Avoiding being at home where I pay all the rent
So stepdaughter (9 years old) has basically "won". I no longer want to be in my own home any more. I avoid it like the plague. I go to work early. And I work out at the gym in the evenings so that I can not only releive stress, but get home late.
Being at home right now is sooooooo stressful. My evil little stepdaughter has made my life a living hell. She is constantly looking for ways to make me feel miserable. Last night, she purposely made me upset and then smiled a really big smile of joy when she saw that I was angry.
I don't want to say that I hate her. Because that would make me evil and heartless. But it is really really hard to know that I am working full time to support my husband and his two daughters (husband is a full time college student) and I don't even want to be at home any more.
I don't feel like I don't have a safe place to go home too. I don't feel like my home is my home any more.
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Hi steperg. I wish!!! I want
Hi steperg. I wish!!! I want so much to move into a bigger house, because our current apartment is very small. I don't want to leave my family, because I love my husband and oldest stepdaughter. I tried putting locks on my bedroom door, but my youngest stepdaughter just bangs on the door and yells and complains when its locked. Unfortunately none of the disciplinary actions we have given her have worked.
We are trying to set her up with a new therapist. After that I am not sure what to do.
Uh oh. Huge red flag. If you
Uh oh. Huge red flag. If you can't see going the rest of your life like this (and I don't see how you can) something has to change...
I agree. It's a very painful
I agree. It's a very painful situation. We are trying to get her a new therapist in hopes that something will change.
I'd learn to ignore her and
I'd learn to ignore her and make her play in the other room
Is your husband aware of any
Is your husband aware of any of this? Does he attempt to correct her behavior? I don't reccomend you go home and discuss it with him while you are upset, but maybe at another time, when he seems receptive to hearing something negative about his child. I am very sorry you are so stressed out. I remember what it was like living my life trying to avoid dealing with my ex SS because of how uncomfortable he made me. Being unable to call your house your home is the worst kind of lonliness.
I agree.... it is a very very
I agree.... it is a very very lonely feeling. I would have never imagined that it would come to this. It's a horrible feeling.
I am so sorry for you Real. I
I am so sorry for you Real. I have been through what you're going through and I know that you are feeling angry, resentful, stressed and isolated. Somehow you need to carve out your "me space" in your home. I made my bedroom my sanctuary and SD was not allowed in there. I didn't participate in family meals and I didn't provide maid services or groceries.
Wow Glynne. I guess it has to
Wow Glynne. I guess it has to come to that. I actually have stopped cleaning up after my step kids. And I have stopped cooking for them. I buy food and I will occasionally go out and buy them dinner. But my heart is just not into cooking for them any more. When I cook, I put my heart into it. But lately it is just met with rudeness, ungratefulness and complaints. I rarely get thank you's. So for now - I just don't cook any more.
But here is my thoughts on this - I work full time, pay all the bills and rent. I buy the clothing and food. If I decide that I can not be the full time worker and provider of all and still be a house wife... than so be it.
Maybe if I was appreciated and loved I would knock myself out to do it all. But it just isnt worth at this time.
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and I totally understand having been there myself. I would find myself going to work early and staying late and then disengaging when I came home. It has gotten better, but visitation times are still really tough on me.
Hi Poisonivy, Thank you for
Hi Poisonivy,
Thank you for this comment. It helps to hear that I am not the only one that is going through this kind of experience. It's totally the same for me. So I hope that my situation will get better.
Maybe I missed previous
Maybe I missed previous posts, but where is the BM of your Sks? Do they visit BM sometimes so you can have a break?
Let me say that unfortunately I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Just this week H & I talked about separating and have settled for going to couples counseling to try to work it out because frankly I was tired of feeling uncomfortable like I didn't belong in MY HOME and my child being treated like a second class citizen in HIS HOME all for my SD who has a home with her BM somewhere else!
I made it clear that I REFUSE to stand for this anymore, and will NOT disengage from SD if that means I will no longer have a say in what takes place in MY HOME with MY STUFF! I'd sooner just tell H to move out & he can just have SD at whatever place he can find. I will NOT be "run" out of my home any longer! There is a new sheriff in town who owns all of the real estate, so if you don't like the new rules you can move to a different town!
Hi Mommylove, Their BM is not
Hi Mommylove,
Their BM is not really a part of their lives. They see her for about 2 to 3 weekends out of the year. She calls them on the phone once a week. But she is more like a long distance friend than a real parent. I usually only get a two week break during the summer.
I am pushing for the kids to stay longer with the BM during the summer. But because the BM is really really unstable and immature, my husband has reservations about our daughters (my step daughters) staying with BM unsupervised for long periods of time.
