Should we go to court over extended guests at BM’s house?
DH has a daughter who just turned 10 and he is very upset about what's going on at BM's. BM has a husband and they share a 6 year old daughter. SD lives with them full time and is with us every other weekend. BM's household is a little unusual, her husband looks like a homeless person, dirty, missing teeth, needs a leg amputated, has cancer and some heart condition. From what I understand he isn't going to live much longer, but idk really what the deal is there. I guess he's a nice guy cause SD seems to like him and calls him "dad". None of them work and they all live on disability. Recently the new husband's adult daughter and her boyfriend have moved into their small-ish 3 bedroom house and SD had to start sharing a room with her half-sister, which isn't the end of the world, but now 2 more people have showed up and they are sleeping on air mattresses and the driveway is filled with vehicles. SD turned 10 a few weeks ago and she was with her mom on her birthday. SD is with us now and we asked how was her birthday and she said they didn't do anything or give her any presents, that they are saving to get her something and she has to help them pay for it. I'm a little confused and not sure if this warrants going to court over, but DH is so upset he's in tears over it. It sounds like money's an issue over there, and I'm not sure what's up with all the new people at their house. DH is also concerned about her school work since apparently her grades aren't doing well, but he does not have access to her school records and BM won't provide anything. They otherwise have a pretty amicable relationship and I suggested just talking to her about it and maybe offering to help by keeping SD with us more, but he doesn't think BM will cooperate. He says she won't want to loose her child support. How would you approach this situation? I'm wondering if we should reach out to an attorney for some direction.
- trace38's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sounds sketchy but.....
I agree the household sounds a little sketchy but at this point, it doesnt sound like SD is being harmed. I dont know what grounds you'd have for any custody change. Putting the best spin on it. SD is seeing, in person, that family members help one another when they are down. And, we can't control what goes on at BM's house, just like she can't control our household.
The grades are a legitimate concern. How does he know grades are slipping?
It sounds like you have a good relationship with SD and she talks freely with you. I'd try to keep the communication flowing so you can continue to assess the situation, as well as maintaining a stable household. There's not much else you can do.
Thank you! Yes, this is what
Thank you! Yes, this is what I said to DH, we can't control what they do in their house and they can't control what we do in ours. If we had friends or family crashing in our living room it wouldn't be reason for SD to not be here, so why is it there. I think maybe he's concerned about the influence of who she's around and possible neglect especially surrounding the birthday issue. He literally came in crying saying that they didn't even get her a birthday present. I try to empathize, but I look at it like they are going to do what they are going to do. Unless SD is in danger there's probably not much you can do other than offer to take some stress off their plate by keeping SD with us more, if BM will allow.
Does the BM
Rent this place or own it? Either way she is probably allowing people to rent out space (illegally) at her place. The dirtbag neighbor who was on a land contract next to our rental was renting out space in "his" house illegally (not to code). I would call the code enforcer or if she rents, the property owner (easily found out via online tax rolls). We ended up buying Mr. Dirtbag out of his land contract.
They actually live in a house
They actually live in a house that BM's father owns and they just pay the mortgage. I doubt they are doing anything wrong letting people stay there. DH is just concerned it's turning into a flop has and he feels like he can't protect his daughter. More so I think he's really upset that they just skipped over her 10th birthday like it was nothing.
Again
It could be a SAFETY issue if the place is over occupancy. There could be fire code violations where it would be impossible to escape in the event of a fire. Not to mention bed bugs and the like if these people are as vagabond as you describe.
It sounds like your DH
should be able to contact the school directly about his concerns. Why isn't he communicating with the school directly instead of relying on BM for info? As long as he shares legal custody he should have access to school info and added to their email lists, parent info etc ...
As long as SD is not being harmed I would stay out of BM's household dynamics.
Extended family moving in is
Extended family moving in is not court worthy. Siblings (full, half, step) share rooms all the time. Extra cars in driveway are only a problem if they somehow violate local zoning. As long as the child is fed, clothed, and not abused, no court is going to care about lack of a birthday present.
DH can get school information from the school. If he wants the information, he needs to ask for it. The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974 (FERPA) gives rights to both parents regardless of the custody situation. This right is not dependent on the consent of the custodial parent.
Thank you! This is what I was
Thank you! This is what I was thinking too. I appreciate your sharing that information about the school act.
