Too Young to Stay Alone for a Weekend
Last weekend - not a visitation weekend for us - BM's company had a no children ski trip. She went with her SO and left SSs (twins, almost 13) home alone with their 17 year old stepbrother. I'm the only one who thinks that's a tad too young to be staying home alone for an entire weekend.
Mind you, the stepbrother has been staying home alone on weekends at least since he was 14. BM used to ask DH to take the stepbrother on his weekends on occasion and DH always declined.
Another interesting thing to note, BM doesn't think that SSs are "mature enough" to go walking with DH on a hunting trip (not shooting, just walking alongside DH and his brother), but she thinks that SSs are mature enough to stay home alone? Neither SS is all that mature. They act much younger than their age when they are around us.
We found out about it this week when SSs told BM. She did not contact DH and ask him to take SSs, because she's now threatening to sue DH to take away some of his time with one SS who doesn't want to come around as much anymore.
I don't think SSs gave DH much detail and he was not as alarmed as I was. I think staying home alone at age 12 is way too young and from what they've told me stepbrother stays in his room with the door shut most of the time. I'm also not sure stepbrother is able to drive or if he had a car available to him while they were gone.
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BM here left SS home with a
BM here left SS home with a 17 yo babysitter when he was 14, for two weeks, while she left the country. CPS and Family Court both said it was fine. We thought it was crazy.
The twins were not left alone
The twins were not left alone, they were left with the 17 year old. I think a lot depends on the 17 year old, his maturity level, and proximity of other adults he could call on in an emergency. I babysat a 5 and a 2 year old for a weekend when I was 16. The parents I was babysitting for left a car, but it wasn't one I'd have been comfortable driving (stick shift). BUT . . . my parents were less than a mile away and I had plenty of babysitting experience. I personally would have offered the twins to their other parent for the weekend before leaving them with the stepbrother, but I would need to know more about the kids involved before concluding they were too young to be left under the stepbrother''s supervision. I guess leaving the kids with their dad didn't fit into BM's plan to try to reduce his custody. SMH.
When I was 16 I watched 3
When I was 16 I watched 3 boys ages 3-7 while their parents were in Europe for over a week...
I was a responsible kid though and had been watching all the boys since I was 12 (Evenings 3-4 times a week)
I'd need to know more about what was going on too as far as his maturity level. Because there are also adults that I wouldn't trust to watch a kid for even a half hour. But overall she should have offered the time to dad.
My parents went away for a
My parents went away for a week when my sister was 17, I was 16, brother was 14, sister was 8. I had been babysitting kids since I was 12, as had older sis. Depends on the maturity level of the 17 year old, but I don’t really see an issue with it.
Maybe it would not have been
Maybe it would not have been your personal choice, I get that. However, I think it's because BM has done this that is winding you up more than necessary? Most of us are here because we have a HCBM we deal with that makes our lives h3ll. So anything they do is automatically more annoying.
The skids are old enough and twins were left with a 17 year old so it really wasn't that bad. Now, if the 17 year old was severely autisic or paralyzed or a criminal, etc, yes it would have been bad. But the twins aren't that young and they were left with a failry normal 17 year old and only for 2/2.5 days. Not that bad - I think it's more who has done it that's getting to you.
Well, the annoying part for
Well, the annoying part for us when BM did it, and probably for OP, too, is that DH would have been happy to take SS14atthetime for 2 weeks - but he wasn't even offered that time, or informed. So it's just another play in the alienation handbook for a lot of these BMs.
Very true...anything they do
Very true...anything they do is against the ex just because they can't get over whatever warped thinking is in their twisted minds.
My mom left me and my brother
My mom left me and my brother home alone for a week when he was 17 and I was 14. She told the neighbor down the road whose kids were in our age and they said they would check in and be there is we needed anything. My aunt and uncle also only live about 10 minutes away and were calling and checking in on us regularly. It was really not a big deal we got up went to school everyday got to our activities. My brother could drive and had a car he still went to work and what not.
It was just a weekend and I do not think it is that bad. I remember watching two kids when I was like 19 or 20 for a week. I got paid it was someone my mom worked with the kids were both under the age of 10. It happens more often than you realize. If there was not 17 year old in house I would say yeah way too young. She may have had an adult checking in like a good neighbor you do not really know.
