No Baby of My Own. I Will Get Over This. I Know it.
In high school, there were four of us that hung out all together - like the Golden Girls. The last of us is now pregnant - but really, I am the last one, and I have yet to get pregnant. I am a stepmother which to ME is being parent.
Today my dearest friend said she is finally going to have a baby. I told her congratulations but I realized I don't have any of my own. JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OVER THIS wanting my own baby thing ...
I decided about a year to give up on it and be happy. If I was meant to have my own baby then I would have. Maybe I was meant to be a stepmother? Maybe I am meant to adopt - although I highly doubt the adoption thing because I have no patience for red tape.
I just wish sometimes that I had something more permanent with DH.
I truly love him and can't fathom him dying ....
I just needed to blog this feeling.
I will be fine.
Going to go play in the pool with SS11 now.
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How old are you? It may still
How old are you? It may still happen and it will happen when it's suppose too.
Sometimes it happens when you
Sometimes it happens when you least expect it. Unless, of course, there are physical reasons for not being able to conceive.
You just never know...I was
You just never know...I was told I couldn't have kids for years...I wad told I had a tumor on my pituitary that made my body always think I was pregnant...I tried to go for surgery and was told I had to be on medication for at least a couple of years for them to consider surgery...the medication made me very ill, it was later removed from the market by the FDA for strokes, etc...I figured "oh well..." even w/medication or operation I was told there was a big chance it would return, thus the reason they didn't want to just operate. I got pregnant and thought I was just "sicker" with the tumor...I was about 3 1/2 months pregnant before I found out I was pregnant. The tumor dispoeared in its own and has never returned...I have a 9yr old boy. My Dr. could not believe I had gotten pregnant.
I can relate to what you're
I can relate to what you're feeling. I planned on having children from the time I was a child. The way it has worked out, however, I won't be having my own. DH has 2...a son & a daughter. When I met him, BM was completely out of the picture, by her choice. Skids needed a mother-figure, & I decided that I could be that for them. I concluded that maybe that was what was meant for me. I could fill their "mother" void, & they could fill my "children" void. Through ugly & unfortunate circumstances (BM returns) skids are with her now. The void is back, & I also go through periods where I struggly with accepting it. You didn't mention your age or why/what has determined that you won't have children of your own. I am 34...soon to be 35. I really just keep hoping that maybe as skids get older & have questions or just need someone to talk to, maybe they'll turn to me. I'm not a parent in their eyes. I'm really not even a step-mom right now...not in their minds. I just keep hoping for the opportunity to apply my motherly love. I really think sometimes, that if I can show my skids what a real, decent, selfless mother is, & if I can help them feel the love they deserve to feel & teach them the things they need to know to feel happy & successful in life, I don't need to give birth. I really do feel like I can love them as much as I could love a child of my own. My skids don't have a decent mother. Maybe this is what I was put here to do. Maybe this is where I can make a difference in someone's life. That's how I choose to look at it anyway.
In the movie "Under the
In the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun", Diane Lane's character said she wanted a house to raise a family, to have a wedding there, to find love ... and she did but not in all the ways she expected. If you haven't seen it, you should watch it
I don't know what the situation with your BM is like but for your skids' sake, I hope you get to be back in their life. If they were raised properly, I expect they will want to come back to you guys.
In our case, we are currently suing for full custody. The skids can decide where they want to live when they are 13 and the oldest will probably choose BM but the youngest is very smart and I hope he doesn't live with BM.
I am 31 about to be 32 and I have not always wanted children. It sort of grew over time and the love for DH made it stronger ... that and the fact that both the boys are concentrated versions of their father - that's when I saw how much I must really love this man, especially as they are not my children.
I whole heartedly agree with you about the "being put here to take care of someone" ...
I haven't seen that movie,
I haven't seen that movie, but am going to make a point to find it. They are not being raised properly, & that's what makes me just hope that with age & life experience, maybe they'll come back around looking for answers. Last time we went to court, the judge ruled that SS16 (15 at the time) & SD13 (12 at the time) were old enough to make their choice. They've chosen BM. We haven't seen or spoken with them in nearly a year now.
I do love them with everything in me & in my heart I will always consider them my kids. I feel for them for what they'll face in the future, & hope with everything in me that they will be wise enough & determined enough to grow their own minds & become their own people rather than just accepting the life BM is teaching them. I know they'll reach a point where they will hurt & they will need real love. Life hurts for everyone at some point. I hope they'll be willing to reach out when they come to that point. I guess if I wasn't put here to be there for them, I was put here to be there for DH.
I'm really glad you blogged about this.
Statistically, and
Statistically, and scientifically, if a woman has a child after 35 the risk of a child being born with special needs is significantly higher than normal. My sister had my nieces at 37. One is perfectly healthy but the other is smaller and developed a little slower. I don't think I have the ability to do that - the patience or any of it.
SS9 has ADHD and I find I have little ability to tolerate his tantrums even now. Can you imagine if I had a child who had bigger problems? I don't think I was made with that kind of soul.