SS wants to Kybosh wedding!?
I am mom of 2 boys and a SM to one boy. We are planning a wedding for this August and my SS (with support from his counselor)wants us to put it off until he is 18. He is 14 now and they claim he needs his dad to put him as #1 priority in his life, the BM as #2 and I could be #3. This boy has come in and out of our lives and played our hearts like a harp. I am very exhausted and not wanting to put our wedding off any longer as we have waiting for more than 3 years as it is for things to get better between him and his dad. The counselor actually said to him that if I really loved him I would be ok with postponing the wedding. My SS has come to his dad now after almost a year of no contact and wants this as a condition to rebuild their relatioship. Our wedding is in 6 weeks and everything is set.
Am I wrong to feel this is a little much? I do not know what to do. We are both caught in the middle in some aspects.
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^^ well put Tog. Biggest
Yes she found the woman. of
Yes she found the woman. of course!
I asked the woman for her
I asked the woman for her credentials and she just stated that she has over 8 years experience in Phycho therapy and blah blah. no certificates on the wall becasue she rents a space below the church. My Fiance is not willing to put off the wedding and it was suggested and pushed on us again today that I would be standing in the way of them having a relationship if we decided to wed as planned. This has been going on for years now and we have fought for more time in court and gone to numerous couselors, mediators and to BC childrens hospital as my SS has anxiety and the BM felt maybe he had something diagnosable. I sware its a form of munchhowsen(sp?) and he is also a classic case of PAS. I'm talking textbook!!!
Oh hell to the no! That
Oh hell to the no!
That counselor is cray to the ZEE! What does that teach him? That life revolves around him!
And that DH should put BM as #2 in DH's life? That's just idiotic!
I agree if you SO is ready to
I agree if you SO is ready to put aside your wedding just b/c his kid wants him too then its time to walk. I'd be tell him that if he can't or wont commit now when our wedding is already set then you will find someone who will put you first. No way should a child be first in any relationship expect for abuse. The ex oh hell no should she be in any kind if consideration at all!
What kind of credentials does
What kind of credentials does that "counselor" have? Just about anyone can call themselves a counselor.
A licensed clinical psychologist or a licensed clinical social worker or a psychiatrist actually have to have board certification and real licensing. An unethical one can be reported to their respective boards.
Someone that majored in psychology in college (at a sub par school) can call themselves a counselor. Now some can actually be good. But many do more harm than good.
I have some close friends who are psychiatrists and licensed clinical social workers who have worked in respected psych hospitals. They would NEVER in a zillion years give stupid advice like that.
Children DO NOT get to tell
Children DO NOT get to tell adults what to do, this behavior and drive by some quacks is why our society is going to shit. Dad should tell the kid to mind his own business and remind him child vs parent parent over rules EVERY time. Kid needs a different councilor if your SO is even considering BM and kid ahead of you, get out it'll be misery even after the kid is 18, heck then he'll decide you have to wait till he's 25.
Has dad actually talked to
Has dad actually talked to this supposed counselor? Or is this what the kid is telling dad that the counselor supposedly said?
this is what went down in a
this is what went down in a meeting last week. and again today to me she kept asking me if I really wanted to stand in the way of their having a realtioship by going forward with the wedding? She made me so mad!
You haven't mentioned your
You haven't mentioned your fiancé's response or thoughts.....what does he say about these conditions?
No child should ever have that much control over their parents lives, that is ludicrous! Not sure if your SS is just making this up, I hope so cuz if not that's a terrible counselor and surely doing far more harm than good! Also, no WAY should BM be even a thought much LESS a priority!! Wow! If your fiancé doesn't marry you as planned, hard as it will be, you and your kids should move on...that's no way to live.
Holy Crap. That is one of the
Holy Crap. That is one of the most ridiculous statements made by a blended family counselor.
Sit that dumbass down, look him/her in the eye and very clearly state that families are not a democracy run by the children. It's a benevolent dictatorship run by the adults. End.Of.Story.
Then I would probably put a boot in that counselor's ass. Kid's first, BM second and you possibly third?? Bullshit. It's your marriage first, the needs of the family and BM can go to hell. She is NOT part of your family and she has NO priority in your home (outside of being the bulls-eye on the dartboard).