If this really bothers you get all the facts and go from there but otherwise it really is not that big of deal.I know it upsets you but she is their mom and does have the right to make those decisions.
Maturity level
I personally think 12 is too young to be left alone overnight, with anything other than an adult babysitter whose sole responsibility is to look out for their well-being. I would feel this way if my friend was leaving her 12 year old overnight with a 17 year old. I told my mother about it and she was concerned, so maybe it’s just that our family is more cautious when it comes to these things.
We don’t know much about the stepbrother other than he is somewhat antisocial, stays in his room a lot and SSs are told not to bother him.
SSs are both immature for their age. They can’t even manage to find a restroom at a restaurant without a parent helping them and have only learned how to use both a fork and knife successfully in the last year. Neither could tell me their mailing address when asked. They also fight and one is now strong enough to hurt the other. Finally, I’m not sure they know who to call for help. BM regularly tells them not to tell DH when she is away, so they would hesitate to call him. Maybe they would call a friend whose parent intervened.
I will add that BM used to tell DH that he was being neglectful by leaving SSs with me during the day, so yes, it does bother me more that she thought it was okay to leave them for a weekend with a 17 year old. And she wasn’t saying it was neglectful because of anything to do with me, she was saying it because she thinks DH should spend every minute with SSs when they are with him...to “sacrifice” his time because in her mind, she sacrifices so much of her own time as the custodial parent.
What you have here are two
What you have here are two separate issues: first, are the boys old enough and mature enough to stay home; second, BM talking out of both sides of her mouth.
Are the kids old enough and mature enough? No idea. I used to babysit my teen/preteen siblings on weekends when I was 17/18/19 while my mom and SF went away on weekends. If my dad was off work, he'd take them. Otherwise, they stayed with me. I worked most weekends and wanted to hang out with friends, so they spent good chunks of time at home alone.
Wanna know what they did? What most teens do - stayed in their rooms playing games or were in the living room watching television. I was threatened under penalty of death if something happened to them, and they knew if I got in trouble, THEY got in trouble. They had access to a house phone, several phone numbers, and knew to escape if there was a fire. If there was a burglar, we'd all be dead because I certainly didn't have the ability to fend us off (not sure I do now, or that most people could in the heat of the moment).
So, if they are 12 and spend most of their time indoors, and brother spends most of his time indoors, and they are pretty mundane kids (minus fighting), it's probably okay IMO.
NOW, does that make it any less annoying because of BM being BM? Of course not. But you cannot let her stance ans accusations on DH and you affect your judgment of the situation. I'm not saying definitively that you are, but it's very easy for us to allow our dislike of BMs to cloud our judgment of situations. The kids have to be judged based on their own merits, not on BM.
In my opinion...
...my SSs are not mature enough to be home alone for an extended period of time without adult supervision. From what I know about stepbrother, I do not think he’s responsible enough to be an adult stand-in. However, as I told my own mother, I can’t be the one who cares more about this than either of their parents, so I just have to put it out of my mind.
But this isn't you caring
But this isn't you caring more. This is you having a differing opinion.
It was BM's time and she felt her kids were old enough and mature enough. She knows them better than you do. Your DH seemingly agrees that it isn't that big of a deal. Most of us here seemingly agree it isn't that big of a deal.
When kids are ACTIVELY in harm's way and both parents just let it happen, then yes, that's when the phrase "can't care more than the parents" come into play. However, neither child was hurt or died. BM made a decision based on her understanding of the situation. You disagreeing isn't caring more; it's just you disagreeing.
One is a troublemaker
I will also add that one SS is a “follower” who is desperate to seem cool. He has been featured in videos posted by his friends (at age 11) where they were all discussing sexual explicit things (which they did not understand, but thought it was cool to talk about). DH said something to him and he cried to BM who told him DH was just being mean. She told DH she wasn’t concerned about any of it, because she “trusted” the other kids mom (which she shouldn’t based on other things this kid has posted).
This SS has also texted with his friends about JUULing. When I had a conversation with both him and his brother about JUULing without referencing his texts, he played dumb as if he didn’t know what it was. I know BM doesn’t even know JUULing exists. So, in my mind, there are reasons to be concerned about their lack of supervision, but that extends beyond the weekend alone, because I honestly think BM is rarely paying attention and also wants her children to be part of the “cool crowd” (because she never was), so in my view, is less likely to step in.
