Well, I'm new to this site but I felt there should be somewhere I come to let these things out. My SD is 10 and my husband got full custody of her 2 years ago when her mother was sent to prison for drug related charges. Since then it has been a struggle to adjust from being a single girl to a married full time mom. SD was 8 when she came to live with us full time. Since then, we have relocated with SD to another state because my career dictated the move, and at the time I was making significantly more money than my husband.

Because of the move out of state, even though her mom was in prison, we negotiated a very generious visitation schedule where we pay for airfare and she goes to visit pretty much whenever she's off school for any length of time. Her mother was released from prison a year ago. However, she still hangs out with the same people, many of which have criminal records and some are even mentally unstable and diagnosed with psychotic disorders. Her father and I worry about her safety and the influence of these people on her. Whats worse is she and my SD think of every single one of these people as family and don't think there's anything wrong with exposing a kid to these types of people.

When SD returns from visitation, she is completely distraught and distressed because she wants to live with her mother and not with us. There are no rules at her mother's house and she stays up until 3 in the morning and is basically allowed to do, eat, drink, say whatever she wants when she's there. I don't believe that is any way to raise a child. SD has a half-sister who lives with her mom because her mom is the lesser of two evils there - the half sister's dad is still in and out of prison. SD just doesn't understand that its not a good place for her to live, and who can blame her? She wants to be with her mother. I understand that, its very painful and sad for her. But she is so much better off being as far away from those negative influences as possible. My heart breaks for the younger sister who won't have the opportunity to be removed from it.

We've been seeing a counselor for about 6 months to try and help SD handle the sadness she feels after the visitation. Its like she goes through the stages of grief and loss every time she comes back. So the counselor has been helping, but we just found out something yesterday from the counselor that was just so upsetting.

Apparently, SD told the counselor that when her mom first got in trouble and knew she was going to prison, she warned SD that her Dad "might try to come and get her when mommy is sent away." She told SD that she had a savings to pay for a lawyer to help her get out of prison, but that she would use that money to try and fight for SD, if SD wanted her to. SD said no, to use the money to help with getting out of jail. So ultimately, SD must think that her father and I are the evil bad guys who came and stole her away from her happy family, and that she sacrificed herself and her happiness so her mom could get out of prison! How can you put a child in the middle like that? No judge in the world would have kept custody with a mother who is in prison, it was no one's choice at that point! Especially not SD's! I am horrified at the internal battle that my poor SD faces every day when she thinks about how she ended up living with us. We also found out that her mother is saying to SD that she will fight for her in court if she wants her to. This is only implying that she never fought for her before and that if she were to try to modify custody, she would win! This woman has made no attempt to integrate back into respectable society or get a job, is surrounded by terrible influences, lives in one of the most dangerous small towns in the country, and has not offered one cent of child support during the whole time we have custody!

My husband has said that SD's mother has said to him that she knows she's better off with us and knows that a court battle would be a waste of money now because she won't win, so how could she lead her daughter to believe that the only reason she's still living with us is because she hasn't filed for custody? If she really cares about SD's happiness, she needs to get on board with finding ways to help her, not confuse her even more about why she is where she is. This is so sad. SD is SO happy when she's here with us, and does SO well in school and she can't fake that - she truly likes living with us. UNTIL she goes to see her mother, then she gets confused again. I just can't help think that there are a pack of lies being told to this poor child every time she visits. Its time for her to grieve for the loss of living with her mom and realize this situation is not going to change, and she won't be able to do that if she keeps getting false hope from her mother that it might change. We have no intention of ever letting her go and live there again. If anything, less visitation would be favorable, or different circumstances at least, so SD is not exposed to all those bad influences.

Well, I had to let that all out. My heart just breaks for my SD and I'm glad that she does, after a few days of depression, come back around and really have a good time in her life when she's here. I know so many of you other stepparents on here do not have as amicable a relationship with your stepkids, so I count myself lucky that I've got such a great kid in my life. I have had my share of difficulties in accepting this role, even with a great kid in the picture, so I understand the frustrations, anger, and resentment that comes along with accepting a kid in your life and a new role as a step parent. I wish the best of luck and happiness to all of you. Whenever I have those difficult moments accepting the role, I remove myself and remind myself that today is only one day. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day. Tomorrow can be different.

Here's to a better day tomorrow...