Milestones and blind Dh
Has anyone noticed that its perfectly ok for you to inform your Dh about milestones that the skids have hit ahead of time, but if you are worried about them being slow on something it becomes a war?
I don't understand how Dh can not be worried about his almost four year old daughter not being able to use the potty, wipe herself, dress herself or even hold a crayon well enough to draw.
I know alot of these things are situational and we can help her to build her skills if she really is lacking in certain areas but he doesn't want to seek help for tips on how. It really drives me up the wall thinking about how I'm supposed to love and "mother" this child when she is with us but when I have "motherly" concerns I'm ignored.
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Oh Yeah. DH becomes so
Oh Yeah.
DH becomes so defensive about SD. I finally learned what my mama always told me - if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. I had to disengage from SD and DH to save my sanity (and my marriage).
Glynne
It just hurts so bad to see
It just hurts so bad to see her struggling with things like feeding herself. When we had her every other week and I was taking care of her, she was flying past milestones like learning her ABCs and numbers. Now she can barely draw an A. I just hate how the people who have been trusted with her are "too busy" to help her develop into the amazing person she has every right to be.
Thetis, you care. And that
Thetis, you care.
And that is what is hurting you. You care about your SD and see that she is not getting the help and attention that she needs. This is what is so hard about stepparenting. Your partner wants you to care about their child but you have no say so in their care. You see the child slipping further behind in education and maturity - you suggest tutors and counseling and your advice is seen as a criticism. This is tough stuff and I don't have an answer that you will like. I had to disengage. Maybe you will be different and you will be listened to. I hope so - because it sounds like you had the child's best interest at heart.
Glynne
Well it sucks especailly
Well it sucks especailly because I don't talk much to the Bm. I'm trying to get past my own issues with her and I don't think we're at that place yet where I can talk to her about my concerns. Sd has said things like "Grandma feeds me" or "Grandma says I'm too small to dress myself" and I don't know if this stuff is true. We make Munchkin dress herself or feed herself because kids all need to practice this stuff. But she can't even do up buttons. She's almost four. I wish Bm would just get her own place and stop letting her mom ruin Munchkin.
As a BM I would be hurt if
As a BM I would be hurt if someone thought my kids were slow--whether or not they were the SP/family member. I just would.
This is an incredibly hard
This is an incredibly hard place to be put in. It's understandable that the bio-parent would become defensive. Is there anyone else in the family you can talk to (how about your DH's parents/siblings/anyone DH is close to?) who might be able to talk to him about her development without it seeming like they are intruding? The more people it comes from the less it will seem like you are being critical.
Does SD go to daycare? Day care providers might be willing to discuss with DH and BM. Also, is she going to be going to kindergarten this upcoming fall? If so, there will be testing done and you may just have to wait until then to have someone else bring it up...maybe then it will hit home for DH to realize that she is behind. Purchase some kindergarten-readiness tools or go to your town's library and get some. Have him look through them and see how behind she is. If she's not yet ready for kindergarten, get her involved in SOMETHING - even if it's just a swimming class or a gymnastics class. She will be surrounded by other kids and maybe that will make her (and DH) realize that other kids her age put their own clothes on and go to the bathroom by themselves. If you can't get to the bio-parents, maybe you can get to the kid? What about pre-school? Is that an option if she's not going in to kindergarten? What about taking her to a general doctor appointment? A pediatrician can recommend a plan of action and assess her for disabilities, IF that is what is going on.
I feel your pain because my SS2 is behind in many areas, and I'm very certain he will need speech classes pretty soon. I'm not sure what to do becuase when I mention it to DF he says he's fine and that he's just a "little" slow adn will catch up soon. He turns 3 this summer and his vocabulary is probably about 50 words...my speech pathologist friend tells me at TWO they should have 100 words. Being an educator, I worry about him because if he doesn't get help soon it will affect his learning AND his desire to learn, because it will be so difficult for him. When I bring it up, my DF isn't "too" opposed to getting help but I can tell he kind of shuts down. I don't know how to push him to get him to a doctor and get checked. I also feel for you that every time SD goes away for awhile she comes back and is back to square one...we have that as well. BM teaches the kids things like, "Shake, shake your booty" and "Smack that, get on the floor..." instead of learning their ABC's or how to count. SO frustrating.