I certainly hope your DF is not considering this change, because if he is......then he has given you something to think about.
Ok...so my fiance came home
Ok...so my fiance came home and now has a different outcome. Somehow my SS has changed his tune. He now wants his dad to be happy and is ok with us getting married. Oh please let me off this rollercoaster!! So they will be rebuilding their relationship with out me in the picture at all because he feels I'm a mean lady, but hey. thats fine with me .... for now. But not sure how long I can manage to be on the side lines while my fiance leeds a seperate life with him. Counselor wants there to be a seperate home for them to go to while they see each other where myself and my boys are not and where they can have sleep overs for few days at a time. How long do I give this? I want them to have a relationship, but not at the expense of my marriage.
LOL, buy him a tent &
LOL, buy him a tent & sleeping bag as your wedding gift.
Sure you are mean!! You
Sure you are mean!! You don't have YOUR world revolving around a child that is not yours. BM and SS are ALL for your SO not moving on with his life, they are looking for "them" to be a family. Your SO needs to make it very clear to this councilor, SS and BM that although he wants a relationship with his son that he draws the line on SS and BM running the show.
SS says that he wants your SO to be happy, but is he just saying this to his face and giving BM a different story?
This councilor needs to be given the boot, obviously she is not well versed in blended family issues. I do not know any councilors, personally, that would ever tell an adult that a child must be #1 priority in their life. Marriage is #1 priority, children are #1 responsibility. Find a councilor that UNDERSTANDS blended family issues and Parental Alienation Syndrome, I'm sure the tune will be different after sessions with someone that understands those aspects.
I just read all this to my dh
I just read all this to my dh he said
"The kid is 14 it is time for him to grow the fuck up"
Yep that he my dh love him! But really that is the mist stupid thing ever to give a kid that much power! And a separate home?? WTF?! You need to put your foot down now and if your bf is insisting then time to move on as it will only get worse!
Funny! I said the same thing
Funny! I said the same thing to the counselor and she said he can't he may be 14 but he is more like a 10 year old because he has been not allowed to grow up due to being sheltered by his mom and blahblahblah. OMG!!! So frustrating how great a manipualtor he is at such a young age!
If your Fiance is even
If your Fiance is even considering this crap and hasn't a thought to get a 2nd opinion then I would put off the wedding.
This boy has had plenty of time to acclimate to having a SM and S/brothers around. 3 years. Since he was 11. Yet he has CHOSEN to stay away and now is attempting to emotionally blackmail his father for not making his life perfect.
As for now ALLOWING the wedding to proceed ... this is what he thinks and does. He can see his father will not budge on delaying the wedding. So he is giving his BLESSING for it to proceed with the concept that HE is allowing the wedding to happen and at any time he can stop it in its tracks with a word like "No!"
This manchild should spend quality time with his father and re-connect with him. Maybe it means a fishing trip or hiking trip alone. All bio kids deserve time alone with their bio parent. The 'special time' should not be in their own space like an apartment. It should be outside doing something like a sport or swimming or hiking or repairing a car. Or helping out with a Habitat for Humanity house. Then afterwards manchild is delivered back to his mother and not ALLOWED to come to your home yet. Not until he is comfortable in his relationship with his father. YOU get to decide when he can come to stay. YOU get to make the decision whether the relationship is strong enough. Not this manchild being given all the power. DH tells manchild he is not comfortable with his attitude to expose his wife to his sons bad behaviour. And manchild needs to prove to his father he is WORTHY of being in his life again.
Thank you Oneoffour, I will
Thank you Oneoffour, I will take this advice! Turns out a couple weeks before the wedding they called for a break in the counseling sessions and visits and since then we have not heard from him at all. I am not happy about this as it just proves... well, a number of things really. I am so don't with this boy. I will support any relationship his dad is willing to have with him, but I can totally see through his little act and will never trust him again.
Please fire this counselor.
