ROFR Stress
In August/Sept, DH and I took a 2 wk trip. We have week on/week off custody, and the CO states that if we need to have someone watch skids for 5+ days, we have to offer Crazy ROFR during the school year ONLY- that doesn't apply to summer. Of course that trip fell the first week of school, and Crazy said she wanted them. DH insisted on making it a "switch", rather than just offering her skids and her taking or leaving it. The CO says nothing about us making up the time- you must simply give the other parent the first choice to take skids during that time. We even said if she didn't want them we could have them go by DH's parents. But DH doesn't want to seem like a slouch with her taking skids more, and he somehow was worried about her coming for more child support (which isn't an issue with ROFR for a week or 2 a year, especially when we are offering to have skids go somewhere else). Anyway, because DH insisted on switching, it caused a huge fight- this switch caused us to have skids for 3 WEEKS in a row when we got back, and DH worked nights half that time so it's not like he was even seeing them. I told him we are never doing that again, because not only did we have them for 3wks, which is wayyyy too long for me, but they were with Crazy for 3wks, which is wayyy too long for them to be with her. It also caused all kinds of arguments with DH and Crazy on OFW, with Crazy making demands and causing drama around it. And it's NOT NECESSARY because ROFR does not need to be a switch!!
Now, our offer on a vacation home overseas has been accepted! WOOOOO!!!! We will be going there in the next 2 months or so, most likely only for 8-10 days, but with longer trips to follow. DH already said "At least with the shorter trip it won't be a long switch with skids". I just stared at him and didn't say a word, because, here we go. A few days isn't a big deal. But SD is only 13 and SS is 16, which means we still have years of us going there for longer periods of time (2 wks), and the f*ck if we are going to switch with Crazy for 3wks every time. I think it should go "Hey Crazy, we will be gone during our week and since it's the school year we have to offer you ROFR- you can either take skids during that week or they will stay with DH's parents". And that's all. Anything else causes issues and is uneccessary. I honestly don't even want to broach the subject with DH because his level of anger on this topic is unreal. I also feel very strongly about it, but of course my feelings aren't as valid because I'm just a SM.
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Comments
I completely agree that DH
I completely agree that DH and BM's complications to the simple ROFR is stupid. It sounds like both BM and DH are using this situation as their own personal power trip - DH doesn't want to "give up" any time with skids and BM wants to claim as much time and hold that "giving up time" over DH.
This would be my hill to die on, especially if you bought a vacation home and intend for this to be a semi-regular occurrence. No way in heck I'd be dealing with all that for a week or two here or there. If DH wants his "makeup" time, then I would make sure he does it alone. I would be gone, leaving him to pick up his own mess. No way you as SM are going to be responsible for the circus running the show.
I should tell DH that if he
I should tell DH that if he is going to "switch", I will be staying at our vacation home and working remotely while he heads home to spend 3wks with skids. These days, skids are nothing but stress because every week it's some disaster, so I would love to see DH after 3wks with them alone. That solution gets me out of the 3wks with skids, but doesn't eliminate all of the crazy messaging on OFW and the potential for disaster that skids staying with Crazy for 3wks while we are out of the country poses (she has kicked them out multiple times and SS16 and her get into it sometimes, so 3wks is a risk).
All of this is completely avoidable.
You are right that this is
You are right that this is completely avoidable, but you have two adults (DH and BM) who can't seem to realize that they are making boneheaded decisions that have significant impacts on other people. And since they won't change their tactics, you need to change yours.
When this happens to me, I tend to think, "what would BM and DH do if DH was single or if I wasn't in the picture to provide support?" If you weren't around, DH would still have to parent alone, even for 3 weeks. If you weren't around, the OFW messaging and crazy harassment would still continue. If you weren't around, BM would still likely throw her kids out of the house and someone would have to pick up the slack, but it wouldn't be you.
Right now, DH has no issue making these crazy plans because he knows he has you to back him up. The issue is, you can't back him up in this scenario without wreaking havoc on your own sanity, which isn't fair to you. Let DH try it on for size and realize how much of a disaster it actually is. Maybe then and only then, he will reconsider this crazy plan of his and realize losing a week or two with the kids really isn't that crucial.