You should be having a sit
You should be having a sit down talk with hubby and the kids to discuss how you feel and how to correct it. By you running away or hiding will never correct the problem and that is a huge red flag . Hope it works out for you .
I agree. I did that for
I agree. I did that for about 9 months and it didn't change anything.
We may have to do this. I am
We may have to do this. I am miserable and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am constantly drained because I am always on the move avoiding my home life. And I miss hanging out with my oldest daughter.
I don't think I would include
I don't think I would include the kids on this one. I would chat with hubby first and when you're a united team, confront the kid with a Come to Jesus meeting. Explain to her that her behavior will not be tolerated by either of you and until she straightened up her attitude, she was GROUNDED.
And honey, when you wanna go home to YOUR HOME, go home to your home. Don't let that little brat win! Show who tthe QUEEN is!
I have thought of this over
I have thought of this over and over. But my husband, who is an amazing person, is still in college - and not at all self sufficient financially. If I moved he would not be to afford the rent on his own and he doesnt have family in the erea at all. So I feel like if i left them they would be homeless.
Talk about a double edge sword.
Only one brat... thank
Only one brat... thank GOD!!!! My oldest step daughter is a sweetheart. It if wasn't for her I would leave.
Hey Vickmeister, I am trying
Hey Vickmeister,
I am trying to avoid being around my youngest, only because she is so angry all the time. No matter what I do or say, it doesnt seem to improve. Just hoping that she (SD) will mellow out before I can't take it and need to move on.
steperg's right, you sre in
steperg's right, you sre in the drivers seat...... dh needs to be held accountable for his brats....
screaming and banging on doors would wear me out.. i would send her outside or to the corner and if that doesn't work dh needs to spank her ass! and if that doesn't work, teke everything she likes away and tell he when she can behave you will return the things/privielges/favorite drink/dinner whatever..... seriously, no snacks, no tv, no games - nothing....and do what i do, buy those microwave banquet dinners for her ~ 3 minutes and no mess to clean up... sure she'll throw a fit, but doesn't she already?
Wow Sueu2..... Some of what
Wow Sueu2....:jawdrop:.
Some of what you are saying could be helpful. The rest of it is just plain offensive, judgemental and rude!!!
* I am not desperate for a man. I am fully aware that I am capable of being happy on my own.
* Both children are my stepdaughters. And there is no neglect happening in our home. How rude of you to say so. There is a difference between a home where there is child that has behavioral problems and a home where a child is being neglected. In my situation one had absolutely nothing to do with the other.
* And how rude of you to insinuate that I do not have sense enough to put my stepdaugher in her place. I have struggled with this child for years. SO many sit down talks, disciplinary actions, therapy, etc. So I have tried every thing under the sun (with in my own power) to change this situation. So I HAVE enough sense ... thank you very much.
You had few helpful tips. But it was smothered by the rude and inaccurate assumptions you threw in there. Thanks... but no thanks.
Hi Snarky, Thank you for this
Hi Snarky,
Thank you for this comment. I identify with every thing you said about your expereince. I think that I am going to have to remove myself from the situation if I feel like my own health and well being is going to continuously suffer.
My only salvation at this point, is that is one person (youngest step daughter 9) that is making my home life unbearable. I love my oldest stepdaughter and husband dearly. I am holding on for these reason's only.
But there has to come a point when I have to say enough is enough if things don't get better.
OK so she pounds on the door.
OK so she pounds on the door. What do you do? Do you swing the door open and say "I hope this is important because I am busy!" Do you tell the kids you have school work and they are not to interupt you or there will be no dessert? What does your DH do about this?
If he is an ineffectual guilt Dad then tell him he has 1 month to get his daughter to be respectful and listen to you or he will have to find somewhere else to live? If he blusters on remind him that she is quite capabvle of behaving herself because her school report says how nice she is. So he better get to the bottom of her problem before she makes herself unwelcome in the apartment in future.
See, so often these guilt-parents feel so bad for their marriage breaking up and their kids are from 'broken homes' that they overcompensate and allow all kinds of shit. And it is shit.
She is 9. Only 9. Take charge of your home. She may think she is the princess but you are the queen. Your DH may be in school but he is also a father. If he wants you to watch them while he studies or attends class then he has to give you more authority,
I understand how you
I understand how you feel.
I've been sober for over 9 years now but during SD's teenage years I drank - a lot - it was how I coped. Very unhealthy - if I had a do over I would try this.
Before you leave.
You may want to try one last time. It sounds like you are caring and compassionate and in a no win situation. Believe me - I get it - been there done that. As hard as it is - sit down with DH and tell him that you are at your breaking point - a crossroads and in order for you to continue - things must change. If he will be open - you can set some fair groundrules, houserules and then both of you must agree to enforce them.
Please let us know how it goes. Good luck.