My SSs are 11 year old twins. One of them is very much like BM - histrionic, manipulative, thinks people are always out to get him. Three months ago, DH and I finally bought a house. Since we moved in, the SS like BM has come up with all sorts of excuses not to visit. Just tonight, he called DH on the phone (he never calls) and asked if DH could "help" his friend by dropping him off at the football game Saturday. DH said, "yeah, that would be fine." Then SS asked if DH could drop his friend off before the football game. DH said no, he couldn't because he'll be working Saturday morning. SS says "well, how about if my mom drops him off?" DH said, "your mom can drop your friend off if she's around." SS said "and I would just stay with my mom, so she could do that." DH said "no, it's my weekend and I want to spend time with you." Mind you, SS did not ask if his friend could come over and DH was sort of confused as to why the friend needed to be dropped off, but he went along with it. SS called later and told DH "I just miss my mom when I'm with you."

On the last visit, BM texted DH and said "maybe SS should just stay home and I'll take him to his football weigh in on Saturday." DH just replied "no, I'll take him." We have put over 400 miles on the car some weekends and now that we've moved closer, she's concerned about making it more convenient for DH? Then BM was going to show up at the football weigh in (which consisted of putting on his gear, waiting in line, and stepping on a scale), "just in case he needs me." DH didn't reply to that, but then she never showed up. She just called and texted SS after to make sure he was ok.

Before we moved into the house there was a big drama fest because BM accused DH of telling SS that he and his brother were moving in with us when we bought our new house. Then SS told DH, "I don't want to move to (new town)." DH said, "you're not moving to (new town), we are and you'll keep coming to visit on weekends." SS replied, "dad, you're not being truthful. Mom said you're going to take us away from her when you move into your new house." He later told DH "dad, I know secrets about you. Mom told me how you caused the divorce."

Since we moved into our house, all of a sudden, SS can't fall asleep without calling his mother. He then calls and texts her throughout the day. SS has never felt this type of separation anxiety before. Since his divorce, DH had all his visitation weekends at his mother's house. His mother travels a lot, so she was only there about 50% of the time, meaning this SS spent a good chunk of weekends alone with his dad, not missing his mom. After DH and I were engaged, I'd stay with them, too for most of the weekends, so he should be used to staying with me as well.

The only thing that has changed is that DH and I now have a home, which means DH is now established in his life leaving BM to feel threatened. Now, BM calls or texts SS every day when he is with us (which is only four days a month). Often she'll send him texts saying "are you ok?" and asking him "what's wrong?" even when he tells her he's fine. She doesn't call or text his brother at all while he is with us.

Eleven seems way too old to be getting separation anxiety. I feel like I'm just watching a train wreck with him. I'm sure BM feels smug thinking to herself "my child needs me so much that he can't even spend any time with his father." Really, though it seems like she's trying to make him emotionally dependent upon her at a time when he really should be starting to assert some independence. BM hasn't been diagnosed as having BPD, but she exhibits a lot of "borderline tendencies". I feel like I'm watching her make my SS into her borderline child in order to feed her own emotional needs.