Update on SD refusing to go to school
Today was the first day of school and as far as I know....SD15 WENT. Because she realized we were not going to let her get her way no matter how big of a temper tantrum she threw.
But this disrespectful little brat- I set up a meeting with BOTH of the school guidance counselor's and her/DH last week in an effort to get her "comfortable" going to school. I explained what it was about to SD. Fast forward to the day of the meeting, and I wasn't home. DH text SD to say he would be home shortly to pick her up and she told him she wasn't going to go. She refused to go to the meeting. DH had to cancel it. I only knew what was happening because I was copied on the emails. I knew she was doing it because she thought she was going to force us into doing online schooling, and i also knew DH would be arguing with her. But just to ensure that she knew that I, the person who would be home with her on the weeks she thought she would be home doing online schooling, was in NO WAY going to let this happen, I text her and told her she would NOT be doing online schooling, this was not her decision and she could not bully us into doing what she wanted. We are the adults, she is a child, and it wasn't going to happen, end of story. She replied and argued how she "slept in class all last year", as if that is some valid argument for us allowing her to do online schooling, and how I just wanted the house to myself. Yes, yes I do, and I pay for the F'ng house so I get to make that decision, not an entitled 15yr old who wants to sleep all day (she actually told our friend this when our friend asked why she wanted to do online- "so I can sleep"). She argued for a while and I repeatedly said, You aren't doing it, period. She said "you can't control my schooling". I said watch me, and told her to stop being a disrespectful brat. I showed DH the texts and he was like, oh that's not bad. lol.
DH said he went rounds with her and was screaming at her and told her she wasn't doing online schooling. She continued to say she wasn't going to school and then he said if she refused to go and her mom signed her up for online she would not be doing online schooling in our house- she would be doing it at her moms or somewhere else, but being at our house during the day was not an option. She said "fine". I was annoyed he even relented to that, but it really is a fine line on what can be done. He can't put his hands on her to force her into a car- we learned the hard way how quickly he can get in trouble with the law. I reached out to some police friends and asked- they can only make her go if she is truant (like 10 days in a few months, so if she didn't go 10 days right away they could try and make her go). But she really thought she could just get her way if she refused to go. Crazy emailed the guidance counselor about online schooling options- the guidance counselor replied and copied me, lol, and told her he doesn't handle that, but he was confidant that they could handle SD's concerns and encouraged her to come to school in-person. I also saw that online school requires an adult to sign up to be her "mentor" for 10 HOURS a week. NO ONE is going to do that, especially Crazy.
DH took SD to her new therapist on Thurs, who promptly called SD out on her Bullshit. She was also pushing the same 4hr a day intensive outpatient program that SD had tried for a WEEK and then refused to go back to, and apparently SD said she didn't like it because it was "just hearing about other peoples problems and she didn't care". The therapist told SD that her parents needed to be on the same page about online schooling, and since they weren't, she would be going to school. She also asked DH what he thought about SD's behavior, and what SD needed to work on. HAHAHA. How about being a semi-decent person and not a total Demon? SD, aka Demon, seeing she was quickly losing the online school fight, then agreed to go and meet with the guidance counselor the next day, who said all the right things and told her he hoped she would agree to come to school and not do online. She hesitated, but DH quickly said "well you don't have a choice, so you'll be here". I haven't heard otherwise from DH, so I think she went. But we don't expect this to be the end of this fight this year.
Anyway, the weekend with Demon was absolutely miserable, because I am so sick of her sh*t that I didn't say a word to her, and she is just miserable to be around in general, DH also wanted nothing to do with her. Yesterday was technically our holiday, so Demon should have stayed with us all day/night and gone to school today from our house, but DH literally said "F that", and pretended he didn't know, and dropped her off at Crazy's house mid-afternoon. Crazy didn't seem to realize it wasn't her day, thankfully. When DH got back he said he was so ready for SD to be gone, which, Same DH, Same. I feel bad that he feels that way about his own daughter, because it didn't used to be that way. He would have been fine having full custody at one point. If this is how she stays, I cannot imagine 3 more years of this. I have mentioned disengaging but that just has to happen now.
