Still finding my way
My husband and I were just married this past weekend in Hawaii. We took all three kids with us, because our both of our dreams were to always have a beach wedding, but we couldn't imagine having this moment without our kids present. It was a very trying trip for us traveling with 3 children, and not a vacation at all. In fact, I cried on the plane ride to Maui due to the behavior of our middle child, my stepson. This led to a fight between me and my (soon to be) husband two days into our trip of a lifetime. We talked, we dealt with it, and were married the next day. But the issues between myself and my stepson still remain.
For some reason, I can deal with the crappy teenage behavior of his 15 year old daughter (which I understand completely), much easier than I can the defiant actions of his 9 year old son. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that the 9 year old, and my 5 year old daughter, are in constant competition for attention. Also, I have no idea how boys think. It seems though, since the beginning of our relationship 2 1/2 years ago, that his son has been not only resentful of my daughter and the attention she takes away from his father, but also resentful of me as the result of his mother's influence.
Let me add another layer to this little boy's emotional issues. My step kids' mother passed away this summer very unexpectedly of a blood clot. My step son's once 'people pleaser' mentality has taken a drastic turn, for which I am completely unprepared in dealing with. Him and I are constantly butting heads. As much as I am trying to be supportive and understanding of this tragic situation for my step kids, my defense mode comes out when he takes his aggression out on my daughter, who looks up to and loves him dearly.
I cried on the way to our wedding, and then on the way back, thinking of my own incompetence in dealing with this appropriately. As much as I love my husband, I am having a hard time smiling when I think about living with or dealing with his son, who if he doesn't already, will hate me eventually. I don't know how to parent him. I am truly at a loss, and in need of some constructive advice. Has anyone felt anything remotely similar?
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Comments
I'm sorry that your wedding
I'm sorry that your wedding trip was fill with so much dramatic emotion! But try to remember, most people's weddings are full of high-pitched emotion. And for the sake of your future memories, focus on the things that you enjoyed.
For the future, has your DH asked you to take on a parenting role with his kids? And is he open to you doing what you think is right? Because it could be that he wants you to take care of his kids, but not like a parent, more like a babysitter.
No matter what DH wants, you always have the right to insist on personal boundaries. You always can take appropriate action to protect yourself, others (incl pets), and things. Don't let concerns about your stepkids nor about how your DH feels get in the way of you taking care of yourself.
Losing a parent is a huge shock and very difficult for any kid, at almost any age. Combined with the changes in living arrangements, it's a lot. I do think counselling, for any and all, would be a good idea. We all need help finding a place for big events in our lives.
That being said, dealing with children is always on two levels. The deeper level, teaching them about handling their feelings and feeling your own feelings about them and their situation, that's important. But equally important is teaching them how to behave appropriately. So seeking a way to address the behaviour and the emotions as two separate but important issues is important.
Both kids need grief
Both kids need grief counseling. Right away. So sorry this happened to them.
Hope you had some fun on Maui. It's such a beautiful island.