Advice on Xmas dinner

I will try and keep this short. Have been a SM for fifteen years. Biological mother has not been in the picture for thirteen years. Have always butt heads with SD. She is now twenty two and has told me five months ago that she had to tolerate me but now she doesn’t have to so now wants nothing to do with me. My family has a big Xmas dinner and I don’t know if I should go or totally stay away. The last time I saw her she wouldn’t speak to me or even look at me. Very hurtful.

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Why should you avoid YOUR

Why should you avoid YOUR family dinner? SD is not worth it. Go to your family dinner and ignore her. Be polite. If she says hello, return the greeting. If you come face-to-face, fix a pleasant expression on your face, say hello or nod.

At some point in our lives, we will meet people who don't like us. There are plenty who do. Give THOSE people your time and attention.

Don't allow SD the

Don't allow SD the satisfaction of thinking that she can get under your skin. If she doesn't want anything to do with you fine, but remain gracious and above all enjoy this family dinner. DO NOT allow her to rob you of one more minute of happiness. You don't have to speak or engage with her in any capacity.....at this point she's irrelevant.

Have fun darlin' and enjoy your awesome Christmas dinner!

Welcome to the site!

Of course you should go, it's YOUR family dinner. If SD wants to show how poorly brought up she is, that she can't be civil to you on an occasion like this, then it's her loss. If she won't speak to you or look at you - too bad! you have plenty of other family members to talk to. Make sure you are seated well away from her disgusting self, mind you! ;-)

You go and you enjoy yourself

You go and you enjoy yourself in spite of whatever SD does/thinks. If she doesn't 'like' it, she can stay away.

Bright side to not having her speak to nor look at you, she can't annoy you. Skids who behave this way usually are the ones who have nothing worth listening to anyway.

I am assuming SD is not hosting the event and she is no more of a guest than you are. I also assume you meant the gathering is your extended family including your Dh's side (otherwise why would your family include someone who is nasty to you?) Whoever is holding the event obviously wants both you and your husband to come or they would not have extended the invite. You've been around 19 years. It's not like you're going to poof now just to suit SD.

If she attends, approaches you in a rude disrespectable manner (sits there making mean remarks, gets up in your face, you know, that type of thing) I would certainly hope your husband would knock her down a few pegs. If you have doubts of that, speak to him of your concerns before hand.

I'm wondering why she has to

I'm wondering why she has to be there. I would make sure she wasn't invited to anything having to do with my family. She don't want anything to do with me, she misses out on my family events as well.

Don't give SD that kind of

Don't give SD that kind of power over you. Go to the dinner--there are plenty of other people to talk with.

She doesn't have to have anything to do with you. That's her choice. But that doesn't affect the decisions YOU make at all. Other than returning the favor, perhaps.

You need to master looking

You need to master looking thru people. The ability to do that will allow you to be in the same room with SD. She doesn't exist in your world. The Victorians had a way with this. https://www.history.com/news/cutting-was-the-brutal-victorian-version-of...

I live with a skid 16 that

I live with a skid 16 that doesn't talk to me. Im glad we dont talk. I used to try to chat with her ro make conversation. Easier now without javing to try so hard. Go to your party. Enjoy!

I think when OP said "family

I think when OP said "family dinner".. she may have meant her husband's family.. even though it wasn't written exactly that way.. because.. of course, why would her own family invite an adult that didn't want to have anything to do with OP.. and by proxy would probably not want to go to her family's dinner anyway.

Op.. if it's your DH's family.. and SD is the only one that you have an issue with.. why stay away? You can certainly go.. be lovely as pie and just orbit out of SD's area. I had to endure sitting at a wedding dinner at the same table with my DH's EX.. it IS possible to just not acknowledge the other person..or just say a cool hello then go busy yourself with other people. If you otherwise enjoy his family, don't let the fact that she doesn't want a relationship turn you off.. who cares what people who don't care about you think? so what if she ignores you? really who cares..

