Advice would be great....
Hi fellow Step Parents,
I have a rather unusual situation, my partners kids don't have a mother, well they do, but she is AWOL, she left when they were 2 and 3 years old, then came back into their lives 2 years ago, they lived with her and she screwed with their minds and was just wanted to the government assistance for having kids live with her. They are now 15 & 16 years old.
When I met my partner he didn't have the kids living with him, they lived away with his mother (either grandmother) about 4 hours away, we saw them about once per month. Then they lived with their biological mother, and that fell apart, so the youngest came to live with us (just 3 months after we moved in together), and now the oldest is living with us for the past 3 months.
I am in my 50's,, never had children (couldn't) I have been divorced for 10 years.
They are exhausting!!! The youngest and I are like mother and child, he even calls me mum, we get along great, however, the oldest is surley, know it all, full of himself teenager and carries a chip (and agression) on his shouders. Now he is not at school, he works 5 days per week. This is his excuse of not doing 1 thing around the house.
I have read many of your stories of how to disconnect, I feel i need to do this, I am doing too much, I am a giver and I feel I am now empty. I don't want to loose this relationship, we are planning on getting married next year, we got engaged in April. We are very much in love, but I just want our life back without kids and the boring crap that goes along with it.
My husband works shifts and quite a lot of the time he doesn't get home until after 8pm. So after a days work (I work full time) I need to feed, water the garden, bring in washing, clean up, etc the list goes on, (I get up at 5:15am and go to the gym), I am exhausted. The youngest does help, but oldest just stays in his room and only comes out to eat and goes back in again. (between us, I find that he is uncomfortable to be around)
Thank you for reading and your comments and advice would be really appreciated on how to get some of myself back.
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Comments
Disengaging sounds like a
Disengaging sounds like a great first step. Disengaging just means relinquishing the parental duties. It doesn’t mean you have to stop having a good relationship with the younger boy. You will just be letting them make their own dinner and do their own washing or dad can do it for them if he wants.
I would also put a hold on marriage plans. Let things settle down and see if this really is what you want. Life with children in the house is more boring and tiring and does leave less couple and me time. If you decide you don’t want that then walking away is fine.
THIS!!
See how SO reacts when you start to disengage from the older ones. If he is understanding, then think about marriage in another 5 yrs or so.
If he gives you the slightest bit of gaslighting or pushback do NOT consider marriage and in fact seriously think about moving on.
Thank you, your response is
Thank you, your response is great. Over the past couple of days my partner has stepped up, making dinner during the day between his shifts so they can microwave their dinner when they are ready. One problem getting sorted out.
I have decided to reconnect with a some friends I haven't seen for some time, and start to do more of my own thing (eg going out tonight with a couple of girlfriends).
I feel this pump in the road is a wake up call for me to start to reconnect with my hobbies and interests.
The future will unfold, but I am feeling more positive and finding my inner strenght to deal with it all.....
Thanks
It is sad how easy it is to
It is sad how easy it is to loose ourselves and our interests and friends when trying to make the step family thing work. We are picking up the parenting slack and sacrificing parts of ourselves while our partners benefit from an additional parental figure in the home. I’m glad you are planning on getting back into your own activities and keeping up with friends.
Out of curiosity why is one
Out of curiosity why is one of the kids not attending school at 15 or 16 years old? Does your partner stress to the kids to help with chores in the house and give appropriate consequences if they dont follow through? He needs to parent them and continuously be consistent about his expectations. I'd hold off on getting married if I were you. You may have these kids in your home longer than expected if your partner is not preparing them for the "real world" and to launch.
This may not be a relationship you'd want to continue to have if your partner is not stepping up.
He just didn't bother to go
He just didn't bother to go to school, always in fights and just didn't attend, was suspended a dozen times he just didn't care. He wasn't under our roof then.
There are no consequences for his actions, if he doesn't clean/tidy his room - NOTHING. I have just stopped, stopped trying to make it work, stopped trying to show him how to do things, stopped asking, just stopped.being there and stopped being interested. I have to reshift my focus and focus on the things that do matter and don't give it any more energy.
Onwards and upwards.