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TinyDancer's picture

Submitted by TinyDancer on Mon, 07/07/2014 - 7:52am

Very disturbing psychological trend, a theme that keeps cropping up on this board.
Found a link that explains it well enough, but still Google it yourselves to see what
other sources you find that might explain it.

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html

Short Definition

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.

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TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Sun, 03/11/2018 - 8:20am

This happened to me just this morning...on a small scale, but still. 

DH has a business trip coming up this weekend so he switched visitation to tonight through Wednesday without telling me until this morning, which is something we've talked about many, many times over the years. Like: 'Oh hey. YSD is supposed to be here this weekend but instead I told her to come over this afternoon through Wednesday." When I called him on it first he said: "Well, I put it on the iCalendar" (aka the one I never check because I'm on Google Calendars for work). That was Deny. 

Then he said: "I thought we'd gotten past this...you send very mixed signals about when it's OK for YSD to come over and when it's not. A lot of times you're really easy going about it and then other times you get upset, so it makes me feel nervous all the time because you're not clear." That was attack. (And, for the record...I am VERY clear. I am incredibly easy going about switching schedules or having YSD over for dinner...when I'm given notice and am part of the decision-making process. When I'm told a couple hours in advance and I have other plans already and haven't gone grocery shopping and don't have time to do so...I'm not so calm. Pretty simple.)

Then he said: "It's because you have too much work and you're too stressed...but you won't lighten your workload so now I have to skip my visitation with YSD. You know. I'm just...so sick and tired of saying 'It's only one more year!' 'It's only 6 more months!' to calm you down. Now it's only TWO. TWO more months...and we're still here. You're making it an issue and a struggle right up to the very end..." And there's the switching of victom and offender. 

Of course...I called him on that BS. I told him I've been asking to have notice and be a part of the decision-making process about who stays in my house for years...so I could just as easily say that HE'S making it an issue right up until the very end. I mean...he's known about his work trip for a month. He couldn't have discussed visitation with me at any point in the last month. Even the last week? 

Anyway...thanks for this. It's so, so true.