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Need to Decompress and Understand

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 4:11pm

I am at work and need to decompress.
DH has been snotty since BM sent him the "I Miss You" text.
I was angry and hurt that she can affect him like this.

So at lunch today, we met and I said "How is it that you firmly believe you would never go back to your ex but yet, you are still angry or whatever about this text she sent?"
He replied "She dragged me through hell and back. She dragged the boys through hell and yet, she MISSES me? That is utter bullS#$%. She appreciates me or our stability now but she couldn't then? I am angry with myself for being angry. Does any of this make sense?" I am not so sure I do understand. I have been thinking about this. Yeah that is my reason for not doing my work.

When I got divorced, I took time to heal. I learned a lot about myself then too - like how do you expect others to love you if you don't love yourself? I let my ex-husband do some stupid things to me knowing I didn't deserve it but "love" is blind and I lost myself. From my divorce, and through A LOT of pain, I learned to live healthier and to appreciate myself ... THAT makes sense. I don't understand how SHE is affecting him.

I dated my husband for two years before we got married and even then I was scared to get married again. I had suspected he had unresolved issues - how can you not when someone is that horrible to you (crashes your car with a DUI with the children in the back seat, abandons the children at his mother's house, runs up his credit cards while he is deployed and then has the gall to tell him that she wants to stay married to him as well as have her boyfriend, etc"

The love I have for this family is hard to put into words - I know my limitations but yet, I still feel somewhat torn between my limitations and the need to do some insane things for them. I would sacrifice my body parts or go through any amount of pain (i.e. bone marrow donation) for the boys or my husband. But I won't let them destroy ME like I let myself be destroyed in my first marriage - so I have to do the little things like go to the gym each morning, get my nails done, or go to the movies with my friend and her daughters ... to keep my "Identity."

I don't think he still loves her.
Perhaps he is resentful that she didn't appreciate him?
Ah the PAST. The past seems to be our ultimate enemy. If it weren't for the past, we wouldn't feel anger and resentment. If it weren't for HOLDING on to the past I mean.
I don't understand his feelings and really wish I could.

Comments

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 8:57pm

Blender,
Thank you for opening my eyes to how he "could" feel.
I wil ask him when he is not so grouchy. He has been stewing for a couple days now ...

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 4:40pm

BM3 did this until she moved on into a new relationship. Anytime they break up or are having problems she wants to be here hanging around DH under the guise of hanging around me. I saw through that quick and put a stop to it.

She would send texts to him indicating that she missed him. He just didn't answer. I found it ironic since when they were together, she never wanted to see him. She kept them spent into a deep enough hole that he always had to work 2 jobs. Not anymore. We just live small, plus I'm happy and don't spend money. She just missed having somebody to fix everything when she made a huge mess of her life. I'm glad he finally told her that she made her bed and would have to lay in it alone or with whoever was dumb enough to take her on.

taytay803's picture

Submitted by taytay803 on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 5:04pm

I remember when me and my husband first got together and his ex would txt him all the time how I put a stop to it was I told him u only need to talk about the kids and nothing eles and if she cant do that then tell her to txt u and only u about the kids or just trade phones with ur DH until she gets the message

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 5:19pm

Dh used to be like that, though not anymore. His ex left him, and I think it wounded his ego, that was all.

Now what we deal with is she is projecting-he doesn't speak to her if he can help it, but she insists that he wants her back.

If he emails her to ask about visitation, she immediately becomes convinced he wants her back. It's the craziest thing I have ever seen, and really kind of sad. How pathetic do you have to be, honestly?

We just try to ignore her and go on about our lives. There is no way you could ever convince me that my super hot husband wants to go back to that shriveled up, raspy voiced, poster child for STD's crack whore of an ex wife.

1sttimestepmom's picture

Submitted by 1sttimestepmom on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 7:09pm

DH was exactly the same way. Thankfully now he just laughs when she pulls that crap. In the beginning she would call and txt and say she missed this and that and that new bf was just like my DH and would call for him to fix her stuff like the door her bf kicked in at midnight. I would get so upset. Now that DH is happy with me and realizes that she is just seeking attention he laughs it off and ignores her.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 9:39pm

TheOtherMom... I think your husband is angry partly because he's insulted.

What does BM think? That she can just text him that, and everything she did will melt away? That he's that stupid? That she's that wonderful of a person that he would just be dying to have her text him that she misses him?? And he's supposed to feel good about it?

It sounds like she sure did a number on him. And now, she wants him to know that she values him. And as he said - sure, she values him NOW - when he's happy and successful in a relationship with someone else. It's too little, too late - and her timing is not just piss-poor, it's downright crap. She doesn't want HIM. She wants what he has right now because it would be good FOR HER. No wonder he's aggravated!

When I first met my husband, he had a lot of anger toward his ex. It always bothered me because I believe that the opposite of love isn't hate.. the opposite of love is indifference.

What I had to learn was that just because DH wasn't indifferent to BM, meant that he didn't still have "feelings" toward her. Of course he had feelings! But they weren't love.

I also hope you can understand his annoyance with himself over even having any reaction to BM's text. I think he is putting some pressure on himself to not feel hurt, or angry. It's almost like when people tell someone to just get over their breakup or whatever. It's easier said than done. Has something ever bothered you - a look, a saying, anything! and you're like I KNOW this shouldn't get under my skin, but it does... and that just makes the aggravation all that much worse.

I am guessing that that text, in addition to being insulting, gave him some general feelings of stress in his stomach or back of his mind. Either thinking "Oh sh*t, what does she want now? " , that general feeling of uneasiness, being on edge. That in turn might make him angry,... and that in turn might make him just pissed off at the whole situation.

Not sure, but it's a guess.