingat28's picture

Submitted by strugglingat28 on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 9:48pm

Hi everyone,

I have been thankful for the great support from all of you for the short time I have been a member here. I'm tired of crying and trying so hard to get my husband to understand. He just sees what he wants to see and I feel like he is just waiting for me to make a choice. I'm sure we all have our situations! But, I want to leave deep down in many ways.
I am young, I have no kids of my own, and I live with a child that won't even hug me after four years and tells me that she'll never love me. I've done everything for this girl I can. I love him so incredibly much, but I know that this situation is not likely to improve after over four years. As my husband puts it, "things" have gotten better, but the people (SD and BM/ex) have gotten more and more destructive of both themselves and my life. I have to live with my SD half time. Believe it or not I do love her, even though is lies and manipulates daily. Given all of this, no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to do it. Why?
How did you do it the first time or second for those of you who found the strength and courage to do this? I'm so torn. We've been through years of counseling, and even the counselor doesn't know what else to tell me except to make a choice.
I NEED AS MUCH HELP AND ADVICE AS I CAN GET! After all, you are the ones who can relate and have been through this turmoil and incredible sadness, drama and heartache.

Comments

klinder180's picture

Submitted by klinder180 on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 10:16pm

and I left. I tried to weigh all the options and look at it as objectively as I could. I looked at how much I loved her and how much turmoil the kids made of my life. My situation was different in that I had a daughter who was being effected by everything. Past the situaton and now in my own place, I see how I was also effected by it. The choice has to be yours -- and its not an easy one.

There are many nights I regret the decision to leave, but I know that it was the right one. You have to weigh all of the options. It sounds like the counselor and you have talked about all the pros and cons -- with my situation, I am pretty lucky. My friends know what happened and they tell me I made the right decision. My friends aren't just bullshitting me. They care about me and my daughter.

Listen to the friends and family who know you and the situation. Some things can be resolved with time and sometimes it is worth the fight. Only you can decide whether it is or not though.

If you do decide to stay you need to make sure you take care of yourself -- develop your own hobbies and interests so that the problems don't weigh you down. Spend time making the relationship between you and your husband strong. That might help smooth the rough road between SD and BM/Ex. As you can see though, sometimes that road paved by the ex and SD will always be a tough one. A large number of people in that survey who were asked would they do it again, said no.

It has to be your call. My call was to leave.

Kevin

whoami's picture

Submitted by whoami on Wed, 10/10/2007 - 10:06am

it sounds to me like you might be driving yourself crazy and have exhausted all of your efforts here. i mean if the therapist says it boils down to you making the decision then that's what you need to do. is this a couples therapist? or are you seeing her by yourself? if so then definitely try couples therapy or someone who specializes in relationships/divorce, etc. (if you haven't already)

is there anywhere you can go for a while to clear your head? it sounds like you need it deperately. perhaps a friends or family, a vacation alone, somewhere you can go for a couple weeks to clear your head. this will give you time to really think about things without all of the day to day that is pulling you in every direction.
maybe take the emotion of it for a bit and look at the situaition logically. sit down and write it all down on paper (i know it sounds silly) the pros and cons of you staying or leaving. i would also sit down and list your needs (not to be mistaken for wants) and ask yourself truly if they are being met. if they are not and your DH is not willing to meet them then you should absolutely leave.

also this may sound creepy to you but i have a really good psychic to recommend if your into that sort of thing. she really helped me when i was about to leave.

but it sounds to me like is your husband may not be fighting for this, and you are not sure if you want to anymore? get away if you can and clear your head. before you make your final decision. but you will need to decide once and for all so that you don't make yourself nuts as well as your DH and SD. i am sure they feel your energy and sd might be feeding into that and DH might be throwing his hands in the air not knowing what to do. if your decision has already been made then focus on that and make it finite.

good luck and keep us posted.