Things have been good on the skid/DH front
or as good as they can be...DH is still stepping up and drawing boundaries with skids and using words like "no". I've been feeling like WOW....things are going okay.
Then in good fashion....my OWN kids start in on me. I swear I can't catch a break.
I'll make it short.
DD17 has wanted nothing to do with me for the last 2 years and has lived with her dad...I rarely see her unless she can benefit. Her father has guided her to hate me...disrespect name...name call me. I raised her as a stay home mom...but after the divorce she blamed me and sided with dad....who rewarded her for treating me badly. I had another baby......and that was when she left my house for good.
She wouldn't come see the baby in the hospital....she's declined spending mother's day with me....or my birthday....at Christmas she came over long enough to open gifts and immediately left. She smart mouths me when I see her....and is physically mean and verbally abusive to DD15 and DD12.......
I gave up.....let her go and went on living my life without including her. I had to.
So because DD17 has cut me out of her life..(keep in mind I tried for years to right the ship, but nothing I did would work)....she still thinks she should get invited to our family vacations....in these last 2 years she hasn't been invited to one of them and usually starts "going off" on me days before each vacation or event.
So today.....I get a text from my sweet,kind,selfless, soft hearted DD15.......it was very mean. Kids are with their dad this week.....we have a family trip to Disney pretty soon for 8 days....DD15 decides last night to text me about how wrong it is that DD17 is not and is never included.....and then proceeds to say that if DD17 can't go with us....then she will not be going either. This same DD17 just a few months slapped DD15 across the face in my living room.....and last year DD17 kicked DD15 in the back at the top of the stairs causing her to fall down half a flight of stairs.....hence my "being done with DD17"
I was taken way back.........and my feelings were hurt and I cried and was late to work when I saw the text this morning.
I just can't win. What do I even do? I have not replied to the text.....and I won't. I pick DD15 and DD12 up on Sunday....but I dont' even know how to reply.....or what to do.
Help!
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This is tough ThisIsNotUs but
This is tough ThisIsNotUs but I will say this....don't feel like you have to switch up and include your 17 year old daughter because your 15 year old feels "its not fair". Yes, she's entitled to her feelings & opinions but don't allow that to hold you hostage. Your 15 year old has no idea what this is all like for you and personally I wouldn't reward your estranged D17 with a vacation. She doesn't get to only come by because she benefits from a vacation, not how it works.
Have a one on one conversation with D15 and communicate your thoughts and feelings on this and she can take from it what she wants...At the end of the day, do what is comfortable and best for you.
Hugs!
I would never switch it up...
I would never switch it up....DD17 isn't going no matter what.....if I had to choose ( I don't) between DD17 going with us....or the entire family staying home...I would choose to stay home.
I've had the conversation until I'm blue in the face with DD17 regarding any other trips/events we have taken....she usually starts be-rating me a few days before on how horrible/awful I am.....I don't ever hear from her otherwise.
I have also explained to DD15 in the past...and she knows why...I guess she chose to send me that text last night and take a stand on her sisters behalf.....but DD17 is like an abusive boyfriend to DD15....DD15 wants nothing more than for DD17 to like her....so it appears DD17 is for once being nice to DD15......and this is how I get treated b/c of it.
I do plan to have one more conversation with DD15....and maybe she can understand as it's been about a year since the last one on this issue.
Any possibility that DD17 got
Any possibility that DD17 got DD15's phone and sent the text on her behalf?
That is very possible. I
That is very possible. I would venture to guess that DD17 was in the room telling DD15 what to type. And because DD15 wants the acceptance of her sister (and has her whole life....DD17 has been mean to DD15 for as long as I can remember) she did it.
DD17 is a master manipulator (like dad) and DD15 is so easily swayed in whatever way the wind is blowing........
She's drinking the Dad
She's drinking the Dad Koolaid because she's over there and he's pressuring her, too - working his alienation magic. And DD17 is working on her, too.
Just say, "We can discuss it when you get back here". And then be done. When she gets back and away from her father, then talk to her about it.
OH for sure!! Dad and DD17
OH for sure!! Dad and DD17 alternate between pressuring DD12 and DD15.......it was just last month they were working on DD12......I'll see it out of the clear blue sky one of my kids will just start talking sh&t to me and acting rude and nasty.......
DD15 is trying out her skills
DD15 is trying out her skills at manipulation and as a teenager she's going to challenge you.
Challenge accepted, and her attempt at manipulation can't work. Respond firmly and lovingly. I hope your DD15 learns quickly that she can't play these games with you.
We've been down this road
We've been down this road with the skids. I would wait to talk to BD15 in person. When it comes up I would then ask them questions that cause them to use critical thinking skills for this situation. Why would BD17 start this up again, what purpose does it serve her and haven't we been thru this before with her?? Make it all about the behavior and get them to figure out how toxic it is, between BD and you and then between sisters. Your two younger ones will have to figure out how to balance their father and sister with your home. For the rest of their lives if you want to keep them connected to you. It can be done, as my SD20 is the only skid still connected to DH. Critical thinking skills and making them figure out the game is key.
Don't bother with the text, put your efforts on the two younger ones. Keep being you, don't allow lies and twisted facts to remain unchallenged. Teach your daughters that the relationship between you and SD17 is just that, between the two of you, it doesn't involve them at all. Yes she is their sister and you will respect that but you cannot allow a drama triangle to exist with them, her and you.
Hang in there, the fight is real and devasating at times. DH gave OSS at age 15 to either follow the rules at our house or he didn't need to come over. He stopped coming over. (He also got violent) I really do get what your going thru.
Thanks for that! Rules at my
Thanks for that! Rules at my house played a big part in SD17 staying away. At her dads she has her own car with ZERO rules and comes and goes as she pleases....she has been drinking and vaping and really living like she is 25.
Its really hard for me because my younger kids always have an out to run to dad.....even though by court order I am their custodial parent I often fear one or both will follow in SD17 foot steps.....I’m constantly walking on egg shells.