Like the others have said you are crying for the dad you should have had, and it hurts so much because you saw him appear to be the dad you wanted with his other children.
Its unfair that he treated you in such a terrible way, denying you of a proper dad and denying your kids of their grandfather, you can almost logically jusitify it if he was that way with all his offspring but no, he cherry picked with his children and how can a father do that? You are probably having some thought in there about how is that possible as a parent now you have your own.

You do whatever you need to, grieve however you need to. He may have never been a dad to you but at the end of the day he was still your father and without him you wouldnt be standing where you are. Good or bad the experiences he gave you are part of what makes you who you are today.

Sorry for your loss, not so much in his death but more in your childhood for you and your sibling who missed out on having a decent dad.

When my dad passed away, I was just so disappointed that it was over. It was never ever going to get any better. The hope that I had that he would change was gone.

When you're ready to DO something with your feelings, maybe try what I did.

Write a letter. This letter is to tell him how you feel, how hurt and angry and confused his actions made you feel. About his mistakes.

Then, after a couple of days, write another letter. This letter is to the man who contributed the DNA that helped make you who you are. The strong, intelligent woman, who is kind and loving and a great parent. He didn't know how to be your dad when you were born, and sadly, he never learned. But still, without him you and DD wouldn't be here. What qualities do you have that you can attribute to him? Maybe you have beautiful eyes, or your daughter is athletic like him... I don't know.

But these two letters helped me give all the drama that surrounded my relationship with my dad a place. Maybe something similar will help you too.

My condolences on your loss.

I normally don't reply to too many posts on here, but yours hit close to home for me.

My relationship with my father is the furthest from what I have wanted it to be for so long. My childhood growing up sounds much like yours where my half siblings got the Dad I always wanted and the relationship I wished I could have with him.

Even though I have given up trying, and have accepted how things are as best I can, I dread the day he passes because I know it will be hell for me.

Still_Fearless said it best with, "You hurt for the little girl inside you that wanted that dad that never could have been and wanted so desperately to be."

I think that maybe with my dad still alive, and perhaps when yours was still alive, there was still a slight chance of hope that maybe, just maybe, one day he would see the error of his ways and come around to realize things and try to make amends...no matter how far fetched and hopeless the chance might have been. Now, with him gone, there is nothing. That chance is completely gone.

I feel for you. I truly do.

I've tried to take my experiences with my dad, which did and continue to still suck for me til this day, and take some positive out of it. I've learned how I will never treat my kids and also how I will continue to treat my kids so that they never feel the pain I did and they will always feeled loved, nurtured, and special to me.

He's still your father and it's ok to cry. You are having a normal reaction even if you spent your life being disappointed by him. Perhaps the crying is grieving for all that was lost when he was alive? Hugs to you!

I'm so sorry (((HUGS))). I agree with Fearless. Please do whatever you need to do to let yourself let it all out and grieve.

It was your mother he rejected, but seeing you was too close. It wasn't you, but for whatever reason, he couldn't face you because he couldn't face your mother. I am NOT saying it is your mother's fault. Life is too complex, and you may never get the answers you seek. Make your life the best life!

You were robbed of an opportunity to have a real dad. And it's understandable you'd mourn that. It wasn't fair. And it wasn't your fault. But you pay the price anyway. I can't even imagine your pain.

As SPs we understand many times it's adult situations that cause sad childhood relationship issues with birth parents. I agree with NotTheBradyBunch, not saying it's your mothers fault at all, but somewhere along the line some adult probably failed you and you are innocent of that.

I'm so very sorry for your pain and your loss!

(((Hugs)))

It's okay to grieve. A chapter in your life has closed and it your body is giving you the opportunity for a cleansing.

I also wonder how I will feel when "the day" comes with my mother. We have not spoken since last September. She has lupus and was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. I have no idea how she is doing as her sisters, my aunts, are rallying around my mother and won't communicate with me.

I agree with the others on here.....you are grieving for what you had lost not just as a little girl, but your whole life without a dad. For what could have been, but was not.

((hugs)) and I am very sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself.

I'm another one that can relate except it was my mom and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Yes you're grieving what could have and should have been and the lost opportunity to ever "make things right". At the most like others have said, you are parenting your DD the way you wished your dad had parented you. It's always a plus when we can take a positive from a negative, not that it helps right now when you're going through so much suffering.
Just remember that it really doesn't have to do with anything you did or didn't do but rather the failures and faults in your father.
I remember when my mother died I was the only one who didn't shed tears as we were all gathered when "the plug was pulled" that day. But then again I too was singled out from my siblings and they didn't experience what I had.
I don't know how close you are to your half-siblings, but unless they partook in any of the cruel treatment, please don't blame them for what your father did. Depending on the relationship you have with them may actually help as you sort these feelings out. Without knowing what your relationship with them is though, don't torture yourself anymore by maintaining contact and/or a relationship with them. I know it was and is still hard for me as my siblings and my dad sanctify my mother and I just cannot join them in that.
Please PM me anytime if you want someone to talk to.
My heart goes out to you and I wish the best for you!

I am so sorry. I oftentimes think the pain will end only when my father's life does. But that's not the case at all is it? Maybe the only solace you can have is that he's no longer able to find new ways to hurt you anymore. No more rubbing in your face what a great dad he is. His Facebook page, his persona he put forth, all of that was a lie. You've always known the truth about him. He attempted to rewrite his story. In death, I believe we are all faced with the hard truth. I honestly believe his soul has at least another round to go. Rest assured.