Not court worthy
But health and safety/code violation worthy
Who are the two latest
Who are the two latest arrivals and, more importantly, where are they sleeping on their airbeds? Not in the girls' room, I hope.
No, not in SD bedroom. I
No, not in SD bedroom. I think they are just in the living room. It's BM' husband's daughter's half sister and one of her friends. Try to follow that chain without going cross-eyed lol!
I think all of this would be
I think all of this would be worth a chat with an attorney to figure out where your DH would stand. Additionally, your DH should reach out to the school and demand to be added to any online portals they use and be added as a parental contact. He should also schedule a meeting with SD's teacher to introduce himself and get more info.
I highly doubt your DH would get full custody based off what you said. If you all live in the same school district, he *might* get 50/50 custody. But that would still cost quite a bit in attorney fees to do. The court may also side with BM to keep custody the same solely because the CS she receives makes her less of a burden on social programs like SNAP (or whatever your equivalent is if you're outside the US). Or your DH will get 50/50 paying the same CS.
I am jaded, though, and have little faith in the court and child welfare system unless there is very real cause for the child to switch custody. The BM in my life was literally homeless (lied to my DH about it - long story) and working with an agency that is a step above CPS whose sole purpose is to keep people out of CPS. Did that agency ever once contact DH to see if he could keep the kids while BM got back on her feet? Nope. Was DH still paying his CS through the courts in a way that it would have been easy to get his information even without BM's help? Yep. By the time he found out BM was couch surfing and not living in the friend's rentable basement apartment that he had been told she was living in, she had already signed a lease for an apartment. Even if DH took her back to court, she had "stabilized" enough. Same thing happened when she brought in the new BF who was a registered sex offender - by the time we found out about him, he was gone and the problem "solved".
An attorney is your best bet about custody. The school is your best bet about grades. If you have evidence that the people living with SD are a danger to her, your best bet is CPS. BUT just because BM lives differently than you would or can isn't enough to flip custody. It has to be having a negative impact on SD beyond struggling with her grades.
"CPS whose sole purpose is to
"CPS whose sole purpose is to keep people out of CPS." Well said, keeping children out of dangerous and abusive homes isn't even on the CPS priority list. The kids that do get removed and placed in foster care often do have 1 safe parent but CPS refused to get involved in custody disputes so it's easier to dump the kids on strangers.
What LT Dad said 100%.
What LT Dad said 100%.
Contact the school directly about school related issues. They are legally required to tell him everything.
Contact a lawyer and get their thoughts... maybe 2-3 for consults to make sure that they aren't just after your money.
My only other suggestion would be, if you are financially able, offer BM to take SD more while there are extra people in the house. Make it seem like you are doing BM the favor, one less mouth to feed. Maybe SD just goes there on the weekends, but offer to leave CS alone. See if she will agree to it. Ride that out for a few months and THEN go after legal custody and reducing CS.
Does your state have an
Does your state have an online site for sex offenders, check it if they do.
Background check
Can you get names and ages of all these people who are couch surfing at BM's and background check them? That way you can make sure no child molesters are living there. Maybe you can request a mediation to do this, if BM doesn't want to give DH that info.
My DH background checks every man that Bioho has ever had over to her house. He also introduces himself to the men as the girls' father and that he will personally torture and kill anyone who harms his little girls. He gives the guy the crazy eyes as he is saying it, and smiles showing all of his teeth. It seems to be effective. Also, sometimes he mentions that he is "cerfifiably insane." LOL.
Maybe google max occupancy
Maybe google max occupancy laws for your state/county.
Bm has a lot of power
And skipping over birthday wont get full custody, but it would be a good idea to at least get to know who these people are and do some basic checks.
I def would be concerned about her grades. Dh will have to do some footwork to get access.
I'm not sure you will get much traction in court.
I would call CPS, the health department, and housing code enforcement.
And keep calling them to keep the pressure on BM.
Get ready, it it is bad enough you could very well endi up with SD-10 full time.
Of course, court is also always an option.
I would go all available paths to ensure SD is safe if I was her dad.
Good luck.
If BM is motivated by $$,
If BM is motivated by $$, could your DH offer to have SD at your house more often, but agree to keep CS the same? Has DH worked with SD on schoolwork, or asked her about school and why she's not doing well? Has he called the teacher or contacted the school? If he has joint legal custody, he can do that.
I would not go to court before doing all that and seeing if he can improve the situation. BM needing to allow others to live in her home for financial reasons is unlikely to be a reason to lose custody.