Don't really know what to say or do.....
So DH and I got into a fight last night....DH didn't know whether he has to pick up the skids on Thursday or Friday for the summer vacation with us and I told him that per the CO since it's not during the school year that he has to pick them up on Friday June 2nd. I was just trying to help but, I feel this is the last time that I insert myself in anything to do with that CO, his visitation or his kids. So he then asks me do you have a problem with my kids staying here extra days or them being over here period. I am thinking no dumbass that is not the problem!! He is the one that wants to follow the CO to a T so that there is no miscommunication and less drama with BM so I was just simply stating to him that he didn't have to get his kids until Friday June 2nd and that he only has to pick them up on Thursday night during the school year because that is what the CO says. The main issue what I told him was what I have a problem with is the way you coddle YSS and make excuses for his behavior and the way he behaves period. It is not that I don't want your kids over here. I really don't want to go out in public with his YSS anymore because I am tired of the embarrassment and drama that happens every time we go out somewhere. I think it bothers my DH that I have disengaged a little bit and that he needs to start doing stuff with YSS on his own since he doesn't make YSS behave himself. My DH tells me that he has tried everything in the book to make him behave however, I think there just needs to be more discipline then DH says that I am mean and want to instill fear into his kid which is not the case at all. It is called structure and kids thrive for that. Don't really know what else I can say or do.
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" My DH tells me that he has
" My DH tells me that he has tried everything in the book to make him behave"
You should've replied with yes Hon I know - but you never tried parenting him.... you are not his friend you are his father and NO is a perfectly good answer as well .... or behave now SS or you will go and sit in the car/never come with us again ... and keeping your word about it...
and yes Dh is pissed off because you disengaged, he's going to look for a fight or 100 and hope you cave and take over his parenting responsibilities again, don't stand strong if Dh starts fighting, smile and say - I do not want to fight about this, lets talk when you are calm and then walk away, ignoring him...
The thing is Acra I am so
The thing is Acra I am so tired of him telling me that I don't like his kids or I don't want his kids around it is so petty and old. I feel that he wants me to carry the burden on my shoulders instead of his and I will not do it.
It's pretty clear you don't
It's pretty clear you don't like the kid though. You don't like his intrusions, his behavior, his existence.
Disengagement is fine, but it has it's own consequences.. which you are experiencing now.
Like others have said. Your DH hasn't been parenting in an effective way. It will take time, but if he is consistent, there may be improvements. Can you weather the ups and downs while he works on it?
I never said that I didn't
I never said that I didn't like the kid ever. I don't like his behavior and the level or disrespect. I mean he is a kid and I'm not a douche bag like that because I know he behaves the way he does because of his ADHD and poor parenting.
then you simply tell him -
then you simply tell him - it's not that I do not like your kid, I do not like his behavior and you as parent can correct that...
or you can be like me and say straight out - Yes glad you figured it out I do not like your kid cause she's a full blown brat, try and teach her some manners and to respect people... it will only help her in future if she has a boss one day...
yes I'm that blunt. He never ever brought it up again lol
LMAO! I care about his kids
LMAO! I care about his kids well being and development. I mean I told my DH that he should spend time one on one time with YSS and I thought maybe that would help since he is such a daddy's boy but, that didn't seem to work either.
Hon - Dh does not want to
Hon - Dh does not want to spend time with his kid, he made the kid and that's where his responsibilities stopped according to him, now it's a woman's job to get the kid through life.....
Dh wants to be the fun buddy and he wants you to be the monster bitch.... so when they are alone, after 10 minutes DH had enough and he just does not have the spine to tell his kid now knock it off... see that's parenting.... DH does not want to do that.
Just remain disengage and well be blunt if you have to.... if I did not have my own kid I probably would've told SO , I'm not going to look after your brat or entertain her, if I wanted to be a mommy I would've had my own kid... that brat is yours deal with it or sell it on the black market...
Unfortunately, the way you
Unfortunately, the way you come across as painting the kid as manipulative etc.. it really does seem like you don't like him. You don't want him around etc... Every opportunity, you want your DH to not get him. It may all be because of how he behaves, but it screams "I don't like your kid".
Now, I get it, you don't want the kid to come to harm. But, you don't want to have to deal with the messy, in between stuff like dealing with his behavior in restaurants etc...
Maybe disengagement isn't the best course here? Maybe helping him to learn how to effectively parent his kid is better?
Like going out to eat. You know the kid has challenges. So.... why not try to set the kid up to succeed instead of fail? Why not discuss consequences (not necessarily punishments) for his actions. It seems like your DH just lets the kid blunder about in the restaurant... with no clear expectations and of course the kid naturally acts up. Your DH didn't remove him from the situation, he didn't remind him of appropriate behavior.. no plan and no follow through.
