Stepson accused me of cheating
My boyfriend of 4/years has been living with my children and me for the past year. We love him, but its changing, he's not engaging with the kids as much,he's not keeping his share of the bills paid.and what makes it almost a deal breaker is his 18 year old son who spent the summer with us, wants to live with his dad once he finishes high school in June. Him staying in my home all summer was a nightmare. He is messy, and very disrespectful. He accused me of cheating on his father.a complete lie. I'm facing loosing another father to my children.but I can't do it...my boyfriend is horrible with keeping the money part down packed because he's spending on games,and so on for his son. Anyone dealing with a similar situation. What are your thoughts? I refuse to live with his son.
- Tina22's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Your BF disengaging from your
Your BF disengaging from your kids is acceptable. It's not his job to play Replacement Daddy, just as it isn't your job to play Replacement Mommy to his kid. This is a battle you can't win.
However, if he isn't keeping up with his portion of the bills (ie, if there are four of you in the home where it's you and your two kids him, he is paying 1/4 of the bills), that is a problem. It's disrespectful to a partner to not keep up with one's obligations, and it is totally grounds for splitting up. You can't have a good relationship without having a partner who meets their obligation. If he is willing to work with you on a solution, then work it out. If he isn't willing to actually change his behavior, your relationship will eventually deteriorate into resentment and anger.
As far as his son living with you - that's a sticky point for many stepfamilies. Ultimately, though, if you own the house and BF isn't paying his own way, you have every right to say that SS won't be living with you and you won't even discuss it until BF gets his own sh!t together.
Ultimately, ask yourself why you want to be in a partnership with a man who can't even financially care for himself at your detriment.
Thank you! Yes 1/4 is about
Thank you! Yes 1/4 is about rite. He could give more but his extra income goes on clothes and unnecessary items for his son.who should be working after school
It's not his responsibility
It's not his responsibility to pay more UNLESS it's an expense that he exclusively wants, like faster internet or cable, OR he has a job/hobby that increases the overall household bills, like having a shop in the garage that uses a boatload of electricity.
He is not responsible for you and your kids, just as you are not responsible for him and his. You can't expect him to chip in more just because he has the means to do it.
Doesn't seem fair to me. I
Doesn't seem fair to me. I cook,clean,do it all. Yes just basically paying for himself. He moved in my house. I just feel like I'm not getting a fair share here
His FINANCIAL obligations and
His FINANCIAL obligations and his HOUSEHOLD obligations are two different things. One is a landlord/tenant issue (because, while unmarried, he is viewed as a tenant) where he has a financial obligation to pay for himself and any dependents. The other is a relationship issue about equitable share of duties to maintain a home for BOTH of you.
Unless there is some agreement you two make where he pays more than his share of the bills as an offset to his household duties like cleaning, then you have two very separate but very harmful issues. If he isn't paying you and isn't doing household chores, he's using you and isn't worth your time.
I appreciate your opinion. He
I appreciate your opinion. He was suppose to help and agreed to give more"soon"
.neither has happened after a year. We do love him and I know he loves us...but I'm so frustrated
SS is the main reason I have
SS is the main reason I have asked my BF to please move out. 1/4 of the bills is certainly not enough. I was being understanding as he took apaycut after loosing his 18 year job,but what is fair is fair and I don't feel as though this is fair to me
I will not have ss move in. I
I will not have ss move in. I feel horrible because I know this means we will go our separate ways. I'm so sad over it and want to make sure I'm making the best choice. And whenSS was here for 3 months..no, there was not a penny extra that he gave
The kid is either outright
The kid is either outright trying to break you up or he's parroting what his father is saying. You've been given many signs that this relationship is not practical for the long haul. He doesn't want to be dad, doesn't want to pay his share. His kid is disrespectful and falsely accusing you. You'd be much better of being a single mom for awhile and getting your life in order before dragging another family in.
Thank your all for your
Thank your all for your input. It's so hard because yes, the kids are attached to him. He slowly has become distant from them. And yes, his kids doesn't do anything for himself nor will he anytime soon. I feel heartache for my kids, they do love each other. I'm always with the kids in his presence, the bond is strong. But yes, I know I'm being blind because I'm 40, don't want to start over, don't bring any man around my kids so it's not easy for me and yea...I do want that hope...that I haven't wasted yet another 4 years, Cuzco I do give my all to one person. I'm reading here what I been telling myself all along. Sad but true. I'm more beneficial to him then he is to me..I will be ok.loney.but ok
Just make it clear in a calm
Just make it clear in a calm firm manner that his son cannot move in and that is NOT NEGOTIABLE. Refuse to argue. You do not have to justify this decision.
