So DH and I had THE talk....
Yep, you know the one you usually have after the big row over the Adult skids . the one where you are supposed to sit down and talk calmly and sensibly about whatever the skid problem is this time and how it is going to effect DH and of course, us.
Now over the years I have become a somewhat jaded veteran of this talk, I've also refered to it as the skid dance DH and I always seem to end up doing. You know all the words, you know all the moves, and it plays out just like it has before. DH makes all the right noises, he tries for a little but then it creeps back in to feeling Disney-ish, guilty- ish, etc.
BUT this time, WAS different , cos this gal didn't dance !!! DH did all the talking, he threw in how he doesn' t need this stress in his life ( because I mentioned it and therefore it HAS to be talked about, if he plans to throw more money at the ADULT skids, and what outcome that has on us !!) It was the usual routine, apparently there are rules for me ( the SM) and rules for DH , but NOT the skids ???? :sick:
And if perhaps if I was a bit more understanding and sensitive when these problems arose, they would be easier to handle. He said he knows his kids aren't perfect, but they are not monsters ??
I listened to all of this, while raging inside, and did not blow my top, just kept my PF on ( Poker face ) and got through it. This was a couple of days ago, and well, life goes on. DH thinks he has said all the " right " words again, the air is clear, he is happy...... Except no, I'm not.
Still processing the information, that DH still believes I can " save " his lazy, no working, lying for money, treating him with disrespect, ignoring him , stealing money and getting in trouble with the law now , entitled ADULT skids !!!!! :jawdrop:
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Your summary of The Talk as a
Your summary of The Talk as a recurring theme is frighteningly insightful. In the early days there is hope, and relief associated with The Talk. You think progress is being made, understanding is being increased, changes are happening. After a while you come to have a feeling of déjà vu during these discussions, you are crestfallen when the same issues keep resurfacing. Much later you realise that you have been going in circles, exactly the same things are said, and improvements on the issues themselves are almost always temporary as both of you slip back into your default position. I've had 10 years of Talks. DH loves me, he means well, but I feel a sense of despair about the Talks now because I've lost faith in his ability to sustain the changes that really matter. So now we're seeing if counselling can help break the cycle, I guess I still have some hope left.
Your post frightened me
Your post frightened me because I suspect this is what the future may hold for me. My SDs are currently 16 and 18, and have never even had a Saturday job between them. They expect Dad to fund everything.
I don't think I will be able to stay with my DH if this happens. It would gall me too much.
This post is rather
This post is rather discouraging - in a very honest way. Seems like when DH and I first started dating, we had The Talk over everything that came up. It was refreshing... we talked about feelings and seemed on a team. Now, The Talk is a back and forth pattern of saying the same things over & over... I want respected, he wants a better relationship with his kids, we both know nothing will change, etc.
I have ~7 years until the youngest skid is an adult and I am counting down the days. When I read your post... I realized that the CS might stop then - but the bullshit sure doesn't. It's new problems. New requests for money. And, it is going to be littered with grandchildren, weddings, college tuition, etc.
Sometimes I wonder why I signed up for this.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the comments..... i thought that this might hit home with a lot of SMs out there.
I hate how DH becomes this other shifty, almost sneaky, wimpy mess of a guilty Dad, when a skid rears it's head to feed him lies and then ask for money. Conversations never start with, well what is the Adult skid DOING to get out of this situation, or contributing to pay for whatever thing is needed ...... It's a given that it is IMPOSSIBLE that would happen and EVIL SM or GF, etc for even suggesting such a HATEFUL NASTY thing !!! :jawdrop:
The funny thing is that DH and I handle this type of convo several times a week in our lives.... You know an unexpected bill comes in, something breaks and needs replacing , well then DH ( and I) becomes a master planner with the finances, we cut out this that week to pay it, or we go without, or we WORK the hours needed to EARN it. This is the normal right, we ALL do this......except his lazy, entitiled Adult skids.....