You are here

Persistent YSS...DH thinks is a good quality to have...

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 7:16am

So DH and I had a discussion about how YSS is trying to "play the system" which is what DH calls it. YSS will keep on asking for things that he wants several times even after he get told no and it is quite annoying.

I know kids do not understand how the real world works yet and that money doesn't grow on trees but he is really persistent on getting his way because he is used to getting it with BM I guess and think that he can do it with DH and I as well.

DH said that he is persistent which is a good quality to have. I said "ok well when he turns 16 years old and is persistent about getting in some girls pants and succeeds are you going to be proud of him if he gets her pregnant or the girl's parents press charges against him.

I think being persistent about something is not always a good thing and I told DH that he should explain to YSS that when we say no to something that we aren't going to change our minds later on.

I am totally over this crap of what DH calls "playing the system". YSS asked if we could go out to eat because he didn't want to eat at home even though he had already been told we only eat out once a week unless it's a birthday or some other special occasion but yet he still asked DH and I about 15 times if we could take him to eat somewhere.

You would figure after a couple of times of saying no he would've got the point but I guess not. I guess YSS figures if he asks us enough that we will get his own way and we will get tired and give in since he has asked us so many times but I do not give in and DH is getting better at it.

It is also DH's fault for this bad habit because he was a Disney dad and still is somewhat but that is a work in progress. Any ideas on how to break this persistent habit with YSS??

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 7:21am

It will take time and consistent reinforcement.

Persistence is a good thing in a person, but "badgering" someone and having persistence are two different things.

Persistence means you don't give up on a class because you bomb the first test.

Persistence means you practice harder and longer until you make the team.

But, as you point out, people can have goals that might not have good outcomes. Your DH's job is to help his son develop a moral compass, learn right from wrong and learn the impact of our decisions on our lives.

He teaches consequences.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 7:58am

YSS will keep on asking for things that he wants several times even after he get told no

Persistence? No, that is disrespecting authority and it's not the same thing. Always wanting your way, badgering and expecting others to give in to you, is not a redeeming trait.

Your DH has to stick with his "no" and there needs to be consequences for the badgering.

SourGrapes's picture

Submitted by SourGrapes on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 12:00pm

^^^^ This 100%

Persistence is practicing an instrument until you master it, or trying out for the soccer team as many times as it takes to make the grade. Badgering someone until he gets his way or they come close to murdering him isn't persistence, it's obnoxious and shows a clear disrespect for adults.

My BD9 and SD7 can be annoying when they don't like the answer they get to a question. When the little voices start with the whiny "but, but but..." I tell them, "You asked, I answered. The discussion is over. If I hear anything else about it then you'll be punished." Punishment is usually no dessert, loss of iPad for 24+ hours, being sent to bed early. They're still pretty young, so it gets the point across.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 8:07am

ah the memories - kaos used to pull this crap all. the. effing. time. dh got better over time. he used to pester the $#!t out of me as well (which never worked!) until one day i got down eye level with him and right up in his face (he may have been 7 or 8?) and in a very low, calm voice with unblinking, laser-like, soul-stealing eye-contact, told him "you do realize that crap don't work on me, right? the more times you ask, the more stuck on 'no' i will be, not only for this request but for ANY FUTURE requests. know what i'm saying, kiddo?"

it took me a while to teach dh the results of either ignoring the badgering, or simply stating "i have already answered that" then redirecting the conversation. he'd still cave more often than not, but there was improvement.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 8:36am

Manipulative people do not understand the concept of boundaries. They are relentless in their pursuit of what they want, and they have no regard for who gets hurt along the way......

There's a thought for your DH.... huge difference between being Persistent and being Relentless

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 12:20pm

It also is not helpful to make that leap when you are trying to have a civil discussion with your SO about their child.

While what the child is doing is annoying by trying to bridge a nagging kid into a defacto rapist.. all you do is put the bio parent into defense mode. This will end up backfiring as the parent will entrench with his child that he feels is being maligned and make the father more likely to allow this behavior to continue.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Wed, 09/06/2017 - 1:41pm

Personally I think that if you keep asking something and someone has to say no more than twice you are being rude in continuing to push them and asking again. This applies equally to offering something as it does to asking for something. Perhaps you could start teaching him this and have a negative consequence when he asks for the third, or fourth time etc?