Your house your rules, make
Your house your rules, make it clear SS18 ill not be moving in, Your cheap skate Husband.. WTF why are you allowing him not paying bills?
Tell him, from now on you will pay me up front monthly for your share, if not... good bey
This man is only living with you for the convenience of having a wife supporting his lazy ass, and he raised his son to be this way, put your foot down and say NO..
True that his son is just as
True that his son is just as lazy. Let's say I'm paying $2000 in rent...he's paying $500 for rent,food,and anything used in the house. Not very fair to me..is it???he does not want his son in the military, basically when his son is done with school,if the son doesn't want to goto college, his plan is to get a job working in aunion
If between rent, utilities,
If between rent, utilities, food, cable, etc, that total is $2000, then yes, $500 is fair. If $2000 is only for rent, but with food, utilities, etc your expenses are $3000, he owes you $750. This assumes you have 2 kids and they live with you full time. If you have more kids, his proportion of your overall expenses decreases. However, if your kids only visit EOWE, he would be responsible for more of the expensives (not half, but probably 1/3) since there aren't other people inflating bills nearly as frequently.
As a SM, it is not my responsibility to help my DH pays for his kids and their living arrangements unless I choose to. When you enter into a relationship as someone who has kids or with someone who has kids, you don't go in equitably unless you have an equal number of kids. Your kids are your responsibility, and having a partner even pay 1/4 of expenses is helpful. You'd be hard pressed to find adequate housing and pay your major bills with you and 2 kids for $2250 a month, which is what you would pay in the scenario above.
Your issue, though, is that he won't pay AT ALL despite having the means to do so. That's less of an issue of equitable split versus an issue of him being a user.
TBH... I think adult "shares"
TBH... I think adult "shares" of a household budget are likely to be bigger than a child's. Kids may be sharing a room. Kids eat smaller amounts of food that are often less expensive (chicken nuggets vs steak). They also have smaller volumes of laundry, take fewer showers etc..
It sounds like this guy is paying some minimal 1/4 share and has slid his son in the backdoor and not made any adjustment to his spending. Certainly the BF couldn't find another place to live on the 1/4 share amount he is paying.
If OP is inclined to try to work things out, she needs to try to get a better financial arrangement with the guy. AND.. that 18 plus graduate can only stay if he is WORKING and paying his full share of household costs. Kids don't need to go straight to college, but they can't just sit at home lazy. I would be "OK" with the boy having a bit of time off in the summer before college..or before a lined up full time job.. if he would get somethign PT for the summer or if he had some "enriching experience" in mind like volunteering or a mission trip etc..
Unfortunately, it does seem a bit like the guy is taking advantage of the cow and all her free milk. Now that he doesn't have to be nice to her kids.. he ignores them. Although, it is possible that her kids act out in ways that made him distance himself... hard to know for sure based on the perspective we are getting here. But none of it absolves him of his obligation to financially contribute and tote his fair share of responsibility.
I have teenage SSs, one of
I have teenage SSs, one of whom is already as large as my DH and the other who eats more than any of us since he is going through growth spurts. They are just as expensive as the adults, lol.
Overall, though, I understand what you mean. I still don't think it should be a 50/50 split, but I could see there being an argument for 70/30 or something similar.
It definitely depends on the
It definitely depends on the ages. If her kids are growing teens.. then their food bills could be higher. But, if her kids are still fairly young, they probably don't have huge costs. Again, every situation may be different and require different accounting. Shoot, many people make the split also take into account relative incomes too.
It just sounds like this guy is paying the minimum and taking maximum advantage.
In the beginning he was
In the beginning he was perfect with the kids, and they really love each other and did so many things all of us together as a family. I don't want to portray him as a loser or a bad guy because he's not, he's honestly a good person he has a good heart, he's sweet and he is kind he was down on his luck after being in a job for 18 years and he was let go, he took a pay cut. And he does work. But I do feel that yes, he did become very comfortable. I would say, since I had this situation with his son this summer that he has distanced himself from the kids. He still there when they need him, but he's not. And the same. I understand his financial difficulty and have been patient for a very long time, however, now that he has started a better paying job. And basically refused to increase the amount he's giving me, I'm thinking yes he is using me. His son does not plan on getting a job for. At least a year, his plan is to sit around and do absolutely nothing, no volunteer work, no mission work, no part time his son wants to play video games. He has no other hobbies. When I suggested his son working this past summer, my boyfriend said, why don't you put your kids to work? Also my kids. Our 15 and 10. In this situation has become incredibly stressful and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack because I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have. I know that his son will be 40 years old living with him leaching off of him doing absolutely nothing with himself.
