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DH has mentioned SS18 living with us several times now. Anyone else dealt with this?

TwoOfUs's picture

So. Quick background. SS18 just turned 18 and just graduated from high school. He has no plans for college, but he has gotten a pretty decent starter job at a country club and is going through the process to work at Home Depot, which I think would be a good fit for him. He owes us money right now for several car fixes, but I doubt DH will ever make him pay it.

Recently, I got a new client and DH and I are doing well monetarily for the foreseeable future thanks to this. In fact, my hours for this client will likely go up by August. DH is now talking about renovating our basement to be a stand-alone room / apartment with its own keyed entry and patio. We don't have a large house, but the basement is big and nice, partially finished in the half that we're talking about renovating. We live close to downtown, and we know several people who rent rooms on Airbnb who make 1500-2500 a month from a single, plain room. So, we've been discussing this, discussing adding a full bath down there, etc. to both increase the value of the home and, possibly, make some extra $$$ since we travel a lot anyway. Overall, I'm pretty excited about the project and the possibilities.

However, several times DH has said something along the lines of: "We could put it on Airbnb, rent it out...or, if one of the 'kids' needs to live with us, we'd have room. We could rent it to SS18, maybe..."

First of all, SS18 couldn't possibly afford to pay us what we would need to get to cover the Equity Line payments on the renovation. Secondly, we could easily make double on Airbnb compared to renting...without the hassle of being landlords.

Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? How did you let your DH know that his grown-ass kids can't live with you or 'rent' from you? I really just don't know where this is coming from as we've never had custody, have always lived close...this has never been mentioned before. I'm not willing to take out an equity line, secured primarily with my paycheck, to fund a project for the sole benefit of SS18...sorry. These kids get handed too much already.

Comments

moeilijk's picture

I know some major cities are looking at social problems that are generated due to airbnb, so, like uber, relying on that income may not be realistic.

That being said.... I would not want anyone living in my basement unit that I couldn't kick out if they were asses. So, I wouldn't rent to friends or family.

I would do a favour, like 3-6 months free to help someone land on their feet. But I'd know there'd be a risk they would be asses about it and I'd lose the income and the friend. Because I would enforce the agreed-upon time frame and expect normal renter behaviour along the way.

I doubt DH could give SS the boot if it came down to it. I'd delay renovating until SS finds his own place and moves out.

Maxwell09's picture

It sounds like your DH already has the idea in his head and he will keep dropping hints or letting you think it will be for "rent" when its finished but really he plans on using it for his son. He just wants you to okay the renovations and then once its all finished he will say that his son can live there "for a while" "until he gets back on his feet" whatever else kind of crap they use and then by that time YOU will look like the bad guy because you have a completely renovated space that he could use but won't let him "help" his kid. Nope, don't fall for it. He's setting you up to be the bad guy and him to be the hero that swoops in to save his failure to launch of a son. If I were you, I would take whatever extra money you are making now because of that client and set it aside as a little nest egg. If for any reason Daddie-o decides his son is going to live with you, you'll need a first and last months rent, plus deposit to get the heck out of that miserable situation.

TwoOfUs's picture

SS18 currently lives with his mom, who doesn't require much of him. I highly doubt he wants to come live here.

My DH always has kind of crazy schemes, so part of me thinks it's just that...him dreaming out loud. But I'm worried that I'll assume it's just talk and he'll really mean it this time...

hereiam's picture

But I'm worried that I'll assume it's just talk and he'll really mean it this time...

You need to make sure he knows where you stand on this.

Having a minor step kid live with you and then getting them out at 18 is bad enough, letting them move in at 18 is just nuts!

My DH once mentioned something in passing about his oldest daughter living with us at 18 if she wanted/needed to. I said, "Nope, not happening."

SS already owes you money; your DH collecting rent from him will probably not happen, which means, the kid will not have much incentive to leave, especially with his own little basement apartment.

I told my DH when we moved in together, that no other adult was living with us. It's too hard on a relationship. His kids were young at the time, so I wasn't even thinking of them, but it worked to my advantage since we did not specifically exclude them. Once they became adults, I made sure to be clear that the rule included them.

Cover1W's picture

DP once mentioned to me that "SDs might live with us after high school you know, out of necessity."
I immediately said, "IF that ever has to happen then let me be clear that there are going to be ground rules and rent paid and household tasks required of them. That is not up for discussion."

Deer in headlights look while I walked away...I will assume we will be discussing this again in the future and why I am intent on the SDs learning life skills like doing dishes, laundry, cleaning house, getting a youth bank account, etc. DP just thinks "just kids!" I think "Exactly, kids!" Why teach this when they hit 18....he's having enough issues with Sd12 already because she's never ever had to do anything!