IMO, it depends on the
IMO, it depends on the maturity level of the one left in charge. My parents left us 5 kids home alone for a week when my maternal grandmother passed away. My oldest brother was 17. I was 8.
Our parents left me and my
Our parents left me and my younger brother with our older brother many times. But I come from a time and region where I was babysitting three kids under 5 by age 12. I was in charge of my little brother from after school until about 6 p.m. at which point my parents would be home and the dinner I had prepared was almost done.
I understand complaining about the BM's double standards. But if these kids are as helpless as they sound, a little independence and self reliance is probably a good thing.
I think BM is lucky the 17
I think BM is lucky the 17 year old did not have a party while she was gone. All it takes is for the 17 year old to invite a couple of friends over and mention he's in charge for the weekend. Word spreads, and suddenly there are hoards of teens at the house.
So, no, I don't think it was a good idea for BM to leave three minors alone for a weekend.
17 year old
I think the 17 year old stepbrother is pretty anti-social, so no danger of throwing a party. But I know it's only a matter of time before one SS is hosting parties at home in BM's absence.
As a child of the 80's I
As a child of the 80's I remember being pretty free range and independent and not being babysat at all. We were given boundaries/rules and expected to stick to them (not that we did). My friends and I would roam free at 8 yrs old with no adult supervision or if there was actually any it would be someone making sure we were alive at the end of the day.
I personally think at 12/13 there really is no need for babysitting and the 17 yr old is practically an adult so the situation was fine. You'd gasp at some of the stories from my extended family. One relative left her younger children in the care of her young teens for MONTHS after her husband died. She gave them some cash and told them to pick fruit off the trees. Amazingly everyone survived and no authorities intervened. The kids just kept telling everyone that their mother was at work.
Same here! No one even cared
Same here! No one even cared where I was all day. Off and on, when I was between the ages of 10-18, My sister and I (she's 2 years older) were left alone for weeks at a time, with maybe a visit from my dad to give us money to go buy groceries. Now, this is extreme and I'm definitely not defending it- social services got involved and we were sent to live with our aunt and then into foster care for a year, until I was 13. But at 13, I moved in with my dad again, my sister was gone, so I was left alone again for weeks. Having been raised like this and knowing that I turned out fine and it taught me responsibility early on, I personally don't see a problem with leaving them alone for a wknd. As long as they have people to contact if they need something, and are in contact with a parent. (The double-standard crap from BM is another story and I would be really annoyed by that as well). I prefer to see parents give kids opportunities to be independent than be coddled and never taught how to take care of themselves.
I get where you're coming
I get where you're coming from completely OP. About a year ago BM messaged us asking if we could watch the skid who was 15 at the time after school each day because her mom worked until about 1 a.m. and she felt like she didn't trust her at home alone. BM changed her mind and ended up letting her stay home after school every day and also for a long weekend when she was out of the country rather than leaving her with us.
The after-school things us wasn't a big deal except that she was doing poorly I a lot of her classes and I think staying with us would have been beneficial to make sure that she was keeping up on homework and stuff not that you should have two at that age. The trip out of the country though definitely upset us. Luckily BM randomly decided to have her stay at her aunt's house instead.
We found out months later that skid was literally planning an orgy The Weeknd her mom was going to be out of town. She also had slept with at least three different guys in the couple of months she was being left at home after school.
I had left home by the time I
I had left home by the time I was17. My younger sister often stayed with me. No problem. I knew how to handle all bills , running household. I think it depends on your expectations.
OP, this would be a no-no for
OP, this would be a no-no for me. WTF? My son (11) is super responsibile (about these kinds of things) and I'm sure he would be fine. But I wouldn't do it. My partner doesn't even like him left alone for an hour although I think BS likes having the house to himself sometimes. My OSS (12) would be fine, too - maybe - as long as my son was there, too. (He's directionally challenged - so if he left the house I'd worry he'd never find his way back.) YSS 10 has common sense but rarely chooses to display it when other kids are around (at least while adults are watching) and he's a daredevil who has had injuries. We never leave them all alone for longer than a trip to the grocery store.
Anyway, there are guidelines for this in this country (though these aren't laid down in statute).
...and they will prosecute if they think the child is in danger.