Please fire this counselor. ASAP. In my state as a therapist I am required to post my credentials in my office- it doesn't matter if its a rented space or not. I also am a therapist and would never say anything so ridiculous. In fact I am getting kinda pissy thinking about it. How dare she try to guilt you into not marrying the man you love. This counselor and this kid are a dynamic duo. For sure. They've been given way too much power over your life, your relationship, your family. Again, fire the counselor and show ss his p lace in the family. As a child. One who can respectfully share his opinion but does not dictate anything.
I am going to contact a
I am going to contact a counselor for my fiance and I today and try to get started with that ASAP. I can't believe how quickly he is eccepting his son back. There is talk of taking him on a trip to California a week or so before our wedding and that the SS wants an allowance and a list of other small things written down so his dad won't forget. I am all for this, but why is it he can just be rewarded these great things when they have JUST begun to work on their relationship. Is it the things he misses when he is at our place or is it the relatioship with his dad? I am so leary of this little boy it is not funny! I do not trust him. We have incured a lot of expense with lawyers and court appearances trying to get the SS to be at our house for more time to NO avail! We are almost finished completely renovating our house and with our wedding in 6 weeks(modest backyard wedding) We have little money to be taking an absentee SS on a whim to california. I haven't even been out of the country on a trip like that!! Is it just me or does this not wave a red flag that his motives are not as purely realtionship orientated? It has been lass than a week that the communication has restarted after almost a year of NOTHING! I am so afrad this may be the demise of our relationship. We had decided after this last refusal to come to our place; out of more than 6 or so times of this BS, that we are going to move on with our lives and although it saddend us we were happy to have some stability and NO drama. I am trying to raise my 2 teenage boys and they pose their own set of daily challenges.
I appriciate this sight tremendously and am open to all critism and advice you can offer. It is funny how there are a lot of similar ways of thinking and I have been showing this to my fiance as well. And he is taking it all in. There is hope.
Sometimes I would like to
Sometimes I would like to crawl in a cozy spot and hide from everything! I'm exhausted with all this drama and how the mother is still trying so hard to savatoge our realtionship. My fiance is very hopefull that this new way of dealing with his son will be the possible solution. I am nervous and excited because I am trying to focus on our upcoming wedding and my mohter moving to place just down the road from us dealing with banks and working and on and on! I can't wait for the wedding day to come and we can all relax.
This will not get better once
This will not get better once you're married. In fact, it will get worse. Your SS is manipulating your SO by changing his tune. Which means he will continue to tell you one thing and his father another.
I will not advise you to end your relationship but you may want to consider postponing your wedding. It sounds like your SO is buying into what the counselor is telling everyone.
If I were in your shoes, I would postpone the wedding and move out. I would tell my SO that we should get couples counseling from a verified and credentialed therapist. And that the wedding will not happen until you're has guided you both to a point where you're on the same page.
This kid is pulling the strings of your household and it's time to take them back.
I'm very afraid that after
I'm very afraid that after the wedding the drama will only escalate. Most likely, you are dealing with a personality-disordered BM who hates your SO with a burning passion. The child is simply a weapon to be used to hurt her ex. I watched a similar scenario unfold in my own life. Here is how it went:
I met my DH 4 years ago. He danced to BM's tune concerning SD, then 11, with EOW and Tue/Wed night visitation, and any other time BM said, anywhere she said. After we became more serious and decided it was time for me to meet SD (6 months or so), I tried to meet BM first, have a conversation, like normal people would, so she could see I was not a freak and her child would be safe with me. She could never find the time, so we went ahead, SD really liked me, but the next thing you know, SD wasn't "comfortable" being alone in the car with her father. This progressed to not being "comfortable" with overnights at his home. There was a therapist involved who was seeing SD, who supported this distancing, and it progressed to DH being essentially asked to submit to supervised visits, agreeing to never being alone with SD. DH refused, and didn't see SD for months. We married, and he moved in with me. Some contact with SD resumed, but on DH's terms. All throughout this, there was drama, and court appearances and stress. 3.5 years ago, guess what?? SD gets picked up for a weekend visit before Christmas, and BM calls to tell DH "Don't bring her back". So after being married for 6 months, I suddenly become the SM of a 12 year old girl. Full-time. BM takes only EOW. 47.5 hours, twice a month. She would not spend a single extra minute with SD.