To be honest I care. I have

To be honest I care. I have been there for total of nineteen years and a SM for fifteen and to have someone who I have referred to as my daughter want nothing to do with me and just had to put up with me is very hurtful. I feel like a fool and have brought this individual into my family and my family still accepts her so it’s a little much to swallow. Maybe as time goes on it won’t hurt.

You said you butted heads

You said you butted heads with her the whole time.. is it really surprising that she wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with you? I mean, I understand that you put yourself out there for her.. and her own mom was absent.. and that you tried to care for her.. but obviously those feelings were never reciprocal..

The concept you need to embrace is disengagement. Look, you tried to do your best and the right thing by her.. but no one owes us everlasting thanks.. and she is free to make her own decisions now. You are also free to make your own decisions as to how much you include her in your life. You can't take back the past.. all you can do is move forward with the information you have now. If you need to talk to a counselor to help you get past the hurt.. you should do that.. but this is nothing to do with you...and most likely everything to do with your stepdaughter.. you can't force acceptance.

That is true. Thanks for your

That is true. Thanks for your response

I do want to also acknowledge

I do want to also acknowledge that it is very hurtful when we go out of our way for people and they don't appreciate it. It is one of the biggest downers in step life because even in the best of situations.. kids and even their parents don't understand that as step parents we are stepping in and caring about and for kids we didn't create or ask to be in our lives. But like I didn't thank my folks for every drive or meal.. stepkids are kids that have a general feeling that they are to be "taken care of" and that it's their parents (or surrogat parent's) job to do it.. without specific thanks. I mean, they aren't probablly going through that whole logic.. but kids are self centered and your SD probably has no idea what you sacrificed on her behalf. Unfortunately, she is the one missing out on the chance to have a good relationship with a great person.

So,... go, hold your head up.. you did the best you could... and know you left nothing on the table. but, she has made her wishes clear.. and i would respect them.. but I would be civil to her in situations where our paths did cross.. but wouldn't go out of my way for her again.

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you for your kind words. Very much appreciated.

Whoo Hoo!!!!

It does hurt when we open up our hearts to skids, put them first, sacrifice for them and treat them as our own, only to be rejected and pooped on.

However, I think that once some time has passed and you're able to heal, you'll be doing a Snoopy dance of joy because Madame just handed you a Golden Ticket!!!!!

Embrace and enjoy not having to deal with her anymore. No more catering, shopping, or putting up with her self absorbed nonsense! Free at last, free at last!!

Don't do one damned thing for her this Christmas. Say nothing, just leave it to your H. And go to Christmas dinner looking fabulous with your head held high. She's the turd in the punch bowl, not you. If anyone has the temerity to mention the estrangement, brush away a (pretend) tear and mournfully say "I tried so hard with her). Paint your self as the sympathetic character, and enjoy the festivities.

I agree with many of the

I agree with many of the responses indicating you should go to the Xmas dinner. Please do not let the disrespectful adult SD ruin anything you do or change how you interact with your family. My guess is SD also doesn't care for people close to you who may be your immediate family members. I say this because my DH's adult daughter treats anyone In My family like they don't exist.

If DH's adult daughter did the same to me, I would not invite her to any of my family functions. In fact, my adult SD is not invited to any of my family functions and never will be. None of the adult skids are invited. They treat me like garbage, and can't accept our marriage, so why should we invite them? For them to pull more stunts? No thank you.

I would also let some of your close relatives know what SD said to you. I wouldn't trust SD. I don't get why they are so bitter, but my adult step has and continues try and poison any relative who will listen to her BS, to turn against me. Before SD tries to turn your own family against you, I'd let them know. Don't trust what her. I made the mistake of trusting the adult steps, in particular SD, and she pulled a ton of stuff behind my back to turn people against me. I know because some people have told me and other simply can see through her hatefulness.

Also, your DH along with you, need to take a united front and explain to this hateful brat that you and he will also just tolerate her. Don't be hurt. It isn't anything you did, it seems to be just how some of these hateful adult SD's are.

good luck

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