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Disney Dad Behaviour - to 'make up' for the dicorce or to alleviate their guilt?

Trying to Understand's picture

Submitted by Trying to Understand on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 11:54am

Apologies...I have so many questions, as I have big decisions to make.

So guilty dads indefinitely turn into Disney Dads. Do you think they do to as they genuinely think gifts/days out etc will ‘make up’ for not being in an intact family or is this more for themselves, i.e. to alleviate/absolve their guilt or a combination of both?

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askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:10pm

People who cheat are selfish. I don't care what the situation is, if you cheat your are thinking of yourself over your SO and your family. It would be difficult to convince me that a big part of guilty parenting doesn't have to do with being selfish way more than actually thinking you are doing right by your kids.

I think they do it because, if the kids are young, someday they will know the truth of the infidelity and if guilty parent can make them love them in the meantime it won't be as devastating. For older kids who may be aware of the infidelity, well I think it's to buy their love/forgiveness but also so they can pat themselves on the back and say they are a good parent for "providing" for their kids or "spending time (cough money) on them"

StarStuff's picture

Submitted by StarStuff on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:28pm

Are ppl reading your "indefinitely" as "infidelity"? I read it that way at first, makes sense as to why you're getting answers about cheating.

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:32pm

ha, after re-reading now I feel stupid! I think the indefinitely guilty parents probably do it out of guilt for what their kids have been put through. Weather it was infidelity or not, divorce is difficult on kids at any age for several reasons.

The other thing, and I was guilty of this in the beginning as a single mom. I worked 50 plus hours a week, I felt so guilty about my kids being in daycare all day the last thing I wanted to do was discipline them as soon as we got home. Luckily I have good friends who don't sugar coat things and they all pointed out to me how difficult it would be when they were older if I didn't discipline now. It made perfect sense, but I had to actually see it.

Trying to Understand's picture

Submitted by Trying to Understand on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:36pm

Thank you for your comments.

I thought there was never any cheating. They divorced about 12 years ago. He said he didn’t love her anymore, she had changed having moved country & become money orientated and a social climber.

Then I read SunnyD123’s post (thank you) & her comment regarding an ‘emotional affair’. It made me start to put the pieces of their break up together. He once asked me if there was an ending of a ‘relationship’ I regretted, ie had circumstances been different etc would it have worked. No, it there was I would have found a way, he responded with the name of someone he used to work with. On another occasion he told me a story of when he was overseas on business; 1 night they had been out & when they parted to go to their rooms apparently they had both stayed awake waiting for the other to call. Another time they actually slept in the same room, she said she knew he wouldn’t do anything because of his children. I am almost certain 100% he did not sleep with her, believe me he is the kind of person that would tell me of this. But I think, without a shadow of doubt that he had an emotional affair with this woman & that it was the feelings for another that made him realise he did not feel the way he ‘should’ about his wife. Whenever I ask him why didn’t you try counselling, this, that, knowing how much he worships the children, he has always been vague. The ex-wife even 10 years remarked about this lady, saying the love of your life has left a message on my voice mail (it wasn’t the same woman btw….she just had the same name).

So thank you ladies, more of the puzzle is starting to fit together. Of course the wife just could be bitter, but how would she know her name, call her the love of his life, especially given what he had told me. So no wonder he would feel even more guilty if this was at least part of the breakup. Wow….I have never made all the connections before, just trying to keep my head above the water of SD hate, dysfunctional relationships & FDH’s denial lol, but wow…..this is all starting to make even more sense….. thank you. Maybe he is just isn’t the person I thought he was !!!!

FTMandSM's picture

Submitted by FTMandSM on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:46pm

I actually asked SO why he felt so guilty that he felt like he had to be a Disney Dad. His response was that he felt bad about not getting to see her all the time, not that he and his ex actually broke up but he felt like his time with her should be fun. He has gotten so much better at disciplining her and most of the time sticks to his guns. SD Is 3 and I think he is tired of 13 yr old attitude. We are already getting, "you never let me watch what I wanna watch" or "you never let me do anything fun". We are in a world of trouble.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 12:51pm

I think most of the Disney Dads didn't do anything wrong to be guilty...but they feel guilty that they "couldn't make it work" to give the child an intact family. From my experience, a lot of those men were cheated on, abused, treated like shit by the BM until either she left him or until he just couldn't take it anymore and had to leave for self-preservation.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Thu, 01/23/2014 - 1:55pm

I think guilt is only part of the issue. The guilt in my DH's case is guilt that SD didn't always have her needs met when with BM. If BM was telling the truth in the recent custody battle, CS was more than 1/3 of her total household income. This guilt was carefully orchestrated by BM using SD as her tool. SD (not BM) would call him almost monthly asking for things that she needed. In some cases DH refused, other times he would do it. From my observation he was more willing to do the things that benefited SD but not if it also could be used for BM and her other bio. He would pay a DR co-pay or buy school supplies but refused when asked to buy toothpaste and Tylenol for BM's house. When SD was with DH he made sure she had a hot home cooked meal instead of the fast food BM fed her. He usually let her chose what she wanted for dinner, usually spending more than he could afford. He also had homework time every night and made her do chores, in the beginning.

I think sometimes it's something worse than guilt. I can certainly see this with my DH. DH spent a fraction of the time the BM spent with SD. BM was telling SD how much DH was mistreating both of them daily. It wasn't long before SD would use phrases BM had used while they were married when she didn't get her way. The threat of not wanting to see him was always there. When DH would ask if SD might want to live with him, "NO, I'll never speak to you again if you ever try to take me from mom." Ultimately, DH was scared SD would not want to see him if she didn't enjoy the time at his house.

Disney dads are in a competition with the BM for the child's affection. Since BM can't buy the child's love with material items, BM responds by being the FUN parent. "See how much nicer I am by letting you stay up so late. You should love me more." "But I buy you nice things and take you places. You should love me more."

You end up with a child who is the worst kind of spoiled. They have never learned self discipline because they were taught they could do whatever they want with no consequences by one parent. While being taught that someone who loves you will give you whatever you want by the other. The child will complain to dad, "Mom lets me." They complain to mom "Dad always give me." Rather than lose the battle both parents give in more. Eventually one of both parents find they've lost control. The child is damaged and will spend most of their life resenting anyone who attempts to enforce consequences or won't do whatever they want.