So the progression for BM was:
1. Control every aspect of SD's interaction with her father.
2. When that is resisted, PAS SD to be "uncomfortable" with her father.
3. Escalate PAS to maintain control of the situation, and hurt DH.
4. Attempt to ruin DH's new relationship with me by applying stress at every opportunity.
5. When that failed, and we married, attempt to ruin marriage by dumping screwed-up kid on us.
6. Surprise, SD thrives for 20 months, is happy, has friends, school success. BM can't stand it.
So what happened then? PAS by BM resumed by phone, any parental decision made by DH is challenged. A new counselor is insisted upon. SD spends HOURS on the phone with BM. We are unable to limit her access. On one of BM's weekends, SD makes a suicide threat. Counseling escalates to include psychiatrist, and meds. DH is constantly having to deal with BM intruding on counselor and psychiatrist visits "to support her daughter". Escalates to parking lot screaming match with DH. SD wants to return to BM. DH allows it. He hasn't seen SD since. That has been almost a year. He has filed for contempt of the CO, judge finds BM in contempt, but allows SD to remain with her, and not see DH or speak to him (not even phone calls for several months now).
So the progression for BM is:
7. She hurts DH by ruining SD's happiness and normal life.
8. She hurts DH by alienating SD from him.
9. She hurts DH by withholding visits and phone contact with SD.
10. She hurts DH by supporting SD's desire to have no contact with DH.
11. She attempts to impoverish us by constant stupid court battles.
Now, SD is 15. She is in an "alternative" school. She did not pass 9th grade. She goes to counseling twice a week, one is "Family Therapy" with BM, and takes 4 different meds. that she doesn't need. She simply needs effective parenting, which she got from her father but not her mother.
I guess my reason for telling you all this is to make you aware that much of what you see is directly coming from BM. The child is a tool. He will be used to hurt his father in as many ways as can be thought of by BM. Your marriage isn't the threat, it is the prospect of you SO being happy, and possibly getting his testicles out of BM's clutches.
We believe SD's mother has borderline personality disorder. She will not get better. Your BM may have some other kind of disorder. Read a little on the subject. It will scare you. If I had known earlier what I know now, I may have made different choices. We expect that now that DH has created boundaries with BM and taken control of his life from her, she will attempt to hurt him by ruining SD. And there is not a single thing we can do to stop her. That is the reality of dealing with crazy. There are always "professionals" that can be bought to say whatever BM wants. And the court system will do nothing, especially with a teen.
Good luck.
This all sounds very much
This all sounds very much like my situation!!! He was happy and growing strong and standing up for himself more over at our house and then Boom! He stopped coming over because he didn't feel "Comfortable: alone with me. They continually tried to accuse me and my boys of abusing him which at one point they admitted to as being a total lie to the therapists at BC childrens hospital. My fiance is trying his best and it is so stressful I can not take much more. I am alomost 100% sure she has Borderline personality disorder and possibly Bi-polar.
If you could have done things different what would you have done nothinforya?
We underestimated the crazy
We underestimated the crazy and the damage it could do. But we didn't understand the dynamics until I found this site and started reading here and elsewhere. SD was a sweet kid, and we did all we could to give her a taste of normal life with a happy marriage as an example of how life could be. It was a real shock to have SD full time so early in our marriage, and I got caught up in trying to be better than her mother. My own little bit of crazy...but the real trouble started when SD didn't like having expectations on behavior and school work, and started pitting BM and DH against each other, thriving on the drama. I'd never experienced anything like it. When you have no idea such situations exist, it is really difficult to see what's really going on. It took a long time to see it, and once we did, we decided to put an end to the arguing with BM completely, so neither BM nor SD was able to control anyone with drama. By then, SD was so PAS'd against DH that he wasn't seeing her anyway, so he gave BM complete legal and physical custody, and let whatever decisions she makes be the ones SD has to live with. That is the end result we came to, and it has broken DH's heart, but he understands that he's damned either way. As it stands now, SD can be mad because he "abandoned her" to her crazy mother. If he had continued the battle he would be blamed for not "respecting her choice" and creating stress all the time with conflict with BM. So there is no winning. Maybe when SD is older, she may see the reality, but I think chances are small that will happen.