- TrueNorth77's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Great work, it may not be the
Great work, it may not be the end of the journey on this but at least you and your husband are doing the right things, contacting the right people and setting clear boundaries.
Has the doctor checked your sd out as to why she needs so much sleep or isn't sleeping at night? (Which ever is the case). Or is it a symptom of her depression?
We definitely know why
She stays up all night. This was never an issue until she refused to come by us the last few months of the school year. At our house she had to put her phone on the kitchen counter at 10pm. Sometimes she would even put it there earlier and she would go to bed at 10:30pm at the latest. Within 2 weeks of staying solely at Crazy's, we got an email from her teacher saying she was sleeping in class (she never had before). There are zero rules or guidelines there and SD just stays up all night. DH often gets texts at 3am on school nights. It's amazing it hadn't happened sooner. And now this girl wants to try and say she just sleeps in class (because she stays up all night) so she should do online schooling. Lol. Unreal.
Aah, makes perfect sense.
Aah, makes perfect sense.
My husband refused to put limits on electronics hours too when my sd lived with us and the decline in all things in her life seemed to stem from the introduction of personal electronics being introduced.
Well done for being the household with limits. Sadly when there is another home to run to there isn't anything to be done. Maybe she'll mature at some point and see that putting limits on herself will help her? I've heard girls are awful from 12-15 and then come back to being reasonable people at around 16. My sd16 seemed reasonable this summer visit, but then summer visits are no pressure time so there isn't really anything to push back against.
Skipping?
We had similar school issues with SD62 back in the day but it was before the online days. She and BM had fought so she ended up moving in here full time. Starting a new school at age 15 is hard, I realize, but soon, she'd made enough friends so that she was skipping regularly. I'm guessing you might soon see the same with your SD.
Probably
SD claims she skips by staying in the bathroom during class. Crazy also lets her stay home at least every-other week. It is going to be an exhausting year.
It IS exhausting
I can remember being exhausted coping with all of SD's issues while trying to handle our 4 other kids, the house, etc. To top it off, right about then, DH:s job was requiring 4-days a week travel so it was all on me. These problem teen girls are a trip.
That's important information
That's important information to give to the school.
Good, hold your ground.
Good, hold your ground. Whatever SD does must not involve her being home with you all day.
Oh for the days of "Get your
Oh for the days of "Get your scrawny ass on the bus!"
The days of a call from school brought down the hellfire of consequences on an ill behaved kid when they got home.
The days of a paddle on hanging on the teachers desk and the instruction to "Assume the position!" and that paddle bring clarity to an ill behaved kid by getting the kid over their flare up of Cranio-Rectitis.
The days of Saturday detention writing sentences for 8hrs with ony a 15min lunch break and 10min break every 2hrs for a pit stop.
I would make it for about 30 seconds working in a school because I would be expelling ill behaved spawn from my classroom with an automatic fail for the entire semester for bullshit and ... the well worn paddle hanging on my desk. If I was a Principal, my school would be shrinking in studen body due to expulsions and sending them to the "Opportunity Center" campus for 8 hrs of hell every day for behavioral bullshit.
Education is about preparing a kid for adulthood academically. It is not about raising them. Parents owe their kids and schools a well behaved kid and if the parent fails, the kid has to be removed as a distraction to the quality kids in the school.
We have so overcomplicated our education system that it is about coddling and hugging far more than it is about kids learning.
KISS works in schools too.
Sadly, simple has been abandoned in far too many familes and in far too many schools.
Preach it, Rags! Those days
Preach it, Rags! Those days produced adults that were a helluva lot more responsible than today's crop of coddled, neurotic young people. We were too busy with chores, homework, younger sibs and jobs outside the home (for me, at 13-years-old) to get in trouble or need therapy.