When I suggested his son
When I suggested his son working this past summer, my boyfriend said, why don't you put your kids to work?"
I think it's pretty hard for kids to get "real" jobs under the age of 16. BUT, I would have been encouraging my 15 yo to try to pick up some baby sitting or neighborhood yard work. OR.. volunteer or do some other enrichment activity during the summer.
I think it's completely different situation when an adult 18 year old is not working. Your minor kids have a "job" it's called going to school. When THEY are older I would expect YOU make them get appropriate employment.
I'm completely frustrated,sad
I'm completely frustrated,sad and overwhelmed at this situation. His son has made us fight and bought ongoing tension,questions about fidelity,a problem I never ever had with my bf. I could of stuck out my BF getting financialy situated,as he just got a better job and should pay me more,that was a month ago. But I just can't stomach his son living with us....its not happening. My boyfriend will be moving out when he finds an apartment
TIna, if your boyfriend
TIna, if your boyfriend believed his son about you cheating and not you, then it's already a problem...
Your boyfriend is sponging off you and will move out as soon as he finds an apartment, bullshit, he's trying to play with your feelings, simply tell your boyfriend, no Sir, you will move out within 30days or start paying half or the expenses and your son still will not move in with us.
Think about it, if BF could afford an apartment on his own he would've paid his fare share towards you.... he's bluffing and hope that you say:
Oh no please don't move out, I love you, your son can sponge off me as well...
Do not fall for that..
From reading the comments,
From reading the comments, your bf sounds more like a mentor than a father to your kids (which is a very healthy relationship in most step-relationships anyways!) So don't worry about them losing one. Instead evaluate what is best for you and your kids. If he's using you (even if it's just financially) then you need to put a stop to that.
I get what it's like throwing a large bulk of the household expenses. And it's frustrating and stressful as s***! So you and your bf need to have a VERY big talk... Don't come in as an aggressor, appeal to his "manly" side. Phrase that YOU need more help because you are overly stressed and struggling to find a balance. YOU need help so you can find that and be a better gf and mother. Then both of you need to come up with a budget and how it's going to be paid. DH and I did that (he had a reckless spending issue...) and we're actually getting finances more under control now
Plus he picked up some side work and actually took a whole bill from me every month! You both just need to get on the same page. Finances are HUGE in a relationship. I firmly believe that if solutions aren't found, resentment builds, and that could completely tear the relationship apart and kill it, no matter how "great" everything else is.
If SS is graduating he's an adult... Firmly tell your bf that you expect ALL adults to work and contribute to the household if they're going to be living there. I.E. he needs to get a job and get on his feet (possibly pay rent to stay there... He shall be a tenant basically). Then he needs to find a real career (college, military, trade school, professional retail sales person that lives in a studio apartment that they pay for...), your home shouldn't be a place to come and roost, it should be the in-between (if that, since SS sounds like such a nightmare) while he's getting on his OWN feet, not a permanent solution. I get staying with parents for a short period. I'm with my in-laws right now, but we ENSURE that we contribute to the household. We don't have tons of money (or we wouldn't be there in the first place... Because I'm not fond of this dependency MIL is trying to create... LOL), so we do the majority of the housework while we're trying to get stable enough to get our own place. If your SS is going to be a nightmare, you shouldn't have to deal with that in YOUR HOME.
My thoughts are: Your BF is a
My thoughts are: Your BF is a liability. Kick him out and get a female roommate who’s okay with living with kids, and/or has one kid of their own.
And that would be a big ‘ol NOPE to his 18 year moving in. “Wants to take time off.” Omg. Did you just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh at that? Time off from what? Responsibilities? Life?
Good grief.
"get a female roommate who’s
"get a female roommate who’s okay with living with kids, and/or has one kid of their own."
Great suggestion!
My ex-stepson took a 2 year
My ex-stepson took a 2 year "sabbatical" after high school, living with his grandmother and not working. After all, he was exhausted after working soooo hard to get that 2.0 GPA to graduate high school. /s
In reality, he wouldn't have graduated at all if I hadn't negotiated with his teachers, and persuaded them to just pass him through so they wouldn't have to teach him again during summer school, or the next year.
After two years, my ex-DW/Partner got a call from ex-SS saying he was "depressed," but didn't want to talk about it by phone. Partner hurriedly arranged a meeting with ex-SS, when he revealed that he was depressed because his grandmother was finally insisting that he get a job, and would have to start working. Puke.