I feel so sorry for SD. She really missed her mother when she got dumped on out doorstep. All she had was a bag of thrift shop stained torn clothes. She didn't even have a pair of presentable underpants. She thought is was okay to butter her toast with her finger. I could go on and on, but she was very immature for 12, had clearly been neglected as far as wardrobe and hygiene (she smelled really bad) and had no friends, was bullied at school and was struggling academically. But the new wardrobe, healthy diet, welcoming home for the new friends she made, etc., didn't compensate for the loss of her mother. And may I add, this child was breastfed past her 5th birthday. It made her very dependent on her mother. That was the genesis of the suicide threat, made on BM's weekend, as this desperate child tried to get the bitch to pay some REAL attention to her, not just attention designed to hurt DH. I don't know how it is now with her. I think she is back to dressing in yard sale clothes, she failed 9th grade, and is an "alternative" school with the misfits. All these things hurt DH, and me, because she could have had a normal high school life with us. We were fully prepared to do all that was necessary.
The choice we made may not be for you. If you go the other way, and continue the conflict, be prepared for constant interference and endless drama, because that is what feeds the crazy. It can escalate. Accusations can be made that cannot be refuted. Suppose SS says one of your boys abused him sexually? I would NEVER leave them alone together. Or be alone with him yourself. Your DH should be careful, also. Mainly, we recognized that the only way SD could have peace was to stop the conflict between her parents. We tried with a CO written so strictly that every detail was included, everything we could think of that could be a problem was laid out. It was a failure because BM still had ways to create drama. There is always a way, if they want to find it.
To answer your question, if I could go way back, to the beginning, I would have stopped DH from trying to re-establish normal weekend visitation. I would have not made it possible for him to hire a lawyer and fight BM (~$20K out of pocket for all the hearings, motions, etc., for custody, visitation, CS, and show cause petitions). He could never have afforded it on his own. That might have kept BM from dumping her on us, but maybe not. After that happened, we did what we could to keep our sanity. If we had raised the specter of PAS earlier, maybe that would have made a difference. Your situation with the therapist is very concerning, because that person is also a tool of BM, used to get what SHE wants. It's not about SS. I would advise keeping that in the forefront of your thinking. The child is a tool. Try to see what harm he is being used to do to your DH and your family. That will help you have more clarity. It is about taking from your DH, and hurting him, not SS's wellbeing.
Situations like yours are the
Situations like yours are the reason I stay around here, even without SD under my roof any longer. If I can use what happened to me to help someone else, maybe it wasn't all a waste.
Is there some way to find out
Is there some way to find out a counselors credentials and or job history/qualifications?
So just to update all of you
So just to update all of you who have given me some really great advice and real life accounts that have helped us so much....
Our wedding was beautiful!! We have not heard from SS since about two weeks before our wedding day on August 17th. I am sad for my husband, but what are we to do? We have thoughts that his and the BM's goal was truly to attempt to stop our wedding.
We wish we could do more, but are so worn out that we do not want to put the energy into someone we are not sure even wants to be here.
If he does enter our lives again, I will heed the advice and not allow him to be alone with anyone of us and also he will not be allowed to come to our home without my say....which is the case as it stands anyway, but I was hopeful at one point that he would want to come here while I was here, but now realize that was somewhat skewed. I care about him because he is my husbands son, and really wanted things to work out. Now I see that whatever may work for now, may not be permanent so don't get comfortable, or let my guard down.
I have not physically spoken to SS for over a year and during all this latest drama it has only been between the counselor, BM, SS and my husband or (dh?) Still trying to get the abbreviations. I had been texting him and we were at least having conversations, until he began the verbal abuse toward me and his father. Then I was accused of harassing him and was told to stop and since have had no contact with him.
We will see what happens next. I am sure it will involve money and that's where it will start again.
Thanks everyone and I hope you situations improve.