Totally agree
I did NOT have it easy as a kid. Bullying, broke as a joke, absentee parents. The whole 9 yards. But I sucked it up, got a job as early as I could (11, I was mowing lawns and cleaning dog cages), and I wasn't crying about how I haaated school and everyone was meaaan and I just wanted to sleep all day and poor me, I have trauma. Which is honestly what SD says. I didn't have therapy and I got through it all just fine.
There are times I cheer at DH's no-nonsense parenting of Demon, but there are times I cringe because I think he throws in the towel too early and she thinks she can get her way. I will say that it's not the same world as 30+ years ago and his hands are tied as to what he can do. He cannot physically force her to do anything, and as scary as he can be, she has dug her heels in and decided to be defiant to him anyway, and she's already shown she will call the police on him. He can't even physically take her phone from her as a punishment (she won't give it to him- Crazy pays for it so we can't turn it off either) because that would mean getting physical with her and she could call the police and HE would be the one to get in trouble. Isn't this insane?? You can't even discipline a child by taking their phone because if they refuse to give it to you and you end up hurting them in the struggle for it, you are now on the hook for child abuse. It's maddening. DH was almost charged for Disorderly Conduct when SD called the police on him last time even WITH video evidence from our Ring cameras showing he didn't touch her. But because he yelled and went outside to tel her to come in? It didn't make sense, so Luckily it never went anywhere. This is what parents are up against these days.
God bless Texas. That crap
God bless Texas. That crap doesn't fly in Texas. Judges would chew this kid up and spit her out.
Grrrrr!
If she were mine, it would be my sole goal to make her life a living hell. No need to take her phone, get rid of the chargers. Feed her nothing but brussle sprouts and bologna or whatever else she detests. Take her clothes leaving only embarrassing atire for her to wear to school. Take her door, take her bed and furniture, leaving only a thin foam pad on the floor and a sleeping bag.
If she runs to mommy, drag her ass back with a rolled up copy of the CO while smaking BM with repeated contempt motions for denying DH his visitation.
Misery would be the result for that kid if she were mine.
She would be under the hairy eyeball of web cams and her life would be ready for review for LEOs, Judges, probation officers, CPS, and Truant Officers. I would make it my goal to get her to grow up whether she liked it or not and I would apply every legal, financial, and public consequence possible to make it happen.
Kids need clarity that they control shit for nothing until they reach the age of majority and become self supporting.
EXACTLY!
EXACTLY!
I wish Lilly Jr would have the audacity to proclaim she's quitting high school (because the average hs delinquent is not going to have the drive to complete hs online) .... I'd hassle the h3ll out of her and ship her off to military/boarding school
Now I could be wrong but this SD saying she wants to "do online home school" could be a way to soften the blow of just dropping out of hs altogether
hopefully I'm wrong and OP SD completes hs online like she says she will
It is probably a losing
It is probably a losing battle, but at least your DH is attempting to set boundaries.
I have a massive - and long-overdue - update about my situation. How a failure to establish boundaries leads to disasterous consequences with entitled children who think they are the shot-callers well into adulthood.
told her she wasn't doing
good!!!!
let her breeder who enabled that ... deal with that
thats one of the main reasons I left my ex Disneyland dad. This fool had BOTH his d0mestic t3rrorists (and their breeder/sister wife by proxy) trying to run our household
when I put my foot down about his failed former family's behavior..... he puffed his chest up at me and began getting into multiple arguments with me instead of correcting his dysfunction
so good thing your husband is trying to correct his daughter's dysfunctional behavior by not enabling it in you alls home. (Which indirectly prioritizes your marriage)
kudos to him.
I am pretty sure DH knew this
I am pretty sure DH knew this would be my hill to die on. He doesn't even want to be around SD all day, and he sure as hell knows I don't. I struggle with people in my space all the time. He knew he would most likely end up with no wife in sight if he allowed her in this house all day. It's nice that I didn't even need to say it, although I did anyway, just to ensure SD knew I was not on her side.