I don't know if you aren't explaining it to your DH well enough, or whether he isn't smart enough to figure it out. I'm also not sure whether you yourself know the best way to handle things since your DH seems to think what you want to do is MEAN. Without knowing what you would do instead, it's hard to decide which is the case.
If I was a parent of this kid
If I was a parent of this kid and we were at a restaurant I would give the kid one warning and tell him if he doesn't start behaving then he is going to sit in the car until everyone else is finished eating. Then if he ordered something and wasted the food like he always does then I would tell him from now on you are ordering from the kids menu until you are going to start eating what you order. To me that is not mean it is giving him clear instructions, expectations and consequences for his actions. So maybe I should suggest this to my DH before we go out of eat anywhere next time?
An alternative if you know
An alternative if you know the kid is going to waste food from an adult meal is to say "SS you may only order off the kids menu. However if you are still hungry when your meal is complete you may choose a dessert or extra side."
I agree with this. Surely
I agree with this. Surely his father has some reasonable idea of what the kid likes to eat. It sounds like he isn't old enough to be on his own ordering from a menu. Shoot, I remember my mom ordering for my brother and I for a fairly long time. I was probably 9 or more before I even got my own meal in many restaurants.
Given the fact that this kid has KNOWN issues.. as few decision for him as possible are better.
"My son will have the kid's burger with mac n cheese on the side and a glass of water to drink".
If he wants to give the kid a choice
"Ok... do you want the chicken nuggets or fish sticks?"
Kid doesn't know what else is on the menu because a kid doesn't GET a menu.
Specific reminders BEFORE you go into a restaurant are important to.
"So, we are going to go in to eat dinner. I expect you to use your inside voice and best table manners. No chewing with mouth open and no playing with food. You also remain seated at all times. Say thank you when your meal is brought to you. Remember, if you can't do that, I will bring you outside and we will wait forTankh to finish her meal."
Then at the first wiff that he forgot his rules.. there is a reminder.
"Son, I said you were to stay in your seat. Can you do that or do you want to go outside and miss dinner?"
If the kid doesn't settle down..
"Ok, buddy, let's go. I told you that if you couldn't stay in your seat, we would have to leave, so we are going outside... Tanky.. take your time and enjoy your meal. You can get mine to go, I will eat it later".
Yeah.. not fun the first few times he has to invoke this plan, but I BET the kid will learn his boundaries!
Thank you Clevergirlfriend99
Thank you Clevergirlfriend99 that makes a lot of sense and it is the truth. My DH doesn't want to compromise and wants to use the excuse that I don't like his kids or want them around. I keep telling him that he doesn't know how hard it is to be a step parent and that he doesn't have to deal with skids or a BM.
So I should just keeping
So I should just keeping doing what I am doing and be blunt?
Well there is being blunt and
Well there is being blunt and there is being CONSTRUCTIVELY blunt.
Telling him "I don't want to go out places with your son because he embarrasses me" Is blunt, but not particularly helpful.
Telling him "I worry about your son's future because his inability control himself in public is going to limit his life. You need to help him do better so that he can succeed in the future. Next time before we go out, please go over the expected behaviors and if he can't follow through, you should remove him from the restaurant. Unless he clearly knows what you expect and what will happen if he doesn't behave, he can't be expected to improve." that is telling him to take a look at how his child's future could be damaged by continuing to non-parent.
Tell him that he thinks he's
Tell him that he thinks he's tried everything in the book, but truth is, he hasn't tried it your way.
He hasn't given any of the things he's tried enough time.... any changes your DH makes will take an extremely long time to affect change, because the kid knows your dh's buttons and both the kid and dh know dh won't be able to stay consistent.
He doesn't want to try it your way, because he says it's mean... no, it's called being a parent. Tell him to try it your way over the summer... kids crave structure and discipline - they need that direction... he doesn't have to punish for bad behavior, there are other ways to discipline that punishments... but, they need to be consistent...and clear.
If kid doesn't behave, he doesn't get to go to breakfast.
If kid behaves, he gets to go to breakfast.
Differently phrased, one negative, one positive... same diff.
So maybe I should try to
So maybe I should try to explain it to my DH and make it sound more positive instead of just be blunt and telling him how I feel.
you feel how you feel. That's
you feel how you feel. That's it that's all.
It's not the kid you don't like, it's the behavior.
You could phrase it in a way that says:
If kids behavior was better, it would be easier to be positive about his presence
if dh complains he's tried everything, tell he he could try discipline, it's what he hasn't tried...