I wanted to post this as a forum topic, but for some reason I wasn’t able to enter text. Looking for advice on how to neutralize and shut down efforts made by my SS to be BM’s mouthpiece.

Long story short - BM has “borderline tendencies”, but has not formally been diagnosed. DH limits communication with her. They use Our Family Wizard and he limits responses to clarifying / holding to the agreement and clarifying / revising schedules. BM makes additional attempts to connect in both positive and negative ways, but he typically ignores her. He is direct, but not rude. He is cordial to her when they spend time at the same events, which is rare since SSs don’t do much. BM has successfully meddled with DH’s family and regularly tells them how upset Skids are that she and DH “aren’t friendly” with one another and “don’t get along.” She has been begging DH to go to counseling with her (to do what, I don’t know). He has told her that he prefers parallel parenting and feels that is a good model for them to avoid drama.

Tonight, DH gets the following texts from SS13:

SS: Dad, I want you and mom to go to counseling with [name of counselor SS saw briefly]. I want the two of you to be on good terms. I want you to do this for Other SS and me.

DH: I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling badly. You don’t need to worry about my relationship with your mother, that is an adult issue, not a kid issue. Your mother and I both love you very much. Are you seeing counselor again? Would you like me to go to a session with you to discuss this?

SS: I just want you to be able to talk to one another and be friendly to one another. 

[Note - not sure where this is coming from since DH and BM have not been in the same place since November and how would SS know what DH and BM are talking about?]

DH: I understand that this might be confusing for you, but this is an adult issue and neither your mother nor I should be discussing our relationship with you. 

SS: I just really want you to go to counseling with mom.

At this point, DH stopped responding.

My DH is convinced that SS is not writing these texts. That BM is using SS’s phone to text DH. The only recent interactions BM and DH have had are BM sending DH a message about braces for the other SS and DH reminding her that at their last mediation BM agreed that she would cover 100% of all uninsured medical expenses in exchange for being allowed to deduct her health insurance costs in the child support calculation while still requiring DH to also provide health insurance. This led to angry accusations from her about DH and his lawyer “trying to break” her, when actually her lawyer added that language since she claims that she pays $675 a month just to insure SSs. Then she also sent a message about how she hoped DH would “do the right thing” by taking time off work to go to SSs’ weekday afternoon basketball games (DH ignored this one) while also again pleading to be friends. Neither of these should be issues discussed with either child. BM also accused DH of putting other SS “in the middle” by asking him if he’d talked to BM about switching his drop off time, when he asked DH to pick him up later, even though BM is in charge of drop off. BM oscillates between accusing DH of “putting the children in the middle” and arguing that she has to communicate with DH through the children because according to her, he doesn’t want to hear from her.

So, my question is, how does DH shut down this line of questioning from SS? It’s really none of SS’s business telling DH that he should go to counseling, but BM always allows this SS to decide things - like when he wants to come for visitation - and he and BM are enmeshed, so he doesn’t know where his own feelings end and where BM’s begin.

It’s really miserable to have a kid around who is constantly being BM’s mouthpiece...and constantly reporting back to BM every little thing that happens at our home. DH has already told him that if he doesn’t want to come to our house, that’s his choice (after BM made the claim that it was “traumatic” for SS to come to our home), but as soon as DH told SS that, BM told DH that he had no right to alter the visitation schedule without her permission.