That would be my hill too..
That would be my hill too.. Stand firm on it now.. It's important timing here to have that unwavering stance.
With a crazy BM
There is little you can actually do, BUT...BUT.. one thing you could do is not allowing SD to not go to school from your house, Either she goes to school or stays at BM during the school time week. That's your law. That the hill you died on. You will have control of your home.
'If DH doesn't like that, he can take her to the library or motel 6 and do her schooling there. Not at your home.. you can not give up control,, Because it will always be something.
Ask the important questions.. What is SD going to do after school. The School will dump her. As they the school don't want to deal with her. Will make her graduate somehow. New home school maybe diploma...
Then what. SD will be sleeping at your home all day to stay up all night.? Are BP going to make her get a job. As well as they make her go to school. Is Crazy going totally mad and crazy when she realizes CS will end. You have a long road.
SD may qualify for Social Security Disability , Your DH Should start the process now, takes two years for medical medical insurance to kick in. She needs medical insurance because of her problems. Do not be in the position where she has no insurance, and you are paying thousands out of pocket
"SD may qualify for Social
"SD may qualify for Social Security Disability , Your DH Should start the process now, takes two years for medical medical insurance to kick in."
This is a real possibility. Idk what SD's specific heart condition is, but whatever it is, people find ways to get out of work and live on disability for less. This SD is only 15, but the next few years will determine if she will develop the discipline to become a productive member of society or not. It doesn't sound like her condition is such that it would prevent her from becoming productive, but if she's not going to be productive anyway, it may be best to just get her in the system and let the government begin to start supporting her. Someone is going to have to support her and if it's not her, well.
ETA if SD's whole purpose in life is to do what you guys don't want her to do, maybe telling her it's time to start preparing to be a lifelong invalid will make her rebel and start working. You never know.
Getting qualified on SSDI is
Getting qualified on SSDI is one of those things that can take forever with multiple rejections. For some anyway.
My FIL was rejected three times before getting on disability. He was on his 3rd set of hips, had a quad bypass, and significant kidney failure before his 3rd application was approved. Then you have the mind boggling examples of people who have some bullshit nothing wrong thing going on and get on it without an issue.
I have considered applying. I am a almost 44yr T-1 diabetic, have a degrading eye condition, etc... I just can't quite yet bring myself to apply. I can drive, I can work. But, if this run between work opportunities goes on for too long, I may just give it a shot and take up consulting to the point I can retain my SSDI benefits. Or, go to cooking school and pamper my bride with gourmet feasts every night for dinner. I do okay now, but... feasting on top tier stuff sounds pretty good.
If I get on SSDI before I am Medicare and full SS retirement eligible, I'm thinking early retirement may just be in order.
Hell no
Why are we encouraging SD to become a leach on society? She is perfectly capable of working and has a few jobs now. No way in hell are we suggesting this!
She actually does have aspirations, she is just lazy and wants to sleep all day and not go to school.
Hmmm? There are aspirations, then there is lip service.
Those who have true aspirations actually persue them. If is just lip service and there is no actual effort, at best those are not aspirations, they are delusions of grandeur.
IMHO of course.
Good on you for putting your
Good on you for putting your foot down. You know she's not going to do school if she does online school. She'll sleep all day and flunk out.
Online school takes discipline, which your SD doesn't have. My daughter is doing online college classes and luckily she is very disciplined. She's always pushed herself so hard I never had to push her into doing her best. She wants to succeed and get out from under Mom and Dad's thumb, be financially independent. A lot of kids don't have that drive anymore. It's sad.
Check your internet service
Check your internet service and turn it off at night. If there is no good reason to keep it on, turn it off and give her no reason to stay up at night. She doesn't pay the bills so she should not have access to it freely.
Burning platform stuff for sure. Online school is joke for those with no self discipline.