We're moving across country...will the SK have a horrible life b/c of it?
So yesterday, FH got a really good job offer in CA and he's taking it! 
I'm going to transfer to a station there, as I work at the airport so the process isn't that tedious. We are both excited by it because there are WAY MORE opportunities for career growth for both of us there, as opposed to the small college town we currently live in (where there is no room for growth). The only drawback, is that SD2 will still be in FL with her mom 
. We've figured out that she will visit holidays and summers, but I guess I'm asking if anyone else has this situation? In your experience, is the child negative;y affected by BD living states away from them? Can they be well adjusted with visits and LOTS of skyping and phone calls?
We're just nervous that SD2 will suffer for the choices we've made about this move. HELP!! :?
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Congratulations. I can't get
Congratulations. I can't get BF to move 20 minutes away from FSD10 so I don't have to drive an hour to work.
Well it's not a choice I
Well it's not a choice I would make personally. However, I know many that have done it and their children seem to be normal kids. It really just depends on how involved he wants to be in her day-to-day life. That's distance is going to prevent his attendence at school events, dance recitals, sporting events, award ceremonies, etc. These are all things that once lost out on, he'll never have the chance to experience. Plus as she gets older, she might not want to spend her summers and holidays away from her friends and her 'home base'.
My DH has been laid off work for about a year now and has had to pass up a couple of opportunities out of state because it's more important to us that we maintain a residence within driving distance of the kids.
I wouldn't clasify the BM we
I wouldn't clasify the BM we deal with as cooperative. However, we do have a solid court order in place for visitation and they have followed it for the past 7+ years. Our kids are older too so they can call us and keep us informed about their activities so we are kept in the loop. They like having us there so they do a good job of keeping us posted.
Congratulations!! my 2 cents
Congratulations!!
my 2 cents probably won't come as a surprise, but if dh is willing to do it ~~ go for it! imagine all the possible future drama you may be avoiding...
however, this move is probably going to cost dh in cs ~~ make sure the promotion is worth it b/c i know in fl, they can review income every three years for increases and decreases (hahahahaha ~ like that would ever happen)... and there's a bunch of three years if skid is 2...
Pros: *You are further away
Pros:
*You are further away from BM and her drama
*You have to interact with BM less often
*You'll have career growth
Cons:
*You won't be able to see skids as much
*You won't be able to go to their school/extracurricular events
*BM's PAS campaign will probably increase
*As Crayon said, BM will try to replace DH as Daddy with her partner
*Your CS obligations will increase
*If your DH calls skids, BM might just let it roll over to the answering machine and not have skids call him back
*All of these factors listed above under "cons" might lead to DH having a damaged relationship with SD, or worse, they won't have a relationship.
We have never lived closer to
We have never lived closer to my Skids BioDad than 1500 miles. Since he was 2yo our son (my SS-17) has traveled for visitation with BioDad and the SpermClan. Our visitation schedule is 5wks Summer, ~1wk Winter and 1 Wk Spring. BioDad had someone pick him up and escort him on visitation until he was old enough to fly unaccompanied minor. My wife would fly to pick up the kid and bring him home or we would buy a ticket for one of her family members or friends to escort the kid home and stay for a visit.
Though not without its drama, my Skid has had a pretty good life living with his mom and I while having visitation with the SpermClan. I see no reason why moving to CA would ruin your Skids life. If you and your husband have a good marriage and can work together on parenting the Skid when you have her then her life, and yours, should be fine.
In our case BioDad and SpermGrandMa are toothless morons who cause a ton of drama but that really has nothing to do with the quality of SSs life. He has some behavioral and emotional issues due to the influence of the poluted end of his gene pool but that has nothing to do with the proximity of the two sides of his blended family.
Good luck and best regards.
it's so good to hear that
it's so good to hear that these things can work out positively. Do you think your SS doenst have a good relationship with his BD and family b/c they're moroms, or b/c they're so far away?
Definately because they are
Definately because they are morons.
BioDad was 22 when my SS (his oldest child) was born. My wife was 16. He is at worst a serial statutory rapist and at best has a history of inapropriate sexual relationships with minors. He went on have three more out-of-wedlock children with two more mothers. The three youngest of his children were all abandoned by BioDad and their mothers on SpermGrandMas doors step.
BioDad lives in a rental property owned by SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa and pays no rent.
SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa pay his CS obligation for my son and for BioDad's half of visitation travel expenses for my SS's court ordered visitation.
SpermGrandMa insists on defending her worthless POS son in all things when dealing with Family Court and in any interface with us but spends significant time badmouthing him to my SS and the three younger half sibs.
Their visitation activities include SpermGrandMa driving all four kids to the house BioDad lives in, parking a few houses down then sending the kids sneaking in to the back yard to catch BioDad or his GF/WombDonor of the week sneaking out of the back window of the house when SpermGrandMa rings the doorbell then lets her self in.
There are countless stories I can recount about the poluted end of my SS's gene pool.
Even though visitation is only 7wks/yr his time with the SpermClan has resulted in significant baggage he will have to overcome as he matures in to adulthood.
However, I am grateful that we are not close enough to them for an EOW/EOWE schedule. Our son (my SS-17) would have no chance of ever becoming a viable adult if he had to see those dip shits every week.
I am absolutely sure that in the case of my SS and his SpermClan the lack of respect he as for them has nothing to do with living far away from them.
Best regards.
our BM has said that she may
our BM has said that she may move out to CA in 2yrs whn she earns her degree, but then again...she says a lot of things. I'm hopeful that she'll follow through with this.