It never ceases to amaze me how lazy and entitled these kids can be.
I agree with you! This
I agree with you! This entitled lazy kid is not doing his beat in school and when he" passes" his classes with 70's he demands $150 clothes! Unbelievable!!! Your as was very lucky to have you! He wouldn't of graduated
Momjeans...lol! Yes I did
Momjeans...lol! Yes I did laugh at his thought of taking time off to be lazier on top of lazy. Thank you,I needed to laugh again. I feel horrible anxiety,there's just no doubt in my mind and my heart, I already know one of my answers...he's not living in my house. I'm sorry also,but my 16 year old daughter would also be put in an uncomfortable place. Not to mention his hour long showers...entire other thread...ugh
That is a great suggestion.
That is a great suggestion. The thing is, even without him, I'm perfectly fine with the bills. I was doing it alone waaaay before him. I believe he somewhat thinks that since I was already doing it,and he moved in...all he needs to worry about is basically his food and a minorcontribution...
If he is having difficulties
If he is having difficulties paying his share of household expenses (which should NOT include paying for YOUR kdis share, that's all on you) how is he going to pay for another person's share?
Make it clear to DH that you WILL NOT pay for his son's share of the household bills. You WILL NOT pay for his son's food.
If you must, make a chart and split it up by expenses per person.
It was your house and your bills, yes - but you decided, together, to SHARE the life.... which means he SHARES the bills.
It's totally fair that he doesn't pay half, because in that, he's right - he shouldn't be financially responsible for your kids.
However, he has inherited half the household chores.
He doesn't get to live basically rent free just becasue he moved into a house where you were already paying the bills. If you were just a roomate and had no kids, he'd be paying HALF.
My bf and I discussed the
My bf and I discussed the living arrangements and he will be moving out, but he said he needs a month or 2 to get himself together in order to leave. Am suffering right now from such horrible anxiety, and I'm normally not this way. I feel trapped in my own home. And I also feel as though if it weren't for mine. S s? Then things would actually be okay. I was never allowed to be a mother figure to him because his biological mom does not allow it. I feel horrible, I really do. In one hand, I'm saying. That I can try to make it work, but not have ss live with us, however, I could try to make it work. With my boyfriend. Get the bill situated. But on the other hand I'm thinking how long is this going to take for him to get his finances situated I was okay when it was just me and my 2 kids we were fine and we actually did more activities than we do now I used to take the kids out to eat and to the movies? And now I feel like I can't do those things because he's here, and if he comes with us, I have to pay because that's what he considers included in the money that he gives me for the month. Am I being too petty about this? It's just bothering me so much, and I've had a bottled up inside for so long and didn't discuss this with anybody, but my boyfriend until I was fortunate enough to find this forum.
Thank you so much everyone. I
Thank you so much everyone. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'm such a woman who has control, this is really bringing me down. My kids dress very modestly, I taught them they don't need more than 6 pairs of pants,name brands are artificial...this ss wears $200 Jordan's! I'm just so disgusted
So now that BF is leaving,
So now that BF is leaving, there's so much tension.,.. We are not talking,it's so awkward and he is saying he needs till May together his finances together.what am I suppose to do til May? Just stay completely uncomfortable in my own home?my heart is hurting, I honestly feel like I'm going to wind up in the hospital
NO - you will not wait till
NO - you will not wait till May, he will move out now, his finances is none of your concern cause know what will happen??
He will keep on spending on games and not pulling his weight, he's not going to contribute 2cents towards your expenses, cause he has to get his finance in order, call him out on his bullshit, he had to think about being homeless before he took advantage of you, You need to find peace and yourself.
Tell him NO.... you move out now....
Totally agree with Acra on
Totally agree with Acra on this one. If he is planning on leaving and made it clear, he needs to go now. You aren't married, there is no joint property to separate. He needs to go, and make sure that he doesn't take your things in the process.
As nice as it would be to
As nice as it would be to force him out immediately, he has probably acquired some rights as a tenant so that you might not be able to legally remove him immediately. I certainly would not pay for anything of his (no food, no outings). You might want to look into what kind of legal notice has to be given to a tenant if you think he's going to linger. If everything is done legally, you will have some recourse for getting him out.
Its scary to think it would
Its scary to think it would get a far as involving legalities. I still do care for him as a person,so its hard for me to kick him out now. But yes, maybe I should put something in a legal form stating that he has ttill May 1st . he doesn't have a personality that would be defiant or aggressive,but you near knkw