If I were you be very clear.

grace8205's picture

I had a very similar situation with my DH. We have been looking at houses to buy for investment purposes, the down payment funds of over $100K would come from my pre-martial savings. The idea is to find a full house with a basement suite or one that could be converted to a basement suite with a double garage, then there would be two suites and a garage to rent , which means 3 streams of income for the one property. Main floor/ upper suites in our area rent for more than basement suites, upper floor in the houses we looked at could get $1700 a month and the basement suite $1100 per month, garage would get about $250 per month.

When skid 21 and GF broke up and needed a place that when DH mentioned that we should get something and rent it to him ("since, skid will have to pay rent to someone anyways"), at a discounted rate and it would be the upper suite (for $900) and give him the garage too of course.

I said it was not a good idea. Skid rarely pays back borrowed money or takes responsibility for anything. Over time he really started pushing it and would not stop talking about it. I said "and what happens when he does not pay his rent?". DH replied "well then we would kick him out". I just shook my head, because this is one of the biggest lines of bull he ever tried to feed me. DH could not even enforce or remind his kid about the house rules when he lived with us, he can't even ask skid to repay money that he has borrowed, but some how he is going to find his balls and be able to kick skid out when he does not pay rent at our investment property? I told my husband that I am not willing to risk our marriage to rent a place to his kid and that situation is a disaster waiting to happen. DH heard me, however I had to repeat it over and over again.

I could not buy a place and invest my savings in an investment property so skid could trash it and not appreciate and since I am sure we would never see rent, it would feel like I am paying him to do that. But as I said I knew the bigger picture, something would happen and it would cause issues between me and DH and being part of a Step family has enough issues that we don't need to make and invite more.

Tell your DH over and over again, very nicely, "You and our marriage is the most important thing in my life and I would never enter into a situation that would jeopardize what we have, and based on that I will have to say no." You could even add at the end of that, "and I know you feel the same way and would not want to do anything that would upset me and our marriage" - Well you get the idea, you might have to repeat that statement over and over again to give reason why you are saying no to the idea but it will sink in.

Good luck.

TwoOfUs's picture

Thank you for this. Great way to put it.

I really do think DH is just dreaming out loud and worried about his kid, as SS18 really has no need of a place to live right now. I think DH wants to see him out of his mom's house / with more responsibility, but is simultaneously worried that he'll fall on his face.

My younger brother is considering a new job offer that would transfer him back to our town...if he takes it, he will buy a place here and start to settle down. DH mentioned to him that he could rent a room to SS18! Wouldn't that be a great idea?! Later, I went and told my brother that he should feel under no obligation to share his first home (my brother is 32 and his work has him travel a lot, so he's rented to this point) with some slack 18-year-old just because DH is worried about his kid...

grace8205's picture

I hope you warn your brother very candidly what DH's son is like, just in case he thinks that it might be good to have a roommate contribute. A roommate can be good just not this 18 skid.
Maybe DH should help his son look for room's for rent and/or roommate wanted ads, the kid would probably behave a little better living with a stranger who would have no problem kicking his butt to the curb.

still learning's picture

Just sell your current place and move into a nice 1 bedroom home w/no basement or guest room. We have a guest room downstairs that I want to just seal up because ss30 keeps trying to move back in.

grace8205's picture

At 30 SS is still trying to move back? I guess there is no hope.
I sometimes think DH and I should move to a 50+ townhouse/villa since DH turns 50 this year and that would put an end to it for the next 29 years.

TwoOfUs's picture

Really good questions.

My SS just turned 18 at the end of April and just graduated high school June 1. I know that a lot of kids live with their parents post high school / pre-college. I did...then I went off to college, came home for the summers. By the time I graduated, I had my own place to live and I've never moved back in. So, I don't think an "adult" skid should have to move out the instant that they hit 18 or anything...but I also think it makes no sense for the skid to live with us, especially if we have to renovate to make it possible, when he's been living with his mom since the divorce and is perfectly happy there. My DH worries that BM doesn't expect enough of him, so I'm fairly certain this is his way of wanting to have more say over the direction of skid's life.

SS18 has always come over for his visitation. We live five minutes away and have a good relationship with all of the kids, more or less. The oldest (SD19) has been a headache, but things are looking up with her. We have always paid child support as well as many extras (phones, help with car maintenance, etc.) CS for SS18 is over at the end of this month. I actually could see BM encouraging a kid or two to live with us now.Last year she mentioned that maybe OSD would benefit from some time with us...conveniently after it could help us out with child support or tax deductions at all...