Super Step-Mommy, DH is
Super Step-Mommy,
DH is military. The second time BM divorced him, she filed a restraining order because she was "fearful for her safety" (the man cringes when I raise my voice) and fled four states away with his 6-yr-old daughter. Not too long after, he moved to NC, which is 900 miles away from BM and SD. He didn't have any choice in the matter, because, well, it's the military. DH was never really heavily engaged in SD-now-14's life; he was an infantryman and never had the choice to be home for SD's birthday (the second week of January) except for her first. Between deployments and training in the field, he was always a part-time parent.
We get SD14 for a week around Xmas, sometimes Thanksgiving, and up to six weeks in the summer. BM is a nasty verbally-abusive bitch who says catty things about DH and I, but that's nothing new. She even makes fun of HER DH to the kids behind his back. But as long as she gets both her CS and her time off in the summer, she's reasonably happy. DH pays all transportation costs with the exception of the unaccompanied minor airline fee, which BM tried to get out of this summer by telling the airline SD was 15. (she got busted, and the cash came out of her drinkin' money)
At this point, SD14 is becoming aware that her mother isn't really a very nice person - she walks away when BM starts to badmouth us. SD likes us because I guess we could be called Disneyland parents - we don't backhand her for "smarting off" (forgetting to say ma'am or sir when acknowledging orders) or scream at her over nothing. She also gets a break from being at her 6-yr-old brother's beck and call. We're very low key; there's no constant entertaining her unless sitting and talking to her and allowing her to ask questions and express opinions is considered entertainment.
I have to admit, SD14 was always a pretty good kid, and now that she's out of the selfish and whiny tween stage, she's a considerate young lady who is really a joy to be around. She's very unlike most of the skids I've heard of on this site. That's why I stopped blogging - I have absolutely nothing to complain about with regard to SD14, it's her BM who drives me nuts, and I just don't interact with her EVER.
That's one of the big pros; no dealing with psycho BM unless it's on your terms. You also get 99% uninterrupted time with your DH.
Trish, It is great that you
Trish,
It is great that you have a great relasionship with SD dispite the misfortune of the poluted end of her gene pool provided by BM.
My SS-17 and I are pretty close and he, his mom and I have a great time togehter ...... most of the time.
Fortuneatly for SS his mom is his CS and the gene pool polution only comes during Summer, Winter and Spring visitations.
Best regards.
Eh Rags, I have to give BM
Eh Rags, I have to give BM credit where it is due.
After divorcing my husband (for the second time) she manned up (womaned up?) and got a job after years of not being able to get/keep a job while married. She does not do drugs, and doesn't live in squalor. There is food (although not very healthy) in the house.
She hasn't asked for a CS adjustment in 8 years - I think that's because she believes that DH is a loser who can't afford more, but the judge bent him over so severely that the CS was set at a rate that is just now in line with state regulations after 8 years of 4% pay raises and three promotions, so we let it ride.
SD14 is a straight-A student in honor band who is compassionate and respectful to adults, but she also cringes and apologizes when an adult looks at her sideways and calls herself stupid for inconsequential everyday 'oops' moments. I suspect she may be emotionally abused, but there is literally nothing we can do about it other than show her that healthy relationships don't HAVE to be that way.
My issues with BM stem from the way she bad-mouths DH to SD14 and (until he grew a backbone) would call him up and demand more money/berate him. BM remarried 4 years ago, and lives beyond her means. She has a new convertible every two years, (she's on #3) they live in a new $300k house with a pool and a housekeeper, but the refrain (when asking for school clothes or school activities) is "we can't afford that". BM sets herself up as a WONDERFUL compassionate church-going paragon of virtue, but managed to get knocked up with other men's children (while married to my husband) twice, and backstabs and talks crap about literally everybody. She told SD14 (14!!) that she "needs a boyfriend". She also tells SD14 that "daddy still loves me. Not romantically, but he cares about me." (Pardon me while I laugh) Essentially, she never grew up past the emotionally-stunted 16-yr-old "I want" popularity seeking bitch.
We're counting down the months (46!) until SD14's high school graduation. We've already established to SD14 that BM has NOTHING to do with how we feel about her - she'll be getting a car and college help while BM gets a letter directing her to cease all contact with us under the threat of pressing harassment or cyberstalking charges. She's going to lose ~$10k/year in CS and tax credits, and if $100 is enough to break her budget (as her airport shenanigans indicate) I'm going to enjoy watching her realize 20% of her income is gone.
Trish, We just hit the HS
Trish,
We just hit the HS graduation milestone with my SS. He will be 18 in less than two months so we will never have to put him on a plane to be infected with the SpermClan toxicity every again once he gets home from Summer visitation.
The pittance in CS that my wife has received over the past 16yrs is inconsequential to us (thankfully) and will go directly to my SS until age 21 when he decides to go to college. He is not sure what he wants to do at this point but he will figure it out. He is well aware that nailing BioDad for CS while in college opens up a ton of support from his mom and I. We will do what it takes to keep BioDad on the hook financially for as long as possible. Actually he has never paid his own CS. His mommy pays it for him and raises his younger three out-of-wedlock spawn in her home while BioDad lives rent free in one of his parents rental properties.
Petty I know but BioDad can stay on the hook financially for as long as possible as far as I am concerned since the pittance in CS is the only thing of value my son has gotten from the entire SpermClan. They have not supported him emotionally or in any of his personal efforts and accomplishments so money is all he will ever get from them that is of value.
The only value to the name is what my son will accomplish.
I certainly understand your excitement in getting past the CS phase so that BM will have to wake up and smell the manure of her life without your families contribution to her excessive life style.
Good luck and best regards.