At the end of the day, you have the right to set your own boundaries if DH won't respect yours. If he keeps making these decisions without considering you or fails to tell BM or skids "No," then just don't be available to be the fall back. You have a right to peace.
You should absolutely do this
You should absolutely do this. If DH chooses to engage in this silliness tell him - he will do it alone. Then follow through. Save your sanity.
DO IT!
DO IT!
Remind your H about how
Remind your H about how things went last time, and tell him if he wants to switch time he'll be responsible for child care because you're tapping out. Be very clear that you will NOT be his babysitter, aka a pawn in this war of the exes.
Unfortunately/fortunately
Unfortunately/fortunately skids are old enough that no one needs to be with them, but I do believe I provide an amount of sanity to DH. It would be interesting to see him handle it for 3wks in a row alone. It has been extremely excessive lately- if, later this year when we go for a longer amount of time and he tries to say he will switch with Crazy, I will remind him of that. I am not cut out for 3wks with 2 teens who are high drama.
How much time during the year
How much time during the year is this really going to encompass of his custody time? is there any way to more carefully plan so the trips to your 2nd home.. either include them going.. or you going when they aren't with you? I can see his concern with CS if the days add up significantly.. and I can see your concern about taking them if they are not easy to deal with.. or have other conflicts.
If it's for fewer than 5 days.. can't he make the choice to let them stay with parents without offering ROFR any way?
Good question!
It will probably be once or twice a year where we will be gone a week of our custody time. The only way we could schedule it around our time is to only go for 1 week while they are at Crazy's, which doesn't really make sense financially or time-wise to do regularly, since flights are so expensive and LONG. Skids are definitely not coming with us each time- After a week-long trip to Mexico we all learned that even THAT is too long to spend together on a trip, they get bored and it's not much fun for anyone. So although we will be taking them with probably once before SS goes to college after next year (he's a Jr.), it will only be for a week.
DH could absolutely have his parents take them if it is less than 5 days...they would never choose to go there- but DH could tell them that's what was happening and it would honestly be a great change of scenery for them and good opportunity for them to spend time with their grandparents and neices/nephews. And it's right down the road from skids schools, so it's not like it's in a different town. DH doesn't like to do that because he knows SS especially would "rather be by Crazy", because that's where SS's video games are.... The whole thing is so frustrating because DH won't tell Crazy or skids no, but my opinion doesn't matter.
I mean.. I doubt she would
I mean.. I doubt she would get much traction with the CS calculation over a whole 2 weeks!
I think your idea of staying an extra week if he tries to flip.. would be ideal... hahaha.
Agreed!
I'm liking it more and more.
Don't ask DH. Tell him.
Period... Dot!!!!
For 2 week trips, could you
For 2 week trips, could you leave a few days into your week, so the grandparents only have them 4 or 5 days of that week, and come back 2 weeks later, so the grandparents again have them only 2 or 3 days of DH's next custody week? So it wouldn't be more than 5 consecutive days. Is the ROFR precise enough to prohibit that?
Brilliant
It is not precise enough to exclude that! Now, it would be getting DH to agree to that because "skids don't want to stay by his parents, they'd rather stay with crazy". As if a week with their grandparents will kill them.
SS will be 17 in May. SD will be 14 in June. DH had alluded to them POSSIBLY being old enough soon (I'm assuming at that age) to stay alone for a bit to avoid any switching (not that switching is needed DH!!!). I'm unsure about it although we do have cameras, neighbors that are friends, and his family nearby...or maybe we could have DH's mom come and stay at our house part of The time...
If you get SK for three weeks again
Why can't Grandparents take SK for the middle week ,, or most of the middle week. GP we're OK taking them if you went on vacation. They should be OK taking them the middle week. SK may enjoy being spoiled by GP .
DH would never
He would NEVER make skids go to his parents. They would complain and he doesn't want to tell them no, plus he doesn't mind them being here. He won't even have them go there when we're not around!